August 11, 2007
Somewhere, Someday
CURRENT MOOD: Wishful
Yeah, it has been awhile since I last seen you. Of course I'm speaking to that little page on movabletype that I use to frequent so often in years past. This page that I would turn to in order to type my deepest thoughts and feelings on those days I was feeling a little too low. It's been awhile since I've hit that "create new entry" button. Of course that doesn't mean I don't have entries written up from my hiatus to update this page with; it just means that I didn't have the time nor the tools to allow you to invade my privacy. Yes, this time I am referring to you, the reader. How clich"accentmark-e" - I was too lazy to find out how to put that little accent mark above that e - well folks, that's my writing for you.
Life, as everybody must know by now, is by far the most complicated little puzzle. What is so great about life (as well as the most annoying) is that when you think you put all the pieces together, little brother comes along and jumbles the puzzle up again... sometimes even eating a piece or two. Of course little brother can come in the form of many things: romance, money, health, business, school, etc. Always a new threat, well, for the lucky its alway a new threat. For me, it's same ol' same ol'. I'm always stupid enough to think that Mr. "I'm gonna screw up your jigsaw" is really Mr. "i'm gonna make sure the pieces stick this time". Oh well. It's not the end of the world... right?
It's not necessarily like my life has gotten all complicated again, if anything, it's far from it. It's just that for once I thought I really found some stability. Something tangible and that I can hold on to for the rest of time while everything else around me changes. Philosophers and prophets alike say "change is good". Well, tell that to the people who throw away twenty dollars worth of pennies, nickels, and dimes... Change is inevitable, no matter how you look at it, but its nice to just have a few stable dollar bills. Okay, enough with the puns... but really, my life would be so much better if there was one thing I can have for the rest of my life. Friends come and go, family is wedged with distance (not to mention is only good in small doses), school only last a few years, careers can only go so far, and as for residence... well, I migrate just about as much as swallows from summer to winter. One thing that I thought was a guarantee to stay with me for the rest of my life was a partner. Boyfriend, husband, whatever. I want a man who will stay by my side no matter what. Is that really much to ask for? In my case, its seems like the answer to that question is yes.
I'm an old fashioned romantic stuck in the modern age of independent women who need nothing more than the occasional physical indulgence. Men who come and go as they please and us women who are expected to just move on to the next entree (another accent mark please). Yes, those women are revered. Business women who rule the world and has everybody at her feet. Doesn't anybody believe in marriage anymore? Are there any women out there who still dream of finding a prince charming and living a quiet little wifely life?
It's not that I am going to be content with just being a tiny housewife. I want my own career and I want to help bring food to the table, but I want someone to share my life with. Current boyfriend says that one is never free unless one lives for oneself. He doesn't see a future with me, and just sees me as convenient for the moment. He doesn't understand how people can even have the desire to be with someone until they die... people should live for themselves and no one else. Well, as true as that may be, my desire to wear a pretty silver ring on my left hand is in my eyes the perfect way to live for myself. I want someone to love me forever and ever, and remember me when I die. So really, I guess in some way its a desire to be immortal.
The afterlife is a scary thing to think about. Sure you can believe in your god, but what if your wrong? I am not saying you are, but, just... what if? or what if you worshiped the wrong way and destined for an eternity in pain? No one knows what happens, we just all have theories... and thinking about death is a scary thought. The unknown is a scary thought... that's why we are afraid of the dark. But if I can have one person remember me with love, then my death won't be so bleak. My existence in that persons mind would be blissful. In that person's mind, I won't be forgotten in some void. I won't disappear, I won't suffer in flames, but in his head, I can have a happy afterlife... because that is really the only place we are guaranteed to be after we pass on. Only in thoughts and dreams.
Well, maybe all hope is not lost, I'm still young, and I still have plenty of time to find my prince, but it just seems wrong to still love the one I'm sleeping next to now. It's like I'm cheating on my husband to be. Current boyfriend says just enjoy the time we have together, but all I think is that he just wants someone to fuck for awhile. Is there a point in being with someone when you know it's going to end? What about if being with current boyfriend means missing out on the chance to meet future husband? Well, unfortunately my questions reach out to an absent audience... or a mute audience... who knows? One thing is for sure... one day I'll find another love.
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG:
Someday My Prince Will Come by Cassandra Wilson
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:22 AM
March 20, 2007
it is never enough. it never ends. they were there all along.
CURRENT MOOD: Teary-Eyed
I try, to keep calm, to stay happy, to look at the brighter side of life... but its never enough. for those of you who knew the old me, you would dare recall the old me, the me that always let life's little mistakes get her down, the me who got so easily hurt, so easily depressed. I use to so easily give up. Now, I've become someone different. Someone who doesn't let things get to her, and tries her best to keep strong. But at a certain point, it just doesn't seem like its enough.
There always has to be something going wrong in my life, just this time, the mistakes, the wrongdoings, the mishaps were all happening behind my back. People think I'm too fragile, that I can't handle the truth, that I can't handle reality, and instead, keep me thinking that everything is okay. It's family, its friends, it's everyone. Just stop goddamn trying to protect me. I'm going to fucking find out sooner or later.
I apologize for being annoying, I apologize for bothering too much, I'm sorry I can't help you, I'm sorry for just everything I ever done. I hate that I have no control over what's going on right now. Before, I blamed everything on myself, and now, I know its not my fault, and it hurts so much, because there is also nothing I can do about it.
There are a million things I am talking about right now, and I just don't feel like writing it all up. Why? because, now I'm feeling selfish for taking your time. For asking for your pity, your sympathy, your condolences. I feel goddamn selfish asking for all this pathetic attention that I don't deserve.
I feel alone again. Sure, you can all say your there for me, but I still feel alone. I can be in a room full of people right now, and I would still feel alone. Thing is, I want to be alone. Right now, I enjoy this solitude. I am starting to loath all those I loved. God. I don't want to turn back into me again. I wish I was someone lovable, desirable, someone good, someone worth a damn. Someone with some sort of appeal, but deep down inside, despite all I say about myself, I feel there is nothing appealing about me at all.
I'm sorry for the troubles, I'm sorry for the pain, I'm sorry for the worries, the tears, the uncertainty, the guilt, the doubt, the annoyance, the regret, the anxiety, the temptation, the mistrust, the disloyalty, the hurt, the lack of better things to say and better ways to say it.
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG:
See You Soon by Coldplay
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:10 PM
December 9, 2006
"You won't believe me if I tell you what I have in front of my eyes" -Blindness
CURRENT MOOD: Really Sad
There are many confessions people feel they have to make. Just as much as there are times, when one feels different, not normal; some even go as far as to say, insane. However, there is still about you, an air of rational conscious. Everyone has it. The characteristic which separates the "normal" from the "insane" is the willpower to follow that conscious. I am not calling myself insane, but I am not calling myself normal. I am human. I have human flaws. I make human mistakes. What I feel differs me from you, is that I don't learn from these human mistakes. I feel compelled to follow that unconscious Freudian desire. Yes, I feel different from you, because when I look in the mirror, I see a person I hate, a person I mistrust, a person who makes me cry simply because I know I am looking at myself.
I don't want to say you quite ever felt hopelessness like this. It is not a hopelessness, as if I had nothing to live for. It is more of a remorse for my future. For things that I will do, that I will regret, that I will hate myself for. For things that will become a part of my past, therefore, more a part of me. It is hopelessness because you know you will fall into the same cycle over and over again. That you are stuck in a rut that is imprinted in your genes.
You never questioned life like I have. To feel so bitter towards it. To really believe that this life is just a game; a big, pointless game. I try to imagine how other people can not feel this too. To think about birth, death, and the mindless wanderings that happen in between. How can I put myself, my conscious, outside of myself, look down, and see this girl, this socially labelled adult, who has no idea what she is doing. To see a life that really is worthless. Its not even a pity towards myself. Its not sympathy. Its not that I feel like I want to die. Its just seeing worthlessness.
I have a name, but sometimes that name doesn't seem to belong to me. Neither should this face belong to me. All that I feel I am, are the experiences; my experiences. I am my past. That is all I feel I am. I am my worst deed. I am my greatest failure. I am all the regrets that amass behind me; dragging along; holding me back.
I do feel obligation. I do feel pain. I do feel sorrow. I do feel loss. I feel envy. I feel pity. I feel love. I feel hate. I feel understanding. I feel hope. I feel shallow. I feel ugly. I feel tears running down my cheek. I feel the need to keep to myself. I feel the need to reach out to nothing & no one in particular. I feel anger. I feel guilt. I feel regret. I feel everything that you have felt.
The only thing I never felt,
The only thing I don't ever feel,
The only thing I will never feel,
Is human.
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Lilium by Kumiko Noma
Continue reading ""You won't believe me if I tell you what I have in front of my eyes" -Blindness"
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 5:38 AM
October 30, 2006
Ladies & gentlemen, due to circumstances beyond our control,
we are unable to continue our broadcast of dance music. We shall continue now with our piano instrumental.
CURRENT MOOD: Overwhelmed
i can't concentrate...
its not as if i can say its from a lack of trying...
okay, well, its that i haven't had the time to try
i tried to take a nap, because i was dead tired.... but i couldn't fall asleep.... no rest came to me, just a million worries and a million fears went running through my head.... i ended up getting out of bed more tired than i was when i laid down....
arriving at work... only a few footsteps away from my front door.... i settle down, spread out the books, then the flood of people came in... its one after another after another... massive swiping action sychronized with the responding to people from my italian class - IMing me for the subtitles to a movie we are watching in class - .... there is no rest... no end....
something is seriously wrong with me... but i dont want to blame my actions/behavior on a pre-exisiting mental disposition, nor on this persistant physical ailment i seem to have been experiencing lately... but i know... something is just not right with me... maybe its that stupid hotdog-rice-E-egg concoction i made for myself saturday morning....
stupid chicken hotdogs....
what the hell kind of a normal person eats CHICKEN hotdogs?!?!
what happened to the beef? or the pork?
or just good ol' fashioned pigeon with a little shoe tongue?!
(simpson reference)
but no... my roomie has to be some freakishly weird division of christian....
why they don't eat pig beats me...
makes no sense at all,
if you were to ask me....
anyways... i can't concentrate... i can't even get myself to look at the first word of the goddamn article...
i see in big bold, capitalized letters "DECONSTRUCTION"
but i can't get any further than that without some annoying resident walking in, card in hand, extended out towards me the minute they walk in the door, as if i had some superpower ability to stretch my arm to great lengths to meet their card, and then swipe it through the silly swiper machine, whom i have already dubbed mr. Swipee....
i must admit... the most annoying of these residents are the ones who don't even come prepared with card in hand.... they come to the booth, slam their book bag on the counter... and while my outreached hand stands idly by, they dig & dig & dig & dig into the deepest, darkest depths of their bag... until they realize the stupid card was in their back pocket all along....
i agree with the "i don't appreciate" board when it states the common SM loathing of large, heavy keychains attached in some self-made anus of the card i have to swipe...
for these people i gladly take my sweet time to slide the card through mr. swipee
and Kyle, dont get me started on Kyle...
that little headless, sorry excuse of a dummy sitting in front of me
with his green plaid shirt
and his weeding gloves
why a headless man needs gardening gloves
is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond me
recently...
-may it be a sadistic joke,
taunting the headlessness of a headless man,
or an action rooted in some good samaritans's pity
for the man without a head-
someone has sat upon Kyle's shoulders
a paper pumpkin
with a demonic smile
and laughing eyes
goddamn it Kyle
stop laughing at the sarcasm i treat these people to
they might see through the forced smile
the "thank you"s dripping with contempt
the careless, mechanized way i swipe these people's cards
and actually see a frustrated, tired girl
longing for the comfort of dreams
thirty minutes till break
there is no way in hell i am gonna get any work done at this pace
already as it is, i feel so tired,
i just want to fall asleep
and never wake up
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Hate by Cat Power
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 7:17 PM
August 16, 2006
It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Fucking Deathwish
CURRENT MOOD: Uneasy
Here I am... unbelieveable isn't it? today, sitting in some random mexican restaurant in my hometown... one week before I go back to UC Berkeley... oh what a summer this has been... oh what a life this has been....
my stepdad, my mom, my 6 year old brother... we sit there wondering exactly what to order, knowing we couldn't afford it... but pretending we could anyways....
"Why did you take all that stuff that night?"
that question just hit me all of a sudden... a dangerous curveball from my stepdad... what he was talking about, hadn't exactly been clear to me, until he explained what he was talking about....
The pills, those little blue sleeping pills.... *sigh* I know that night would haunt me forever, and it was made clear by these parents of mine that this would follow me for the rest of my life.... Me, little miss perfect, was stuck in a psychiatric hospital because I tried to kill myself....
He wanted to know why I did it... I knew exactly why I did it
Because I was hopeless... absolutely and utterly hopeless... even today, a dark sense fills me, that makes my heart either beat a little too fast or a little too slow... but i didn't want to tell him, I didn't want to tell him about my years of downward spiraling depression... about my two previous half-hearted attempts at suicide which no one knew about... about my past dangerous addictions to cutting up my left wrists as not only a punishment to myself, but also a punishment to those who have hurt me... those bloody red lines were the only physical proof I had that those I loved had hurt me....
I didn't want to tell him all that, neither did I want to tell my mom that she was one of those people who pushed me to do such things..... I didn't want them to feel guilty for my disease... it wasn't entirely their fault
so i just stared at my hands on my lap... secretly holding my phone & trying to txt a way out of this conversation... my mom tried to break the conversation w/ some light-hearted comedy... that's what I got from her... when things get too serious, make a joke out of it, and everything is fine.....
its funny how little worries can satisfy your hunger... how was it that I could have been so hungry? then all of a sudden, even the thought of food seemed unbearable.... but i had to eat, or else they would know something was wrong with me
my hands couldn't stop shaking, i had the shivers.... how did the room get so cold all of a sudden? is that heartburn? what is that cold-burning feeling inside my chest?
i couldn't stop moving, i just wanted to get out of there, i just wanted to go.... where? i dont know... i needed someone to talk to
Money... what happens if i have to drop out of college... just the thought of money makes me want to jump off a 30 story building... i can't fail at life, i can't... i can't be the one stuck living at home working at some mediocre job... I can't be the one everyone expected to succeed, and end up living on the streets....
what the hell is wrong with me?! if i was just normal, if i had just my normal thoughts, if i had not this "beautiful" mind of mine... my life, would be, so much, easier......
what am i gonna do when it comes time to pay for housing, tuition, loans..... scholarship deadlines, job applications... how can a child be expected to tolerate such responsibilities??????
I am not an adult... sure, i look like one, sure, i dress like one, sure, i can party like one.... but in the end, my heart and mind is no older than 15.... i can't do this... i can't do this... i really can't do this...
then, there is love, my love.... as hopeful as i want to stay that one day we'll be together, how exactly will that work? a benny & joon kinda relationship... except i am the only insane one, the only one with a mental condition..... i love him... i can't bring him down with me... i cannot bring him down with me... i have to let him go, but my life would lose so much meaning if i let him go....
there goes those chills again... how is it that without a moment's notice my body can shake so violently.....
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Mad World by Gary Jules
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 5:48 PM
June 3, 2006
a blade of grass in a field of green
CURRENT MOOD: Frustrated
frustration is not fun... when it seems like the whole world is closing in on you & everyone is at war... but you're the only one fighting your side... some people are just able to look at the situation at hand, remark with some comment that it is bad, and move on their merry way... some people sit on the pavement with tears streaming & wonder, why me?, in silence... some people are loud, write blogs, tell friends, scream and shout because she is an artist. she wants to paint pictures the best way she can, she wants to throw her tears on canvas, she wants to ruin her life and say "Here mom, look what you've gone and made me do"
Some people think it's easy being me, it's easy to get out of a tough jam, its easy to accept that your family is broken, and nothing you can do to fix it... This morning I was having the time of my life, visiting old teachers I once had, talking to students about the wonders of going to college... every teacher was so proud of me, every teacher was so amazed that I made it through, they were all smiles & hugs... & I was on top of the world
Some of you might not be able to see why I am so frustrated... and with all honesty, sometimes I feel like I shouldn't bother people with my rantings... I've always didn't like being a burden... I don't like brussel sprouts either
Sleep makes the monsters go away... not long after you wake up do you realize your situation, but sleep makes the monsters go away... & ur in your home, all alone, everyone is asleep in their beds, and you have the night to hide in, to dance in, to take midnight strolls with strangers.... I need myself a new stranger... I need myself a new family.. but besides all that, I need to say:
Life. I've learned nothing about it, and no one can get it down to words. If you were to try to describe it, then you are ignoring all other aspects people have encountered through Life. There is no end, an infinity of definitions to Life, & it would be an injustice to try to explain it, to try to figure it out. It's an insult to say, I know what Life is all about. Why? Because you don't know what Life is all about. Do you know what my Life is all about? Cause that too is Life. Do you know what Mr. guy who flips your hamburgers' Life is all about? Do you know what your neighbor's Life is all about? You can't even say what your life is all about. Because you can have childish philosophies about how you seen this and seen that, & this is what you came up with. So you think its true? Try putting that philosophy to the test to someone in India, someone in Asia, someone next door. Will it apply? Maybe. Will it still hold true? Of course not.
Life, in a millionth of a fraction, is irony. It is, in a millionth of a fraction, truth and lies. For people to be selfish enough to put their definition of Life, to put their theories on Life, to put their philosophies of Life, at the center and say "THIS, my friends, is life." How can you say that? When that over there too is Life? When in another place it is Life? When in another time, it was Life? In the future, it is still Life. THIS, some single soul in the middle of all the universe, is not Life. This alone, is not Life, your aspect alone, is not Life. It is to multiply that, to say everyone has the center of Life, to give everyone a piece of the puzzle to fit in. Unspeakable. Life.
In such a universal view, it can be tough to cope with how small one person is in the world. How alone one person is in the world. So people carve out homes, families, friends, personalities, talents for something to hold on to. Attachments, a place in Life. And as in our nature to be human beings, we try to figure out Life, we try to contain it in some neatly wrapped box to show our friends and families....
To be opinionated is to be ignorant. To have a side in something is to ignore everything against you. It's even to ignore everything that is not even in topic.
In truth, well I cannot speak for truth herself, but in this instance, in this space (okay, well obviously not in the instance and space when you read this blog, because that altogether is another truth)... hm... this is getting tricky here.... In the circumstance I write this sentence, the truth is that I am not the center of it all, I am not even at the center of myself, I am merely a single fiber of the blanket. And there's you, and there's the car he drives, and there's her hairdresser's daughter's son. We are multiple centers of Life, of truth. Because no matter how much I write, no matter how good I write, you can never see my truth, my Life, or else it wouldn't be mine. This is true just as much as I cannot see your truth, your Life. Because to say that I am you to have seen that would mean that I wouldn't be me. What I am trying to say here is that even if we stand right next to each other and look at the same picture, we are still not seeing the same "truth"... we are still not living the same Life, we aren't even looking at the same picture...
I sit here feeling alot more comfortable that my life, isn't all of Life. I feel more at peace to know, that this is nothing and something, that those yells and screams, that my feelings and love, that my everything, is nothing, and something... I like staring at my wall and thinking all the mistakes i've made is nothing... of course its something to someone... but to Life, it is only a millionth of a fraction
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 4:37 AM
May 7, 2006
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
CURRENT MOOD: Insightful
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-- Alexander Pope
At this point in time, and this will be a condition that will last some time, I can not be in any serious relationship. Why? Because a serious relationship creates too many complications that I am not ready to deal with. I have realized I've become better at some things, and that I can trust another person. But I am still needy, and that's bad. I am still doubtful, not about the actions of the other, but moreso, my own actions. I still think I am not worth a damn, and when the time comes, that I can be easily given up. And when that happens, my emotions go haywire.
The difference this time, is I have no right to go haywire, and with my difficult position, it is actually helping with the coping of some... um, "issues" I usually had in the past.
Today's lesson: learning to give up. I have a very hard time letting things go, even when I know it's for the best. I hate change, because, there is always a chance that things will be worse then how they were before. In two weeks, I'll be gone. And things will change, for better, or for worse. I need to realize, that everything is not in my control, and sometimes, I have to let things take their course. I have to learn to cherish what I had, and move on from there. I know I shouldn't be allowing these false pretenses to keep up some delusional hope/dream, and it's killing me that the soft pinks and bright blues are dying with the sun, beyond the horizon, but I have to be strong.
I have somewhere else to be, and I need to learn to love myself. The hardest part, is making up my mind, and not turning back. To walk on without looking back. Without running back. Who knows if these roads might cross again, honestly, I hope they do. But, I admit, this time around, its a little easier letting go. I guess because it was the lack of "seriousness" and that I kept being brought down to earth... at least this time, my face did not fall flat on the floor, but I've been able to land on my feet.
I have enjoyed my first year here at Berkeley, and hopefully I've made some long lasting friends. For now, I have to learn to make my heart my home. I can not find comfort in others, because of the possibility that you will not wake up next to _______ the following morning. You can not find a place in any geographical location, because you can easily be uprooted and thrown somewhere else. You can not find hope in dreams, because your dreams can easily be taken away by any outside entity.
If I learn to love who I am, the thoughts I think, and the actions I take... then I would no longer have the need to please others. I have a horrible habit of giving the world and more to those I care deeply about. It's not that I need to change that, it's that I need to stop falling for others so easily.
I hope things work out for me, and I hope I don't spend the next two weeks staying up till 7am, crying on & off, listening to sad songs and wondering if life will ever be "right" for me.
I just want to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let go.
"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders" --Nietzsche
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Delicate by Damien Rice
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 4:41 AM
April 24, 2006
confusion just adds fuel to the blaze
CURRENT MOOD: Intuitive?
"There were alot of people here today. Is there like some two-for-one special going on today?"~me
that was how today's therapy session started... today, there were more people than usual at the insert name of place, where i now go to 2 times a wk for my sessions... at this point, quite a number of things have been revealed to my therapist, and a unique kind of bond has been formed between us, i would like to think... of course a few wks ago i mistaken this bond as something of the romantic sort, but after somewhat revealing my feelings in a txt message, and a session dedicated to the topic of our stance, i realized that wasn't the case.... after going into a few details of my current relationship interactions with a particular person, and describing "how it made me feel"... he stated from time to time he's feelings for me... NO, not the romantic kind... but more, the "i am worried about you" kind... that is exactly what he said, that he was worried about me....
intuition is something I do not trust in, or at least, i do not trust in my intuition about things, especially when it comes to romance..... today, i told him about my complicated situation, there were things "Guy" (i rather not reveal his name at this point) was doing that i was not comfortable with... but of course, since i am not his g/f per se (though intimately involved with) i feel as if i have no right whatsoever to voice out "girlfriend-ish" concerns... at this statement, my therapist to my surprise, exclaimed, "NO!".... a long bout of silence... at times he went to explain he felt protective of me, urging me to trust my instincts and that he was worried that i would fall into the downward spiral i've been caught in before....
it's nice for someone to worry about you... it really is...
"well, it's normal to have these feelings for people. It's okay that you want to know what is going on in "Guy's" life, and that you want to know what's going on, even though you're not his g/f... because everyone feels that for someone at one point" ~therapist
"yeah, but people are hypocrites, and they dont want to recognize it. He'll just see me as the "obsessive" g/f who is not even his g/f. Just like my ex, he saw me as the psychotic g/f, as did everyone else. I try to see from all perspectives, and not be judgemental, but not all people do that." ~me
*pause*
"well, our time is up for today.... is insert time here on Thursday good for you?"
"yeah"
"okay, see you thursday"
"see you thursday"
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: I Found A Reason by Cat Power
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:34 PM
April 12, 2006
un veritiero modo di parlare (a myspace blog)
CURRENT MOOD: Satisfied
Revenge has never appeared to be so sweet....
Zaidy.... well, well, well! I see my plan has worked accordingly... FIRST, let me explain a bit... I found it just a teensy bit odd that a particular individual by the name of Piper has been checking my profile at least once everyday at approx. 9am my time (probably 12pm your time)... at the first day, i gave it no notice, thinking it was some other random person checking my stats...
(PROMOTIONAL PLUG IN!!! go visit Who's On My Page to find out how to check who is looking at your profile!!)
but after the 4th or 5th time this has happened, I began to wonder.... who could this be?! well, well, well... putting two and two together, I came to realize that it was YOU indeed. Now, I wonder what it is about my profile that intrigued you so!! I should hope that its not that you have a crush on me or anything (for that would make things VERY awkward), but perhaps, like the obsessive girlfriend I was some time ago, (my therapist and I are slowly but surely fixing that) that you felt as if Brian wasn't being as true as you were hoping he was... that you would find the teensy-est bit of evidence to justify a break-up... I mean, come on... trying to survive a long distance relationship with oh-so many juicy options right on your doorstep, I am sure, is devastating...
but of course I did make Brian a promise never to say a word... well, promise kept Mr. Semmler... but someone has to teach him a lesson, not to fuck with a girl's heart, ANY girl's heart... so me being the revengeful ex I was, I justified my previous blog (knowing you would read it Zaidy) with the fact that at one point last year I did waste many nights crying and mourning over him... (besides, it served the dual purpose to give girls hope that guys who made you feel like shit, do get what they deserve eventually, since many of my friends were going through a similar experience as I had many months ago.....) he made my life a living hell, so I just had to return the favor... I am sorry Zaidy for using you as some sort of chess piece in this game of vendetta... but I am sure even YOU must admit, he had it coming... every JERK in this goddamn world deserves a little pain now and then, and what better way to hit him then right in the goddamn balls....
First, I take away his weapons... both of them.... (Sin City)
So with all that said and done, I must tell you I did not do this with an intention to ruin your life, but to ruin his... and in reality, possibly better you life... because every girl's life is better once her "man" is gone... I hope you found your peace... I hope both my blogs found you well... and I hope that little son of a bitch is crying a river
Ladies... we should not be creating rivalries against each other, but rather stand up together and hurt the fuckers who are the real reason we get hurt time & time again... because life has never been better, once they're gone!!
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Cell Block Tango from the movie Chicago
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:25 AM
April 10, 2006
sono cercare di conseguire la mia vendetta solomente... (a myspace blog)
CURRENT MOOD: Revengeful
THIS BLOG IS DEDICATED TO: the few whom, in the past few days, had their tears shed for losers, good-for-nothings, slobs, & jerks... this is proof that what goes around DOES come around... and they will get what's coming to them... you know I am always here to help you plot your vendetta... ^_^
well now.... look who comes crawling back... lol, isn't karma just the greatest thing in the world... for years, my tears have been shed for losers... literally, losers... my ex-s & flings... now & always, losers... i have mentioned many times before how songs seem to magically appear (or reappear in this case) in my life according to relevance.... well, listening to this song "Cry Me A River" by Julie London reminds me of a few events that has happened w/in the past few wks...
the first instance was of course my ex in LA... he calls from time to time, "checking up on me" & seeing how I am doing... funny thing is, i suppose he expects me to be doing horribly, because when I tell him of the great time I am having (partying with friends, on & off dates, etc. etc) he goes beserk on me! calling me a whore for not staying on rebound & getting over him so easily... well, in the words of my friend sandra "COME MIERDA!!" ... lol ( i am so buying you that shirt one day sandra!) ....so I got over him, so what? Cry me a river, cause I cried a river over you....
then, SURPRISE SURPRISE, another ex ends up contacting me sporadically over time... of course names will not be mentioned because of his obsessive ex (or g/f or whatever, i have no idea what is going on between them two) .... last i knew, he said they were just taking a break, and she was still faithful towards him... lol, BS (hahaha, what a pun!!!)...... i was shocked over the V-day wishes, and then a seemingly random correspondence some time after, but the way he is living his life (or really the way the g/f is living his life) just pissed me off... so *BLOCK* why do i want to waste my time w/ a "friend" who wants to keep our friendship a secret in fear of this g/f.... ??? idk, but that too is a load of BS.... hahaha Well You Can Cry Me A River... like I care about keeping secrets & a "friendship" i really no longer care about...
then, last, but not least, some guy who blew me off some time ago... haven't really spoken to him in a while, but outta no where, he shows up with a stare & a smile, inviting me to some frat party of his (which i ended not going to for having better things to do w/ my time)... i admit, he is well off right now, and in all honestly, i dont blame him for our losing contact... but it seems he is just trying to get things together... we'll see what happens next...
well, all these guys (ok, minus the last one... kinda ) are losers... and allow me to elaborate... both live w/ their parents, one still doesn't have a job while the other has a lame excuse for a job... one is ruled by drugs, alcohol & depression, while the other is ruled by a tyrannical overlord.... overall, I am so much better off without them... my life has never been better, honestly... but i cannot say that without thanking a few of those friends who really turned my life topsy turvy, and made sure to keep it that way..... i hope this finds you all well, and for those of you who doubt the fact that those who hurt you will get their share..... let me tell ya, later on, they will cry a river over you.... ^_^
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Cry Me A River by Julie London
click the link below for the lyrics to this blog's song
Continue reading " sono cercare di conseguire la mia vendetta solomente... (a myspace blog)"
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:49 PM
February 12, 2006
what's the last thing i see? you are...never coming home....
CURRENT MOOD: Undecided
so i've been single for the past 3 or 4 days.... i dont even remember when albert broke up with me........ but i've been having a "blast" since then...... i guess i am trying to fill a void here.... i tried to fill it with brian, a short live love (or was it lust?)... then going back to albert, but, i guess he never felt the way he said he did, after a while.... the promises collapsed, and we were back to digging our graves for each other....so he got fed up, and i am single again.......but never in my life, has so many "opportunities" just arose out of no where..... damn, now my blogs resorts to obsessive persons as fans...... *sigh* but first there is that "really old" year old.... he's pretty good looking, i guess.... and it seems to me he would be a very supporting lover....... but, i'm just not "feeling" him right now....... i was, but, now... i am just not..... then there was a very friendly, goofy one.... it was great having him around and chatting... but i think it would remain only as that..... a friend... its always nice to have friends.... then there was mr. frenchy.... god, was he gorgeous... but it's one of those, "glance & look back cautiously" kind of a flirt... sure we exchanged #'s and "facebook" accounts... but i really doubt any more would come of that..... then there was a very interesting, multi-talented band geek... once again, pretty good looking... but it was his personality that caught my eye... that, & his bay area musical know-how..... it was great hanging out with him once again...... but once we hit my first "frat-party"... after those couple of "pretty pink drinks", which obviously was a stronger kind of medicine made available to anything with 2 boobs and a vagina..... it loosened me up, for sure... but i had a blast... my newfound friends and i, just talking about nothing at all... yes, i had consciousness... i was very aware of my surroundings.....and i didn't resort to standing up on top of a table and dancing with my shirt off...i had more sense than that..... but my un-intoxicated side was filled with shame & guilt.... i can't believe i went to that level.... a role model, scholarship recipient kicking down a few drinks with strangers......... talk about college life........ i ended up taking a guy back home with me... someone different from who i originally set out the day with..... but that was with every innocent intention that i just really didn't want him, in his state of mind... walking all the way back home.... i had an extra bed, compliments of my friend..... and we lamented of an on & off lover who continues to break our hearts & confuse our minds....... i never in my life have said so much without being fearful of the resulting judgement my companion would have on me...... but after he left in the morning, and i took a couple of advil & got about 5 hours more of much needed sleep.... i felt.. alone... of course of all these guys i have met in the span of 4 days, not one would fall into any other category than friend..... i hope it stays that way... because i am honestly still freshly wounded from my last few relationships... with no time to heal.... but it gets... lonely.... without someone to have & to hold.... but why is it, that the wrong people feel such a way for me? never in my life, have i had a lover whom i have "fancied" for a good while..... pretty much, every crush i had, didn't feel the same way for me.... all these crazy affections are just to hopefully fill a void i can remember feeling since forever......... my life has been very fast paced lately, and i will try to continue it so.... i just dont want to stop and think about how very lonely i am...... i can't even begin to think of who i really want, and what i even want....... is there really a desire of anything in the first place? or is this all in my imagination? i need to be left alone..... and i need, to be alone
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: The Ghost Of You by My Chemical Romance
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 4:35 PM
November 22, 2005
i don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there...
CURRENT MOOD: Tired & Alone
"i don't know if you would listen, to a gypsy's prayer"..........
i have no idea what time it happened, but last night, while talking to my boyfriend, the past calls, and all i hear on the other side, is a favorite song.....one which held meaning at one point in time, a point in time when two people where in love, a place where insecurity and doubt was a thing as impossible as time travel......i cried, i have no idea why my ex found it necessary to call me so i can hear live the one song left untainted, the one song that still brings a smile to my face......the song ended, so did the call, and i was torn....no use hiding what happened, and the next couple of hours of my life were one of terrible grief and sorrow, that not even brian could snap me out of........and i told him, i told him exactly how i felt........i told him the reason why he needs to pay for my therapy, because i really am, the most horrible person i have ever met.......he says to let it go, to forget about the past and about what happened, then slowly, i explained why it was so hard to let go of my ex, to let go of my past......i'm guilty, guilty of everything.....the hardest part about being guilty, is that no matter how much i justify the actions of what i had done in my last relationship, it gives me no reason to have done what i done......i cried, again and again, cried until my nose was rubbed raw from blowing into the rough caress of tissue papers......we had good times, me and my ex.....he did so much for me, so much.......and i, was just completely insane......i invaded his privacy more than once, i always accused him of lies, i always was suspicious of his actions, i gave him no trust, and worst of all, despite the millions of reasons i gave for having cheated on him, i still shouldn't have cheated on him....sure, his actions, his stories, were a little far-fetched, but no matter what, i only have enough proof for his one lie, the one lie i caught him in, the only lie i ever caught him in..........as for me, the lies are insurmountable.......the more i told my brian about who i was, and how i treated him, the more i hated myself, i was starting to fall back into my pit of depression.........".why is it so hard to let go of the past? because, i became the very thing i loath"....that is exactly what i told him....i became the villian of the story, and here i am, still happy.......what am i suppose to do when i am the villian of the story.........he had nothing to say, he asked me, what was he suppose to say?.........and i said very simply, "you're suppose to hate me"..........i mean, if anyone has ever mentioned some wacko girlfriend hurting some guy as much as i have, i would hate her....if anyone had ever done that to any of my friends, i'd kill her.........i told brian, why should i be an exception......"what the fuck kind of a world is this, when you are always your own exception to hatred".......i explained that if anyone ever killed a loved one of yours, it doesn't matter why, it doesn't matter how.....no matter, you'll still hate the murderer..........and that's exactly what i am, a murderer.........i sat on the windowsill, just staring at the stars outside.........no one can understand how hard it is to hurt the one you love....how can you even come to understand how hard it must be, to know that you are going to do it all over again?....and the worst part of it all, is that i have no idea if my ex even deserved it....worst of all, all my suspicions and doubts could really have been false, and he could have been telling the truth all along..........brian couldn't understand, he said he'd love me no matter what, and that i wasn't wrong for doing those things, and i yelled....that's just the fucking problem, friends are always so biased, no matter how much of the truth you tell, if they are on ur side, they stay on ur side.....everyone should hate me......did you know, that you are far more likely to get killed by the one you love, then a complete stranger?.........i killed the one i loved.....what people dont see, is the internal struggle i have within myself......all everybody sees, is a person who tries so hard to fit in, forever a rogue, just assimilating into the personas' of the people around her......i have no morals, i have no limits, i have no defining line.........i have no idea who i am anymore......i lost my identity in a poker game a few years ago, and been stealing everyone else's ever since..........people either hate me, or love me, but no one, not no one, understands me.....sure, people do bad things, but i definitely take the cake....i feel like crap, and it's not because i have a sore throat, a large sore in my mouth, or even a hacking cough.....no, i feel like crap, because, i hate myself........i hate what i done, and i can't just move on........you dont go to a loved one's funeral, and forget about them for the rest of your life....no....you show up at their grave once every year, at the day of their death, bringing with you a bouquet of flowers and a tear in your eye.........and here i am, so alone, mourning..........mourning for the death of my father, mourning for the death of my innocence, mourning for the death of lovers.....mourning for the sins i've yet to pay for.........after that phone call, while brian was on the line, as silent as ever, i mean, what can you say after a person just bashed herself for every dirty deed ever done, what can you say to a suicidal?.......after the tears fell, after the sniffles subsided, and when i could no longer feel the cold of the night air against my skin.....i just looked up, and wished, wished with more pain and emotion than i ever wished for anything in this entire life, to just curl up under my blankets, and never come out again.......just to be isolated from the world, so that no one would have to deal with all the wrong doing i am capable of.....brian chooses to overlook these things, he thinks he can love me no matter what, and that he'll change me.....he says he wont make the same mistakes as my ex, and that everything will be ok.......i warned him, i warned my ex........and yet, no one ever wants to listen........yeah, that's all i hear, "i'm different from any other guy you ever met"..............so go ahead readers, laugh at me, hate me, love me, reprimand me for my stupidity, send hate mail, send mail about how you know too well how i feel, or do whatever u like....all i ask for, from you, is not to pity me........all i ask for god, is to be forgiven....
"forgive this outcast, hungry from birth....show her the mercy, she doesn't find, on earth....god help this outcast, or nobody will..."
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Reflection from Disney's Mulan
Click the link below for the lyrics to today's song....
Continue reading "i don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there..."
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 3:57 AM
October 24, 2005
and the second star on the right, shines it's light, just for you
CURRENT MOOD: Revived
and so i was about to crash.....i took off my headset, turned off my radio, just sat back and saw the floor of the canyon speed it's way towards me.....and when i closed my eyes, instead of hearing a deafening thud and feel a split second torment of massive pain.....there was nothing.......i was back in the air..........
so i was back in LA, after a squimish encounter with the doctor when i went in for my first full blown "annual" exam that so many women love (and i say that w/ the greatest of sarcasm) i hit the ac transit and slowly made my way to the oakland airport...i admit, it was fun, cruising down oakland and watching people get on & get off of the bus, seeing abnoxious kiddies, familys of 5, other loners like me.....it was fun, eventful, all while listening to emo punk rockers scream their little voices out about heartache and loss on my headphones.....so i got to the airport early, about 2 hrs early, so i unpacked my cards and played solitare (story of my life).....and you'd never guess, there were TV"S on my plane!!! it was fun watching That 70's show while ur hundreds of miles in the air....and all the while, i was dreading going back to LA, back to nothing....the only people to be glad to see me back would be my littlest bro and my mom...wow......but no, it was great......i saw the people i loved, my friends, my ex, my bro, my teachers...my everything.......it was wonderful being back in my hometown where everything is open 24/7 and there are taco stands on every corner......home sweet home....seeing my little kitty was the greatest thing.....she just sat in my lap and purred as if i never left home.....but people looked different, it was freaky, like, everything was exactly the same, but in a different way.....go home after a couple of months, and u'll see what i mean.........but this trip was more than just another outreach visit for me, it was a breath of fresh air, actually, more of another gulp of that reality that really brought u down to earth, that made you realize what you were doing alive in the first place.........i saw it......i saw that the things i left to look for in berkeley, were always waiting for me at home.....i saw friends who loved me and cared.....i saw students who looked up to me, despite how i looked or who i was, but who saw a role model, a person they wanted to be when they grew up.....i saw hope, i saw love, i saw my little brother's smile........and berkeley seemed so insignificant, the guys who never called, the guys who pretend to be ur friend and pretend to know what life is about, the friends who turn their back to you, the people who saw u for what u are, not what u can be...........yes, i am glad to be back in berkeley.....but its always good to see the reasons behind ur actions....to find that when you go back, ur bed is still there, ur kitty still jumps on ur lap, ur friends still call and hang out till 2am, that everything is still waiting for you, exactly the way u left it........
and so i opened my eyes, i was still in the air, but who was piloting the plane now? and thats when i saw, a person standing there, no face, just a blurry outline of something human, i stood, but it did not move.....i stepped closer, and was embraced with a hug u can never imagine, so much warmth, so much happiness, so much joy and love, all in one hug....i could have cried, i almost did, but it wasn't the time, because i still have a destination to get to, i put my hands back on the controls, and even though i still have no idea where i am going, at least i feel a little bit better about getting there......
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:16 PM
October 21, 2005
ave maria....
CURRENT MOOD: Confused
i think something is wrong with me....i haven't been myself lately, i haven't been myself for some time now.......and i've been saying and doing things i regret....i shouldn't.....*sigh* just going through some technical difficulties, please forgive me for everything i've done in the past couple of days......
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Careful Where You Stand by Coldplay
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:45 AM
October 18, 2005
i can't take my mind off of you, until i find somebody new....
CURRENT MOOD: Disappointed
and once again a dream dies, in the height of the climax....but i saw it coming, i tried to ignore the cliff ahead as i sped through hope.....but it didn't end in tears, it didn't end in hatred, jealousy, or depression.....just sheer disappointment, a simple mistake......one call is all it took to bring be back down to earth......*sigh* it was nice, and though i may never hear from him again, though i must admit that another loss is somewhat, well, i was hoping i wouldn't lose again......and so he called, said yesterday was a mistake....simple error.......i was stunned, shocked, for once in my life, speechless......he apologized, and said that life was too busy for a relationship, yeah, everyone is too busy for me.......but the funniest part of the conversation, i tried so hard to keep myself from laughing, was when he said that i was a beautiful girl, and i could easily find someone.....makes me want to laugh so hard that i would cry.......but it's ok....he didn't know, he doesn't know, and at least he made a happy day for me, one happy day from months of depression......well, thank you god for letting me see the sun, but i guess i have to go back into the deep, where darkness reigns.....but see, this time i have a little candle to light my way in the forest, a little spot of hope, that somewhere out there, there is someone, just for me..........why do i always have to be the mistake?
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
CLICK BELOW FOR LYRICS TO TODAY'S BLOG
Continue reading "i can't take my mind off of you, until i find somebody new...."
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 5:57 PM
October 1, 2005
it's been awhile
CURRENT MOOD: Regretful, but not regreting
why am i cursed with the touch of death? well it's not necessarily as if i kill all i touch, just...i don't know the difference from fantasy and reality, which can, at times, be harmful......it's that when i want something, really want something, no matter what, i can't have it.....i can have everyone else, but the one i love.....i fall in love to easily. so what if you have the perfect definition of love, i fit the requirements of a lovesick girl. i think about him all the time, he is the first one on my mind when i wake up, and the last one i think about before going to sleep. my day revolves around him, and when i am with him, it seems to last a second in forever.....have you ever experienced that? where when you are with someone, it seems to last an eternity, but then again seem to last only a minute? he makes me laugh, and he is so, different.....of course everyone i fall in love with are different in their own way. just the thought of being with him, even if it was only as a friend, would be......so.....so wonderful. he can be the one to make, & break, my day.....he is a dangerous man to have this kind of power over me, but he does, and he may not even realize it. he will never realize it.....he's laying in bed, while i am here typing my little heart away. he may have a notion though, it's my fault if he has any idea......i wished i never said anything at first, but i am just that kinda person....passionate, too passionate....when i fall for something, i fall hard, i can never just "like" something, every song i have, every romance i lived, every hobby i possess, at one point in my life, was more than just.....it was a love, a passion......i would love to get to know him, it's always nice to have a friend who can make me smile like he can, who can really just get me to forget about all that life has to destroy.......i don't know why, but i know that with him i can forget about troubles back home, friends who double as enemies, loneliness that can eat away a person's soul.......i can forget about a life that breeds insanity........perfection, he would be a great subject to capture on paper....i would hope to be able to one day do so........well, it's 2:30 am, and if for some reason, if by some off chance he is reading this, well, i want you to know i am sorry, for using you as the flavor of the month...i hope we can be friends
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Senza Fine by Monica Mancini
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 2:36 AM
September 23, 2005
Sinful, yes...but evil, never
The secrets in my heart are sinful not for the fact that I yearn for a man, but for the fact that I yearn for someone other than who I am committed to. But how can I resist him when he is so near? The way he brushes his hand against me, pretending not to notice the affect it has on me, makes chills run down my spine in a moment of ecstasy. Him pretending that my affection does not exist. Or is it really his ignorance that is blinding him from seeing my emotions? Or is it the fear of exposure? The fear of indulgence...Dreams are a stage that imagination can run free without the consequences of the real world. However my dreams cannot satisfy my appetite for him. My heart cannot feed off of imagination forever. I can be wrong for wanting him, but I live to appease myself and not the ideals of society. We can be free from the eyes of the public...living in the cellars of the world...hiding from our conscience so to be steeped in overwhelming pleasure..knowing that we can leave it behind in the dark. Only can we draw upon these memories we can make. Only we can claim these thoughts in the dungeons of our minds. Or if he wishes, we can bury our dreams amongst the graves of the forgotten.
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 3:17 PM
September 15, 2005
Thank God It's Thursday
CURRENT MOOD: Distressed
So...miss me yet? it's barely been a week....and yet I feel as if my life has always been like this...of course the first two days of being up here in UC Berkeley has been hell....devastating and absolute...why? well let's just say I ran into a couple of problems with housing and came close to homelessness....but now that's solved, and ...as for now...i am stuck in a single room, all alone, just in solitude, but it's not all that bad....it's nice to come "home" whenever you want and put any kind of music on and not have a roommate to tell you off for bringing in friends at 12 am.....*sigh* i love it here, but hate it all at the same time....i am so nervous about my choice for classes...and about what i should be majoring in...everyone around me is a comp. science major, or an engineering major, or a political science major....come around asking me, and "undeclared" doesn't sound as normal as most people say it is....and then even worse, to tell you my schedule....it's a bit embarrassing...of course i am going for classes I love...but how academic is theater & music...of course there is a calculus class in there, but that's because i wanted to please the family so they don't think i am trying to become a starving artist....*sigh* why is it I haven't met anyone with my same interests/classes? damn it....and even my style of dress is VERY...how do I say....well, let's just say I stick out like a sore thumb....ha ha....the only people who look the way i do are good for nothing bums on telegraph ave.....does that say sumthing about my future, i wonder? well, hopefully all goes well on the first day of class....and well, lets pray that i do not forget my roots...already i am slowly forgetting of memories and precious moments back in HP...of course, i will not forget my friends for the fact that your name is written in some sort of memory book i have kept for the past 5/6 years....but still, i am getting too used to this place, i need someone to bring me down to earth...worst of all, i need sumthing to keep me busy, least i want to fall flat on my face again for some good for nothing guy who's too good to be true......
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: I'm Not Okay (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:17 PM
September 9, 2005
In the arms of an angel
CURRENT MOOD: Broken Hearted
me, just being me....i should be doing my math homework right now, but instead....i sat here watching moulin rouge on my laptop....i don't know what it is about that movie, but every time i watch it, it makes me cry....i know what's gonna happen, i know in the end, despite a love so strong, it just won't be enough to overcome the inevitable.....and as i watch...see before my eyes a story of truth, beauty, freedom, but above all things, love....see it unravel, and see a love, i so desperately desire.....i wonder.....would anyone ever love as much as that.....love so much to risk the lives of many, to love so much as to play out a dream that in the end, would result in unimaginable torture, not of the physical kind, but of the soul......to have someone like that, willing to live and die for you, willing to trust in all you do and doubt everything you say, to know you so well that they can tell what is truth, and what is a lie.....we, yes we are so desparate to find such things as this, this love.....so desparate that we invest hundreds of dollars a year on makeup, so desparate that we indulge ourselves into hours of time wasted watching movies where there is a happily ever after, we are so desparate, that we waste meaningless hours getting to know him, bumping into her, constantly keeping a goddamn lookout for mr. or mrs. right, always wondering whether that guy across the street was the one........here we are with pics on the web, with webpages and profiles thinking that he would magically appear in the form of a friendly message sent by a stranger....by placing your entire life and being on screen, some sort of display of delicious objects posted up for "window(s)" shopping (if you actually got the joke you spend too much time on the computer)......ha, well, i should be one to critisize, cause here i am with my very own exhibit, so creatively displayed, so that i may entice a certain someone to take a chance on me......and it's not only on the web, but also when i parade myself around in outrageous outfits, and as much as i enjoy the ability to express my taste in fashion, there is not a day that i wake up, and not say "what shall i wear today, to impress that certain someone".....yes, i bait myself to catch one of the many fish in the sea....i wish to be as beautiful as those girls on the big screen, flaunting their perfection and having a love we are all jealous of.......yes, i know, it's only a movie....but every tale, every song, has it's underlying muse....it's own bit of reality, and truth.............
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Too Late by No Doubt
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:32 PM
August 28, 2005
To have & to hold
CURRENT MOOD: blah
i dont know what to say...but things are a little to perfect for me around here....it's all just so perfect...so many of my friends are just a bus stop away...i can come and go as i please...i eat whatever i want, whenever i want...i have the perfect classes....i am discovering exactly what i want to major in...and worst of all, i will be getting my own laptop very soon.....*sigh* but wait...there is one thing missing...there always was one thing missing....and sure...i feel so great when i am hanging out with my friends or in class or walking down telegraph getting the kind of attention i always have wanted.....but there is someone missing....*sigh* and is so beautiful because there is no possible way to fall in love here......people are too busy with classes and homework and friends and whatnot....or they are taken or gay...whatever the case...there are none left for me...and if there is, it's only the good for nothings down the street who beg for change or play in bands....people doing nothing with their life...and even then a small conversation is all you get b4 they disappear into the crowd again.....and then again...i may be too busy...to shy to go out there and get to know people and talk to everyone.....but i think.....when there is nothing to do but stare out my window and listen to sad songs about love and hate and loss.....i hurt for someone....to talk to...to love....to hold....someone like me who can finally understand where it is i come from and what it is i am......so every day i straighten my hair, put on my makeup, and dress in a strange but sensational way....just to impress someone....but i go home...wash my face, and stare out my window again....just as alone, as i was.....before
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely by Backstreet Boys
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:06 PM
July 10, 2005
"Be what you would seem to be"--or if you'd like it put more simply--
"Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."' - excerpt from Alice in Wonderland
CURRENT MOOD: Contemplative
Muah ha....thurs. july 7 - leaving for the airport, and alby is in the drivers seat worried that he won't make it home by 1:50 pm, when it's 1:40 pm.....so he & patty drop me off, say a quick good bye & good luck, and me and my camping bag (oversized backpack) goes to get a ticket....so my flight doesn't leave until 3:45 pm....so i got a long way to go, i get to my gate, and realize that i was the only person uner 40 there! a bunch of old men & women in business suits sit around the waiting area with there ear pieces on, their hand helds out, and shirts tucked in......wow, then out of no where spring break wanna be-s come around, being re-routed to our gate to take a plane up to vegas....of course....losers, they still went after us...airplane takes of, and my cd player dies after 4 songs....right in the middle of Roxanne too! damn....oh well, i read the magazine offered in the little back pocket....touchdown, leave in a shuttle with 5 other old wrinkly women, and one person soon to be my roommate for my UCB CalSO 3day program.....so i met a few old homies at UCB....daisy from HP, my PCA peeps, and that's about it.....so it was cold, confusing, and intimidating the whole time.....strange looking peeps, with strange looking desires, and strange looking habits....it was all greek to me......so i got my university id, some info on UCB stuff, and put together my class sched., but all in all, it was informative.....woke up third day, went to breakfast, made my classes official, stood around w/ jairo...and left in a dream.....i was half awake while the shuttle took me to the airport in a mad dash as we leaped over every pebble and crack on the freeway, then getting ticket, going through security, getting to gate, sitting in line...* yawn*...pulled out some magazines and booklets i got at UCB....still had an 2 hours to take off, 1 hr, wow, so quickly we take off again...this time i got pretzels! got to burbank, called alby, got in his car, and drove home......moral of the story is...i'm old, and losing sight of my goals, which i never even identified in the first place, as the 3 days went by in a blaze, and truck loads of info being dumped in my little hands. yeah, i want that new laptop, and living in clark kerr dorms will be fun....but i feel empty, indifferent, de-passioned of the love i once had for higher educated.....jaded over the fact that when i start into the mirror i see an adult who has handled much of her life on her own, but does owe great thanks to the little people (who are big in my heart), this girl, once a little mermaid dreaming of world domination, kitties, and what i should wear tommorrow to impress him.....now....now i am a college student. one thing that stuck from my CalSO program was that when you come to college, the only person who is responsible for you, is you....the only person who cares about you, is you....the only one who can screw you over, is just you.....so i came to UCB hoping to find the people to fill the void in my life....to find that someone just for me who makes me laugh and not feel alone, whether it be a good friend or good lover, or just a group with similar interests and fantasies.....but all i am doing is delving myself in a deeper pit of solitude as that only i can be the one to save myself....no one else ever could have.....
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: You Gotta Be by Des'ree
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:44 AM
May 27, 2005
Smile, though your heart is aching
CURRENT MOOD: Thoughtful
I live to make people happy, especially when they need it the most, that would explain why I bend over backwords for friends, and lovers....i take nothing seriously, and though I may act oblivious, i know, but maybe it's a made up dream, a fantasy, a whacked out world of reality....It's like a have a secret mission to do on this earth, and it's been done before...where there was a sad little someone, I can't stand seeing a sad little someone....and I arrive, just in time, to make their world bright for just a little while, until everything is right again, until the planets realign to make the world right again, then I disappear, and that person is happy again, in their own little life....and I walk away, glad to have made a difference, and move on to cheer up the sad little someone farther ahead, i have no guilt, no regret, This all has happened once before, it still happens (although with hardly any success on this case), but I accept it, because i love seeing people smile, I love making them smile, even if it's just a little while.....it's what I live for, it's what i am working for.....a secret contract struck up between two people, and when my job is done, memories are stored away in a secret box, that only two people hold the key, and I walk away, I ask for nothing in return, only that person's happiness....yes, nothing has ever happened...and shall that person need me again, to brighten their day, I will be there, ready to serve, to love, to make better......i love my friends, and i would do anything for them, i would do anything, so that they wouldn't cry...i know what my purpose here is....why i live on this earth, this is why i move on to a higher education to better myself and the lives of others, but don't mistake what I do as some emotionless profession, no....i am not a paid whore who throws happiness away like yesterdays newspapers....what i feel is genuine, what i experience, to me, is real......and though I may hurt a little when it's over and done, it will never override the joy i felt, making that someone smile, knowing i done my duty, and yes, i will move on, making others laugh....others smile.....I guess that is my gift to the world, that's is honestly, the only thing in this life, that makes me feel worthwhile, that makes me feel useful, that pulls me out of this constant depression, because i know, i made you smile
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Smile by Nat King Cole
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:00 PM
May 12, 2005
Leave me alone
CURRENT MOOD: Pessimistic
yeah, I always am talking about how i want to affect someone's life, that I want to make a change in the world....well let me cut to the chase, i just did that....I ruined his life.....Now isn't that just fucking peachy? You know, i know from the start, that it would come to this, now, because of me, he got kicked out of school. I look around and realize, now what is so fucking great about life? you lose friends, gain new ones, lose those, love people, they never love you back, people screw you over, and in return you screw them over too....I mean here were are stuck in a dank little room called earth, with only limited options available in our life....so many rules to abide by, and here we are, like fucking animals, living, eating, polluting, fighting, killing.....and it starts from day one...we go to school, trained to go to certain places when the bell rings, trained to listen to your elders, trained that speaking without raising your hand is wrong, that you address everyone else by mr. or mrs....and here we are, pathetic sheep following the shepard that says "education is your only way to live life", so we angelically follow the rules to get that scholarship and go to that college, just so when we get there we get trained to follow new routines and new rules....and me, people like me make this world fucked up.....i setting the standards so high, the biggest follower of them all, the biggest kiss ass to get that A, ruining other people's lives cause i want them to be a conformist just like me......all i do is ruin other people's lives, i ruined my father's, my mother's, albert's, my friends', and even my own.....i shouldn't even have been born, or survive this long as a matter of fact....i should have been taken out of my mother's womb like the rest of my previous bros/sisters....i should have died in the hospital, i was in there for a month after i was born, and thank god for fucking medical science that kept me alive.....honestly, whats so great about trying so hard to making a life for yourself...years from now, that damn yearbook that featured you as the most popular whoever in school will be thrown away with the rest of the used condoms, dirty diapers, and yesterday's magazine......no one will remember you, or what you done, you'll just be another useless corpse taking up a 6 ft deep hole in the ground, only to be burned to ashes when family & friends forget ur grave so that another nameless body can be tossed in.....it's gonna happen eventually.....and so who cares if you become a famous whatever that changes the world, cause you will still find a way to wreck someone's life....newton killed millions with his discovery of gravity, cause now people all over the world will know that if they fall off that building there is no way they can fall up and live, so what if franklin or whoever discovered electricity, cause no matter how many dark rooms we can light up at midnight, we will never be able to light up the minds of every dark, ignorant fool in the world....and here i am, falling into the category of another depressing, suicidal joke....lamenting about life, and all the hardships faced, crying that there is not enough money, or mommy and daddy hate me....giving everyone an excuse to pity me and give me your consolences...and one day, i'll be thrown in a mental institution like the rest of my buddies, stuck with a million stuffed cats, meowing and laughing and crying all at the same time in my lovely new yellowing jacket with the too many buckles, the only thing to do is stare at that white wall, trying to scrub off that black splotch right in the middle, scrubbing and scrubbing but never able to wash it off, but only making it grow bigger and bigger, going crazy with the stain that won't go away, yelling and screaming cause the stain won't go away, my virginity is gone, my innocence is lost, the tainted wall, will never go white again....
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: The Reason by Hoobastank
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 7:12 PM
April 11, 2005
My life falls back into another depression
CURRENT MOOD: Empty
Back to nothingness I suppose, and here i sit, typing away, without a single bit of....well anything....I am lost, confused...and for once, the music can't seem to explain just what course my life is taking this time....how can I survive without the music? how am I suppose to explain, what it is this time? You know, I feel so empty, so worthless.....i just really let the whole world down, and when I am down, there goes the world, elated, flying away, floating on it's wonder drugs....and if I am not the cause for your happiness...who is? I just want, to make people happy....that's all I care about....but I can't, he gets into one of his moods again, and i try so hard, to get him to smile, but his mind is on other things, other people, not on me....so I quit....then I turn around and he is laughing, smiling, so happy without me....is that what he needs? my absence? I don't want to let him go, but I know, he could just care less if I did.....I care about him so much, I care so much about his happiness, but why, I ask, can't he see it? It's it obvious? How I go about my day, just to make him smile, even if it hurts me in the end? But when, at the end of the night, I am awake at one in the morning, thinking of him, wondering, if he is thinking of me, or just asleep, in another state of his dreamless trance....and I try to hold him, but he pushes me away, I wipe my shoulder clean for him to cry on, I wait, patiently, for him to tell me how he feels, but he shuts down on me.....why does he shut down on me? And I feel empty, useless, worthless....and I stare at the sunny skies, thanking god that he can warm my heart, and for a few moments, i can dream of the life i will have, and people who i can make happy, and friends who care, and a place where i belong.....and here come's the shadows again, slowly creeping their way towards me, hiding the sun, hiding the warmth....i want to cry...just sit down, plug in my earphones, and let everything i have been holding in for the past couple of months spill out in one big splurge of psychotic emotions and desperate wailing......but I can't, I have to keep up the act, I have to laugh, smile, go on as I was yesterday....because i don't want anyone to see me cry....no, i care not if you see me cry, what i really care about, is that i will be there, crumpled on the floor crying, and him, and everyone, would just walk by....not caring, not noticing, not stopping to say, "hey, is everything alright?"....no...people will never say that, not where I am, not where i live....they will walk on, thinking to themselves....god, what a drama queen....i don't know if it's just me, or whether everyone here thinks i am a villian, an evil crazy bitch, deserving to be put down to sleep......I think i am correct when I say people here...in this place, could care less about me...despite how hard i try to care about them...and the people who care...are too far away to hold....too far away, to really do anything.......everyone, seems to be too far away for me to hold....
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Somewhere Out There by James Ingram and Linda Ronstadt
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 6:08 PM
March 14, 2005
Just another thought
CURRENT MOOD: Lonely
i feel so alone, again. yeah i have a great many friends now, but i still have this gap in my life, this emptiness in my soul that just can't be fulfilled. I have so many great people to talk to now. There's jackie, one of the few female friends I have. She's great to laugh with, & joke around with when it comes to eye candy. A great stress reliever and break from daily life's problems. Then there is Arnulfo, yeah I don't talk to my "fiancee" very much, but those times we get to hang out, is just so great, like our own little world where laughter can cure all illnesses and anything can be turned into an adventure, where things i normally can't tell anyone else are told, and i can let it all out, without him spilling it to the world. Then there is some new friends I made too, like Travis, from New York. He has so much hope, and is so enthusiastic about our friendship. He is like a male replica of me, with similar interests, and similar thoughts, much like the older brother i always wanted but never could have. Then there is Brian, from New Jersey, definitely on my top ten list for the most sincere/kindest guy i met so far. He can talk to me about anything and everything, and instead of me giving all the input, he usually always has something to say. And he makes me feel so great about myself, and tells me about himself, instead of me just jabbing away about my life. Plus, he is one of the VERY RARE examples of true spiritual love, and how there are people out there you can just connect with on such a deep level, a connection i sought for with someone for years, and more years to come......Then there is Paul, yeah just mr. bunny rabbit i known since Middle School, and good company when there is really nothing to do at school. Very trustworthy, and although a little wussy at times, true to his heart. He will make a girl really happy one day, one who would make him just as joyful. And last, but not least, Albert......this guy is the most perplexing and contradicting personalities i met so far. He is one whom knows me for who I really am. He the one who knows my life better than anyone else on this earth, besides me of course. He knows my fears, my dreams, he has seen my tears, and my smiles. Although he may be disappointing at times, and has broken my heart more than once, he has shown himself worthy of my love when it really counts. Now, I know all these great people, and so many more that I just have not the time to mention, but there is one flaw in all of this, I still feel so empty. Some of these people i can't see, I can't hug, I can't be comforted by unless its over the phone, but its not the same. The different time zones plays a big toll on my heart, because sometimes when you just feel bad, or just want to go out and get your mind off of things, you can't, just cause they are too far away......Then the others I see daily, there are just some people that you show a certain side of yourself. You can't cry infront of them, you can't ask to be held, because you see them everyday, and I am not one who likes to show weakness in front of others.....I hear of this deep connection one can have with another....I hear of it often......Something that goes far beyond how much one knows of the other, or how many things people have in common......a connection that intertwines the souls so that they become one, no its not love, its just, a true love, one that does not involve holding hands, kissing, and cupid flying around w/ its arrows....no not at all....its a deep appreciation for another soul. that baths your heart in a silver bowl, cleansing it of impurities of the past with warm, rose-scented compassion.......that just makes you feel, brand new.....no lust, no longing, just absolute love, a love of a mother and child, a love of a caring god and faithful follower, the innocent love of two elementary school children, your first best friend whom you thought you would live as roommates and experience life at its fullest together.......of course in a world as tainted as ours, with its everlasting desires of the flesh and frantic searching for "the one" to spend your life with, no one stops, and listens. Just sit down, and let your soul mate come to you. Not your soul mate in the sense of the one you would marry, but that, someone just for you, that person who can make everything right, a friend who can turn your world upside down and the both of you just have the greatest of time putting it right back up. Just someone to fill the emptiness in one's heart, to make life just so much clearer, so much more hopeful, so much worth living for.......a great friend i once had, whom knows nothing of me, and can't name my favorite color, can't recall the crush i had in the fourth grade, but whom i feel at ease with, feel like myself, feel just.....so brand new
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Think of Me by Sarah Brightman
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 6:15 PM
March 1, 2005
Oh so tired
CURRENT MOOD: Useless
I don't know what's been going on lately, but i been feeling...like i don't belong. I always think that people are talking behind my back, like everyone hates me and are in on it. I feel terrible, tired, and misunderstood. Why am I so much more different than everyone else? I want to be normal, I want to feel things that are normal. I don't want to be so sensitive and so paranoid of others. I want to have friends, and I want to know how to be a friend. But no one has patience to deal with me. No one has the capability to truly understand me, I mean as a person. I always do something wrong, or I always think the wrong way. My mind is so dark. I don't want to be anti-social. In reality, I am the friendliest person you ever met. I can open up to anyone. I guess that is my flaw. I let everyone in. I trust everyone too easily if they give me just a little attention. I am such an open book. I can tell anyone anything if they ask, which is why i feel so vunerable. I seem strong, independent, but deep down inside is a little pretty girl who just wants to feel like she belongs somewhere, with someone. Somewhere that I am not afraid to spill my emotions, my life....somewhere where I can be me, and people love me for it. Not here. This is not the place. Here people keep their feelings buried deep inside. Everyone is afraid to let people into their hearts. And just because I let everyone know how I feel, people hate me for it. When I am angry, I let you know how pissed off I am. When I am sad, I just don't want to be alone, I just want emotional support until i feel better about myself. I don't want advice, I don't want choices (unless I ask for it), I don't want people telling me how to live my life....I know what I could do, what should be done, I just want someone there to say, "hey, its alright. no matter what i'll be your friend, so have a hug, and just tell me what u want off ur back"....................................*sigh* Don't think my life is screwed up, don't think I am screwed up.....cause I am not....I am just me........A little insane, a little creepy, a little dark, a little sunny.....just a disproportional mixture of everything
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:41 AM
February 17, 2005
I am & will always be...
CURRENT MOOD: Gloomy
Yeah...ain't life great......? I feel just so alone..........hell yeah i got about 80 friends on myspace.com alone (for you who don't know, it's a website for friends to keep in touch & meeting new people) , but *sigh* what use is that now? I just can't get over it.....I am a complete failure....sure i get good grades, heck there are people who would give up anything to be me...to have my brains or my looks or my life, take it! i don't want it anymore...i never did....i never did anything right......i disappoint my family, i disappoint my friends, i disappoint my b/f (well now ex b/f)............I even disappoint myself.....what good is my life if i can't make people happy? it's hard enough as it is to keep myself happy, my job happy, my family happy, my friends happy, my school grades happy, my love(s)? happy.............*sigh* I am just not cut out for this life.....wake up at 6 am....make it to calculus by 7 am, go to work @ 9 am ( and I am lucky if i get to spend my 8:30 - 9:00 break with anyone besides Mr. Bear ), leave work @ 1:30 pm, make it home by 2 pm, take care of my 4 yr old bro till 4 am...then get about an hr or two of sleep................how do i do it? eh....just the part of my day i look forward to the most.....the reason i get up in the morning................but anywayz its all a waste.......cause of my hectic schedule i can't keep my (ex) b/f happy...and the little time i have to go out...well...he is just not there....we are two completely different people......he wants trust.....i want proof......he wants freedom.....i want to spend every possible moment with the one i love........he is spontaneous b4 12 pm......i am spontaneous after 12 pm...........yeah opposites attract, but how the hell can i keep him happy? how can he keep me happy? all i wanted was a guy there on call 24/7...that if i ever wanted to go out...he was there....that when he told me he was at home, well then....he'll be home....that when i show up at his doorstep unexpectedly, he opens the door with a loving smile and a big hug.........that if i ever wanted to be held, he'll rush to me, stroke my hair, and tell me everything will be alright.........does such a guy exist?............maybe, but no.....there is no someone just for me....someone who meets my needs and i meet his, no compromises, no questions asked....someone willing to show me proof, and me willing to put them b4 everyone else in life..........*sigh* should i change i ask? why yes...i should, cause well I will never met such a guy, alby is the closest thing i got....the only one i got......i don't want to make him feel like crap for me being me.....it's just how i am....who i am....blame my mom, blame my life, blame those damn disney films.....it don't matter...i still will be me *meow* v_v why does life have to be so lonely? so cold? so bitter? why was i programmed to feel pain......................? *sigh* well at least i have UC Berkeley, $28,000 scholarship, my fully functional body, my cracked and scarred heart...poor little thing....u are still so willing to love, & be loved....
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Fly Away From Here by Aerosmith
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 9:45 PM
February 12, 2005
This is not the blog I intended...oh well
CURRENT MOOD: Distressed
yes in place of the happy go lucky entry i had written earlier....i decide to write this piece of crap.............yeah things are back to normal now....i am sad, lonely, and sick...........bleh.............well at least everyone else is happy, right? things are back to normal......albert's out there in his own little world.....my anti-social skills are hurting me for the worse in my solitude, but hey who am i to blame? the few i accept as socially companionable are out there living their own lives.......*sigh* and here comes V-day...whoop de doo.....yeah, buy me off for a day, make me smile, then leave me in the dark again while u play with ur friends..........i made one more enemy i can't call my own........click click...the computer will always be my friend...HAHAHAHA you can never leave me!!! *computer crashes* oh bother.........lol..............*looks at empty space besides her computer* i wish i had something to read........something to do besides damn homework..... *looks down* i am so alone...................
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Hardest Thing by 98 Degress
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 10:27 PM
"L" is for the way you look at me
CURRENT MOOD: Peaceful
Love, a four letter word that can hold so much joy, so much pain, so much compassion, that many have died for it, lived for it, and even waited for it. But how do you know you found love? Even worse, how does love know it found you? Throughout our lives we make decisions that closes doors and opens windows. Cliche, I know....but these choices we make defines who we are, and determines who we'll become. But you never know what is the right choice for you, until after you had made your decision.........
***Once upon a lonely girl's heart, was a dream of (just like ever other fairy tale you hear) finding her prince charming. Of course she was in love, and her boyfriend was as far away from prince charming as you can get...lol...but she wanted so much more out of her relationship, she wanted someone who will fulfull her every need and every wish. The boyfriend tried as hard as he could to keep up with the demand, but with life being as unpredictable as it is, bumps were hit along the way that made both of their hearts hurt just a little bit more. But the girl didn't expect anything more than what her boyfriend could offer. She accepted the heartache, she accepted the disappointment, of course she would, because she loved her boyfriend, and her loved her back. Sadly, the heart wanders off, and in that vunerable moment of pity and desperation, a defenseless heart crosses her path...or maybe it was the other way around.............???........This guy, he was just so heartbroken, so sad, so lonely, sitting there one toxicating thought after another with no glimpse of hope, (well....except for one, no, no, thats a forbidden fruit too sweet to taste......didn't stop adam or eve now did it?).......But how can she not offer him a hug? It was one of her boyfriend's good friends, he needed comforting, and she was just so good at that. One hug would never hurt....(never say never). Days passed, they became closer, this guy and her. What are others making of it? The boyfriend couldn't be there as much as this guy can, too many reasons beyond explanation excused him from being there in her life so often. Were they just good friends? Yes, why, yes they were! But this guy, he liked her. Loved her?....just infatuated by her.....?......Who knows? only she knows. Only she will be the one who ever knows.....They were perfect for each other, for that little time, it was perfect. Someone just for her. Someone just for this guy. Where was the boyfriend? As any good boyfriend, he knew, he knew all along. But he also knew something else. That love was just so much more than that. History with someone is hard to erase. The tears, the smiles, the fights, and the laughter....it's all too much to compete with, even for this guy who was just so perfect, so beautiful. This guy had the adoration, he had the devotion, he had the smile, he had the heart......he had everything a girl could ask for, well....almost everything. He didn't have the patience. Love, like all things, require patience. No, It was never love, just stubborn infatuation. The girl, she had patience, she was strong till the end. She knew, she knew this guy will never love her, as much as the boyfriend. Despite how much more the girl deserves, how much more qualified this guy is, he just doesn't know. Just doesn't know what love is. Or maybe, just maybe, he already knew......So there he goes, breaking his first heart, making his first girl cry, so many firsts.....she was glad it was herself, cause she can tolerate the pain. She's just so used to it on so many levels. But it was nice, lovely perhaps. Here comes the boyfriend again, sorry for not being good enough, sorry for not trying harder, sorry for not being there when she asked. He was ready to leave, just so she can be happy. (hush you and your nonsense *smiles*) But likes always, the boyfriend had the patience, the boyfriend waited till she realized what he knew all along. That despite the boyfriend's flaws, the fights, and his few bad habits, he loves her more than anyone ever could. He will always love her, she will always love him. He will always hold her hand, and even when she strays away, he'll be there to catch every tear, ready to let go if she asked him too.....***
Love is not how much you have in common, or how much you know about each other, but its a test of strength. When you can wait forever and a day for your love to return to you, when you know that an eternity later your love will still be there, then hey....you found it, or love found you.....It doesn't matter how tingly he makes you feel, how much she makes you smile, well of course its part of love, but, what really matters is how long s/he'll wait. Cherish the loved ones your have now, don't make YOUR love wait one day more for you. Tell that girl you liked since 7th grade how you feel for her (mr. bunny rabbit), tell that boyfriend you had for over a year just how much you care, tell your secret desire that you'll wait for their love until the end of time........because the worst thing you can do is miss that opportunity for another hug, another kiss............(maybe another lifetime)...........Appreciate whose thoughts are with you, and whose heart you have.
***......everything happens for a reason....and as Valentine's Day draws near, the girl is just so glad, that not only does she spend it with someone she loves, but she spends it with someone who loves her right back.
Happily ever after.***
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Enjoy The Silence by Depeche Mode
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:21 PM
October 12, 2004
Am I worth Anything?
CURRENT MOOD: Scared
I am evaluating my life...my traits...my self....and i am slowly finding more and more things to hate.....have i really became worse than i once were? being so love obsessed and fearing the loathsome status of solitude....i mean what is so great about me anyhow....i dont trust people....i fear everyone with an abstract idea that everyone would someday betray me.....i fear being alone...unloved....for i have already tasted the sweet dizzying wine of love.....but the cup is locked away.....and i am with no key or means of opening the cupboard........for the past month...maybe longer...i been living with this terrible physical condition.....my heart burns icy hot.....my skin feels ablaze with the most unplesantness....and i am falling further and further into comformity.....super-glueing my happy face so that i may somehow manipulate myself into believeing that i am happy.....my sanity is holding on by a weak thread.....but luckily i am seeking help from few people whom i consider valuable resources.....seeking temporary infatuation is not helping..... indulging myself into mountains of schoolwork does not get my mind off of my flaws......i hate how weak i have become.....i hate how superficial and materialistic i am....i need the straight As, the college degree, the money making job to be considered successful....but will i ever be happy? i find the only time i am happy is in small bouts of solitary walks through beauty, such as steeping myself in words of fictional realms, or feeding off the perfection of impressionist art, or even nature..........i can lose myself in the passion of my music, but the ecstacy can only live for so long......what kind of monster have i become? to allow myself to wear so many faces to so many different people and losing track of what i show to who.....even to the ones whom i thought i could show the deepest truest form of myself has asked me to once again put on my happy play of quick smiles and utter perfection.........understand i am a bitch! i care not if i believe that i am better than you all!!! but of course my own critic tells me that i do not deserve to breath the same air as such fantastic beings as yourselves.......maybe the reason i despise so many is because i am jealous of your clarity, your talents, your strength......and here i am splattering pathetic tales on your screen.....hoping for some words of truth and encouragement.....all i long for is truth.....and belonging.....i want to belong somewhere .........i yearn for truth....blinding truth, stinging truth....deadly truth....no matter the effect on my soul.........my dearst you see me here before your very eyes wasting away to a heap of shit......nothing more than shit.... longing for acceptence....my own acceptence....i make mistakes... but i blind my eyes from truth so that i may live knowing that i was right......i made the right choices....ha....so very funny......can i so easily walk away from all my responsibilities, my expectations, my goals....just to be free......should i go ahead and tear myself down and tell myself YOU WERE WRONG!!!....the saddest thing is that i knew...i knew all along i was wrong........pathetic me.....look at you trying to find sympathy....you became the very thing you hate....how i hate myself......of course to correct my wrongs i will have to go through a long series of torturous tasks.....*sigh* here we go again....have any of you read The Awakening by Kate Chopin? Such a truthful book...in many ways i relate myself to the protagonist, Edna.....i am too weak to fully break away from social double standards, and i am in desparate need for love....but i am also too weak...to well grounded on this earth...to attempt suicide....as much as i fondle and water the idea with my thoughts.....i cannot let go of this earth....for i fear the afterlife....i fear i do not deserve eternal happiness....or i fear that my beliefs of guardian angels and protecting entities will be smashed to oblivion...and i will melt away into non-existence....not being able to let any of you know that there is nothing after this life.......
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Giving In by Adema
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 6:56 PM
March 24, 2004
Another Sad Song
CURRENT MOOD: Depressed
I find myself crying more and more each day....harder and harder each night...and my heart feels like its being squeezed tighter and tighter each time i see him.....i loath people wallowing in a pathetic life grieving for a past love...and i tell each one of them "GET OVER IT!" but once again my expanding mind reaches a new level of conscienceness....i contradict myself once again....as my hands shake...trying to type up my soul'd cry...i realize i done it again and set myself for another broken..........well i should not hate people for their traits first of all....cheerleaders, suicidals, pathetic losers, sex crazed maniacs, i should not abhor a single one...for we too want to be them, would be like them, if only we lived their life in their mind....but back to my heart wrenching story...........like any other human on this earth i too am not perfect, maybe to the eyes of some but guess what, i am not....i need advice once again from the ones who know me the best...or those who know life's motives the best....i am not ashamed of what i done....or not ashamed of what i do...well....let us speak hypothetically.....*sigh* i am not sure if i am even allowed to say this much.....for i do not have consent from the other party....oh well.....i love him....if you know who it is then great.....but i really do....i would not be here if it weren't for him....whether you want to take it as living here today, or in my current mental instability....i cannot let go of him....and he is always there....i could hold him...i could hug him....i could kiss him....but worst of all i can see him....i see him day to day knowing that i could not have him....knowing he would not have me....he probably wont read this....most likely....but why do i have to see him everyday....with the possibility that i may lose him...to someone prettier, smarter, or just better than me.....once again this all goes back to survival....every other female predator out there is a threat to me, is threatening me......but it just goes so much deeper than that.....oh i trust him and what he says to me.....but why does it seem like....something else....Dr. Jekyll stop making my life a living hell and let me trust....or are you protecting me from getting too deep? and here i am setting up for another broken.............well i guess i cannot ask for advice if i am giving you nothing to work with here.....and dont assume you know what is going on...for like everything else in my life.....the layers of complication this single issue goes into is....well deep..........my lord i wish i could break away....i wish i had no eyes to see girls swarming about him....i wish i had no ears to hear his compliments to others.........i wish i had no taste so this bitterness on my tongue would cease.....i wish i had no smell so not to sense the cheap perfume of other women on his clothing.......i wish i had no touch, so that i would never notice that he is not holding me right now.......all i have to do is wait.......but even then is that single seemingly distant impossibility......i am not patient..........there is nothing to occupy my mind......no one to distract me....perhaps i allow no one to distract me......but do i really want to set myself up for another broken heart?
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:30 AM