Past The Point Of No Return

August 11, 2007

Somewhere, Someday

CURRENT MOOD: Wishful

Yeah, it has been awhile since I last seen you. Of course I'm speaking to that little page on movabletype that I use to frequent so often in years past. This page that I would turn to in order to type my deepest thoughts and feelings on those days I was feeling a little too low. It's been awhile since I've hit that "create new entry" button. Of course that doesn't mean I don't have entries written up from my hiatus to update this page with; it just means that I didn't have the time nor the tools to allow you to invade my privacy. Yes, this time I am referring to you, the reader. How clich"accentmark-e" - I was too lazy to find out how to put that little accent mark above that e - well folks, that's my writing for you.

Life, as everybody must know by now, is by far the most complicated little puzzle. What is so great about life (as well as the most annoying) is that when you think you put all the pieces together, little brother comes along and jumbles the puzzle up again... sometimes even eating a piece or two. Of course little brother can come in the form of many things: romance, money, health, business, school, etc. Always a new threat, well, for the lucky its alway a new threat. For me, it's same ol' same ol'. I'm always stupid enough to think that Mr. "I'm gonna screw up your jigsaw" is really Mr. "i'm gonna make sure the pieces stick this time". Oh well. It's not the end of the world... right?

It's not necessarily like my life has gotten all complicated again, if anything, it's far from it. It's just that for once I thought I really found some stability. Something tangible and that I can hold on to for the rest of time while everything else around me changes. Philosophers and prophets alike say "change is good". Well, tell that to the people who throw away twenty dollars worth of pennies, nickels, and dimes... Change is inevitable, no matter how you look at it, but its nice to just have a few stable dollar bills. Okay, enough with the puns... but really, my life would be so much better if there was one thing I can have for the rest of my life. Friends come and go, family is wedged with distance (not to mention is only good in small doses), school only last a few years, careers can only go so far, and as for residence... well, I migrate just about as much as swallows from summer to winter. One thing that I thought was a guarantee to stay with me for the rest of my life was a partner. Boyfriend, husband, whatever. I want a man who will stay by my side no matter what. Is that really much to ask for? In my case, its seems like the answer to that question is yes.

I'm an old fashioned romantic stuck in the modern age of independent women who need nothing more than the occasional physical indulgence. Men who come and go as they please and us women who are expected to just move on to the next entree (another accent mark please). Yes, those women are revered. Business women who rule the world and has everybody at her feet. Doesn't anybody believe in marriage anymore? Are there any women out there who still dream of finding a prince charming and living a quiet little wifely life?

It's not that I am going to be content with just being a tiny housewife. I want my own career and I want to help bring food to the table, but I want someone to share my life with. Current boyfriend says that one is never free unless one lives for oneself. He doesn't see a future with me, and just sees me as convenient for the moment. He doesn't understand how people can even have the desire to be with someone until they die... people should live for themselves and no one else. Well, as true as that may be, my desire to wear a pretty silver ring on my left hand is in my eyes the perfect way to live for myself. I want someone to love me forever and ever, and remember me when I die. So really, I guess in some way its a desire to be immortal.

The afterlife is a scary thing to think about. Sure you can believe in your god, but what if your wrong? I am not saying you are, but, just... what if? or what if you worshiped the wrong way and destined for an eternity in pain? No one knows what happens, we just all have theories... and thinking about death is a scary thought. The unknown is a scary thought... that's why we are afraid of the dark. But if I can have one person remember me with love, then my death won't be so bleak. My existence in that persons mind would be blissful. In that person's mind, I won't be forgotten in some void. I won't disappear, I won't suffer in flames, but in his head, I can have a happy afterlife... because that is really the only place we are guaranteed to be after we pass on. Only in thoughts and dreams.

Well, maybe all hope is not lost, I'm still young, and I still have plenty of time to find my prince, but it just seems wrong to still love the one I'm sleeping next to now. It's like I'm cheating on my husband to be. Current boyfriend says just enjoy the time we have together, but all I think is that he just wants someone to fuck for awhile. Is there a point in being with someone when you know it's going to end? What about if being with current boyfriend means missing out on the chance to meet future husband? Well, unfortunately my questions reach out to an absent audience... or a mute audience... who knows? One thing is for sure... one day I'll find another love.

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG:
Someday My Prince Will Come by Cassandra Wilson

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:22 AM

March 20, 2007

it is never enough. it never ends. they were there all along.

CURRENT MOOD: Teary-Eyed

I try, to keep calm, to stay happy, to look at the brighter side of life... but its never enough. for those of you who knew the old me, you would dare recall the old me, the me that always let life's little mistakes get her down, the me who got so easily hurt, so easily depressed. I use to so easily give up. Now, I've become someone different. Someone who doesn't let things get to her, and tries her best to keep strong. But at a certain point, it just doesn't seem like its enough.

There always has to be something going wrong in my life, just this time, the mistakes, the wrongdoings, the mishaps were all happening behind my back. People think I'm too fragile, that I can't handle the truth, that I can't handle reality, and instead, keep me thinking that everything is okay. It's family, its friends, it's everyone. Just stop goddamn trying to protect me. I'm going to fucking find out sooner or later.

I apologize for being annoying, I apologize for bothering too much, I'm sorry I can't help you, I'm sorry for just everything I ever done. I hate that I have no control over what's going on right now. Before, I blamed everything on myself, and now, I know its not my fault, and it hurts so much, because there is also nothing I can do about it.

There are a million things I am talking about right now, and I just don't feel like writing it all up. Why? because, now I'm feeling selfish for taking your time. For asking for your pity, your sympathy, your condolences. I feel goddamn selfish asking for all this pathetic attention that I don't deserve.

I feel alone again. Sure, you can all say your there for me, but I still feel alone. I can be in a room full of people right now, and I would still feel alone. Thing is, I want to be alone. Right now, I enjoy this solitude. I am starting to loath all those I loved. God. I don't want to turn back into me again. I wish I was someone lovable, desirable, someone good, someone worth a damn. Someone with some sort of appeal, but deep down inside, despite all I say about myself, I feel there is nothing appealing about me at all.

I'm sorry for the troubles, I'm sorry for the pain, I'm sorry for the worries, the tears, the uncertainty, the guilt, the doubt, the annoyance, the regret, the anxiety, the temptation, the mistrust, the disloyalty, the hurt, the lack of better things to say and better ways to say it.

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG:
See You Soon by Coldplay

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:10 PM

February 6, 2007

Momentos

CURRENT MOOD: Beautiful

I was glancing over all the blogs I wrote in the past three years. Well, now turning into four years, and wow, I just have to say, I was so emo. It's amazing to see how my writing has developed over the past few years, and I believe that these chatterbox postings actually did me alot of good. Well, now, I am not so emo. Sure, every now and then I write the occasional melancholy "oh woe is me" blog, but that is just a good stress reliever. But nowadays, I try to write blogs with meaning, something with effect, and beauty. Because life is a random, yet beautiful thing. There is this quote I ran into a month ago: "Good times pass away, but then so do the bad. Mutability is our tragedy, but it is also our hope. The worst of times, like the best, are always passing away."

This quote, could not be anymore true. And it was this quote, that gave me the strength to keep hopeful for happiness in my life for the past month, as well as the same quote, that made me appreciate the good times I had (or having) even more. No matter what, for me anyways, life will always be a bumpy ride, but I just happen to have the luck, of life always turning around towards the best when times look bad. Ever since last spring, I get the best rewards for the worst experiences. And now, its not any different.

I cannot express just how beautiful and strange this world is. In the oddest places, at the strangest, yet most perfect, times, you can find, well, just the best that life has to offer. You find life-long friends, you find people who can make you smile with a simple glance, you find passion for hobbies, you find love for the arts, but most importantly, you find love for yourself. My life is grand, in the sense that I never know what to expect. But honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. Stability is nice, and sure, sometimes you get a little sick from going up and down on that roller coaster, but most times, you just raise your hands up high, with a smile on your face, and scream your head off.

There are many people I have to thank for my happiness right now. In the past year, I went through the biggest change so far in my life, and realized things that I never had seen too clearly before. I am well on my way to making myself a better person, a saner person at that. I no longer feel like my life is out of control, but I know, that in order to control life, I have to be able to control myself.

In the same way that life is complicated and full of surprises, it also is full of simple pleasures. I don't know how my life does it, but its an oxymoron of sorts, just simply complicated. But how I am loving it! Every second, every smile, every thought, every memory, every experience.

Now I find that I am in the middle of very depressing/depressed people. It's tough, to try to cheer them up, and tell them that there is something to look forward to. It's practically impossible to tell them to feel happy, because they are too hardheaded about their depression. I know, I use to be like that. All I can do, is pray and wish that their life turns for the better as soon as possible.

Well, I am just glad I have no more depressing blogs to write, or well, not as frequently written anyways. Now, I feel 20, I feel like, an adult, but still an innocent child at heart. Life is wonderful, my life is beautiful, and right now, I am seeing the world in rose-colored glasses. That's all I can say, and for now, that is all I need.

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG:
Even The Nights Are Better by Air Supply
&
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow by The Shirelles

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 2:16 AM

January 30, 2007

Concerning The "Myspace Bulletin"

We usually repost bulletins for others to reply to about how hot we are or how one feels about us, etc.; hoping that that one person we want to reply, would reply, and thus, confess to each other some mutual feelings.

Does it ever work? Never seems like it does. But we still do it anyways.

Waiting, and hoping, and wishing, and dreaming.

Its a little funny, how we are too shy to simply tell a person "I like you" or "I love you", yet we are all too eager to bulletin the deepest of secrets and offer ourselves up, vulnerable, for the world to see. We are offered security in the fact that its just another mass-produced bulletin. A template that anyone can fit into, and anyone can use. So we are just reposting because we don't want Bloody Mary to come at 12:12am and stab us with her knife, nor do we want our love lives to be ruined for the next 20 years. Of course, none of us believe that crap, but we use it as an excuse, because it's alot easier than saying "I am really posting this up because I want you to tell me I'm beautiful, that you like me, that you want a chance with me. Because I want us to start something wonderful, but I am too afraid to tell you, so I am giving you the chance to tell me."

It's tough. Waiting around for an answer. Hoping for his/her reply. Closing your eyes and wishing with all your might that its him/her as you click on "New Messages". Dreaming of the day.

And when that message is not there, we just post up something else.

Waiting, and hoping, and wishing, and dreaming.

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 6:37 PM

January 26, 2007

Random, Random, Random.

It's been awhile since I've written an "inspired by life" blog. Well, it's not as if I haven't been inspired by life recently, but I haven't felt the usual, pushing urge to write that goes along with such a muse. Well, I suppose that means I haven't been inspired enough. So what is this blog about? Nothing eye opening, that's for sure, just I guess a kind of warm up to the writing I have to do in the near future (goddamn essay is due next week!)

Eh, I shouldn't even post this up, its pointless. A waste of your time. Well, not so much as a waste of my time, seeing as I have still one hour to kill before my shift here at work ends. I should read for my classes, but I'm too lazy to write. I suppose I should use this time to update you on my life.

So, I'm single. Yayee. Well, this time around, it just doesn't bother me so much that I'm single. I'm actually quite enjoying it. Well, not so much enjoying, seeing that I am not having the social life I did last year, but I made a new year's resolution to go out more and have more fun. But then again, I am going out more! All my time is super occupied! I have my new, upcoming DJing career at KALX 90.7FM (the best radio station ever!! I dare say!!), I have my job at Unit One (being a security monitor which requires monitoring the security of our residents! LOL), the usual classes, and well, I think that's a pretty fulfilling life right there! Soon, I'll be active in the music scene once again!! I've been out of it for a while now, but now, all the bands I love are touring around the US. :(

Oh well. What I REALLY want to do this year, is make new friends! Like, okay, I do meet new people all the time, but I guess I never really found anyone that stuck to me. I guess I am anti-social, when it comes to strangers, its rare to find people I really do enjoy hanging out with. But I want fun people! People to come over to my place and I go over their's. People that I can call in the middle of the night, ask if there is a party going on, and they say "hellz yeah! it be a party here every night!". I have fun people like that in LA, but I want bay area people like that here!!!!

So I guess there is a message and point to this blog.

Do you want to be my neighbor?

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:54 AM

December 9, 2006

"You won't believe me if I tell you what I have in front of my eyes" -Blindness

CURRENT MOOD: Really Sad

There are many confessions people feel they have to make. Just as much as there are times, when one feels different, not normal; some even go as far as to say, insane. However, there is still about you, an air of rational conscious. Everyone has it. The characteristic which separates the "normal" from the "insane" is the willpower to follow that conscious. I am not calling myself insane, but I am not calling myself normal. I am human. I have human flaws. I make human mistakes. What I feel differs me from you, is that I don't learn from these human mistakes. I feel compelled to follow that unconscious Freudian desire. Yes, I feel different from you, because when I look in the mirror, I see a person I hate, a person I mistrust, a person who makes me cry simply because I know I am looking at myself.

I don't want to say you quite ever felt hopelessness like this. It is not a hopelessness, as if I had nothing to live for. It is more of a remorse for my future. For things that I will do, that I will regret, that I will hate myself for. For things that will become a part of my past, therefore, more a part of me. It is hopelessness because you know you will fall into the same cycle over and over again. That you are stuck in a rut that is imprinted in your genes.

You never questioned life like I have. To feel so bitter towards it. To really believe that this life is just a game; a big, pointless game. I try to imagine how other people can not feel this too. To think about birth, death, and the mindless wanderings that happen in between. How can I put myself, my conscious, outside of myself, look down, and see this girl, this socially labelled adult, who has no idea what she is doing. To see a life that really is worthless. Its not even a pity towards myself. Its not sympathy. Its not that I feel like I want to die. Its just seeing worthlessness.

I have a name, but sometimes that name doesn't seem to belong to me. Neither should this face belong to me. All that I feel I am, are the experiences; my experiences. I am my past. That is all I feel I am. I am my worst deed. I am my greatest failure. I am all the regrets that amass behind me; dragging along; holding me back.

I do feel obligation. I do feel pain. I do feel sorrow. I do feel loss. I feel envy. I feel pity. I feel love. I feel hate. I feel understanding. I feel hope. I feel shallow. I feel ugly. I feel tears running down my cheek. I feel the need to keep to myself. I feel the need to reach out to nothing & no one in particular. I feel anger. I feel guilt. I feel regret. I feel everything that you have felt.

The only thing I never felt,
The only thing I don't ever feel,
The only thing I will never feel,
Is human.

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Lilium by Kumiko Noma

Continue reading ""You won't believe me if I tell you what I have in front of my eyes" -Blindness"

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 5:38 AM

November 10, 2006

Dios dice que la gloria està en el cielo

CURRENT MOOD: Amazed

You have never seen such a sight as this. I don’t think such a sight was ever witnessed by man or woman. Leaving behind my little city, the city of Berkeley. Well, its not as if today was marked by any special kind of departure. But still, she found it appropriate to say a sweet farewell…

The inky sky bled across the land, into the sea. It was just a dark canvas with no concerns for division between any element of the earth. One could not tell the difference between the twinkling stars above from the twinkling city lights below; it was just a mixture of mini galaxies swirling and dancing. I could have sworn that I was flying through the depths of the universe.

The moon, at first, an undistinguishable orange pear-shaped fuzz. A shawl of clouds, looking like stretched out balls of cotton, was all that clothed her. Despite such an attempt, they couldn’t hide her naked beauty beneath, but instead caught her illuminous glow, or was it the sky, reflecting the light of the city? Each orange dot contributing its own to the hazy glow of the city, permeating the sky, and casting its own influence into the heavens.

But as we fly further into darkness, further away from the city, from civilization, the moon begins to hold her own. She slowly came into focus, her orange tinge fading away to a healthy golden tan; from a tangy orange slice to a sweet golden apple. She gradually shrugs off her cloak, and creates her own horizon as she casts a silver light upon the string of clouds below her, setting her apart from the rest of the world.

Her own space, her own kingdom to rule over, the stars above, her subjects, each assigned a piece of space. In their serfdom, a number of serfs, who happily orbit around their lords and ladies. Although each serf strong enough to carry along their mini solar system, still not loud enough to shine their own voice through the years between me and them.

Who would have ever known that such a structured hierarchy can hold so much beauty and peace? Everyone with individual purpose, but nonetheless part of the most beautiful language in all of history. A language unknown to man, but always written about. A language never heard, but always read, always spoken of.

Anyways, back to reality here, I am about to arrive to the airport, and thus concludes another nonsensical ranting of the world by a lone point of view. Back to Los Angeles, and what a welcome. There is so much difference between Berkeley and LA, but I love them both in their own unique mannerisms. Never can I compare the two, or hold one up against the other. Well, for once, at least, this trip home does not mark the end of another chapter in my life, but merely a rip in time, a break if you will.

I guess I can just call this the intermission.

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: La Gloria Eres Tù by Los Tres Ases

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:11 AM

October 30, 2006

Ladies & gentlemen, due to circumstances beyond our control,

we are unable to continue our broadcast of dance music. We shall continue now with our piano instrumental.

CURRENT MOOD: Overwhelmed

------------

i can't concentrate...

its not as if i can say its from a lack of trying...
okay, well, its that i haven't had the time to try

i tried to take a nap, because i was dead tired.... but i couldn't fall asleep.... no rest came to me, just a million worries and a million fears went running through my head.... i ended up getting out of bed more tired than i was when i laid down....

arriving at work... only a few footsteps away from my front door.... i settle down, spread out the books, then the flood of people came in... its one after another after another... massive swiping action sychronized with the responding to people from my italian class - IMing me for the subtitles to a movie we are watching in class - .... there is no rest... no end....

something is seriously wrong with me... but i dont want to blame my actions/behavior on a pre-exisiting mental disposition, nor on this persistant physical ailment i seem to have been experiencing lately... but i know... something is just not right with me... maybe its that stupid hotdog-rice-E-egg concoction i made for myself saturday morning....

stupid chicken hotdogs....
what the hell kind of a normal person eats CHICKEN hotdogs?!?!
what happened to the beef? or the pork?
or just good ol' fashioned pigeon with a little shoe tongue?!
(simpson reference)
but no... my roomie has to be some freakishly weird division of christian....
why they don't eat pig beats me...
makes no sense at all,
if you were to ask me....

anyways... i can't concentrate... i can't even get myself to look at the first word of the goddamn article...

i see in big bold, capitalized letters "DECONSTRUCTION"
but i can't get any further than that without some annoying resident walking in, card in hand, extended out towards me the minute they walk in the door, as if i had some superpower ability to stretch my arm to great lengths to meet their card, and then swipe it through the silly swiper machine, whom i have already dubbed mr. Swipee....

i must admit... the most annoying of these residents are the ones who don't even come prepared with card in hand.... they come to the booth, slam their book bag on the counter... and while my outreached hand stands idly by, they dig & dig & dig & dig into the deepest, darkest depths of their bag... until they realize the stupid card was in their back pocket all along....

i agree with the "i don't appreciate" board when it states the common SM loathing of large, heavy keychains attached in some self-made anus of the card i have to swipe...
for these people i gladly take my sweet time to slide the card through mr. swipee

and Kyle, dont get me started on Kyle...
that little headless, sorry excuse of a dummy sitting in front of me
with his green plaid shirt
and his weeding gloves
why a headless man needs gardening gloves
is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond me
recently...
-may it be a sadistic joke,
taunting the headlessness of a headless man,
or an action rooted in some good samaritans's pity
for the man without a head-
someone has sat upon Kyle's shoulders
a paper pumpkin
with a demonic smile
and laughing eyes

goddamn it Kyle
stop laughing at the sarcasm i treat these people to
they might see through the forced smile
the "thank you"s dripping with contempt
the careless, mechanized way i swipe these people's cards
and actually see a frustrated, tired girl
longing for the comfort of dreams

thirty minutes till break
there is no way in hell i am gonna get any work done at this pace
already as it is, i feel so tired,
i just want to fall asleep
and never wake up

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Hate by Cat Power

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 7:17 PM

August 22, 2006

And now, a special announcement from our sponsers...

CURRENT MOOD: Nostalgic

Hm, I know there is much that is needed to be written and told before I write the conclusion to another unpredictably life-changing adventure.... but some things, firstly, cannot be said for the protection of myself and others, and also, this chapter that must be told is one that deserves our patience... since its a tale that needs much attention and detail when writing it.... but it will be told in due time my friend, in due time....

but back to the matter at hand... not only are these hours my last when it comes to my stay in good ol' Los Angeles... but it is also the end to another phase in my life... but like all things, in death, is life reborn... and i certainly feel just that, reborn....

well, not reborn in the sense where my life will change drastically, but then again... will it? I mean, I am changing my act, just a bit... I admit, my life the past year was a wild & crazy one... I am was jaded... i think thought i am was untouchable.... that the rules of life, society, & so on needed not apply to me..... but oh, how I was wrong... but sometimes I think, was I really?

sure, the past year I learned so much about myself... especially in the past summer... but life is not life without having learned something new... and I know I come here to crap out all the morals of the story and such... but hey, its what I do best... and I try to grow from it, go with it

well, I wouldn't call it quite growing, but going back to my roots... my oh, so innocent roots.... back in the days where I proudly would shout on the rooftops I loved Nick Carter & Backstreet Boys were my number one favorite band... back in the days where I would listen to the radio, waiting for one hit wonders like "I'm Blue (da boo de)" by Eiffel 65, "Mambo #5" by Lou Bega, "Angel" by Shaggy, & "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon... and though you may barely recognize the song title and not ever had heard of the artist... those of you 90s kids would certainly be able to hum along as I play them in my head...

In those days, guys weren't that big of a deal, sex was gross, you closed your eyes when watching sex scenes in movies, drinking wasn't the only way to have fun at a party, & being "open-minded" wasn't the latest craze.... but Pogs were all you needed to be "cool" & have friends....

yes, in the days I thought I knew everything, where intellectual arguments consisted of who was better, backstreet boys or nsync? and all that jazz... the days I didn't have to deal w/ beliefs in darwin contradicting w/ beliefs in god & trying to find the grey area in between... where make-up and short skirts & getting that guy's attention wasn't so important... to be a kid... simple, ignorant, and not caring if someone was "smarter" than you and had more complicated "opinions" than you

knowledge = pain... and ignorance is bliss... i want to go back to the days I was ignorant, when I didn't have to know what the fuck was going on in the world, & voice political views on this and that, & all that shit adults do...

i want to be a kid again, and stop pretending to be this adult I am not

I didn't live a full childhood, and this summer proves it... so before I go on... I have to go back to the beginning, and stop trying to grow up so fast... to make up for what I have lost...

my mistake was being older than I really was... my mistake, was maturing a little to quickly, and thinking I could take on life by skipping the basics... so here I go, back to the beginning, trying to find out what needs to be fixed in me, trying to find out what it was I am missing that makes me the insanely jaded/callous person i am today

i am not unbreakable, i am not untouchable, i am not an exception... i care not about being so freaking "smart" about this and that... i care not about being "open-minded" and trying to see the million sides to everything.... i want to have morals again, i want to see right & wrong, I want to have black & white.... i am tired of all this greyness, of all this space in between...

so we'll see what this new year brings... oh berkeley, what will you teach me now? I feel ready for what you bring next.... with my love by my side, my family in the bleachers, & my friends in the dugout... just let me hit this one out of the park, and Los Angeles, I'll run home soon.....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Here's To The Night by Eve 6

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 3:17 AM

August 16, 2006

It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Fucking Deathwish

CURRENT MOOD: Uneasy

Here I am... unbelieveable isn't it? today, sitting in some random mexican restaurant in my hometown... one week before I go back to UC Berkeley... oh what a summer this has been... oh what a life this has been....

my stepdad, my mom, my 6 year old brother... we sit there wondering exactly what to order, knowing we couldn't afford it... but pretending we could anyways....

"Why did you take all that stuff that night?"

that question just hit me all of a sudden... a dangerous curveball from my stepdad... what he was talking about, hadn't exactly been clear to me, until he explained what he was talking about....

The pills, those little blue sleeping pills.... *sigh* I know that night would haunt me forever, and it was made clear by these parents of mine that this would follow me for the rest of my life.... Me, little miss perfect, was stuck in a psychiatric hospital because I tried to kill myself....

He wanted to know why I did it... I knew exactly why I did it

Because I was hopeless... absolutely and utterly hopeless... even today, a dark sense fills me, that makes my heart either beat a little too fast or a little too slow... but i didn't want to tell him, I didn't want to tell him about my years of downward spiraling depression... about my two previous half-hearted attempts at suicide which no one knew about... about my past dangerous addictions to cutting up my left wrists as not only a punishment to myself, but also a punishment to those who have hurt me... those bloody red lines were the only physical proof I had that those I loved had hurt me....

I didn't want to tell him all that, neither did I want to tell my mom that she was one of those people who pushed me to do such things..... I didn't want them to feel guilty for my disease... it wasn't entirely their fault

so i just stared at my hands on my lap... secretly holding my phone & trying to txt a way out of this conversation... my mom tried to break the conversation w/ some light-hearted comedy... that's what I got from her... when things get too serious, make a joke out of it, and everything is fine.....

its funny how little worries can satisfy your hunger... how was it that I could have been so hungry? then all of a sudden, even the thought of food seemed unbearable.... but i had to eat, or else they would know something was wrong with me

my hands couldn't stop shaking, i had the shivers.... how did the room get so cold all of a sudden? is that heartburn? what is that cold-burning feeling inside my chest?

i couldn't stop moving, i just wanted to get out of there, i just wanted to go.... where? i dont know... i needed someone to talk to

Money... what happens if i have to drop out of college... just the thought of money makes me want to jump off a 30 story building... i can't fail at life, i can't... i can't be the one stuck living at home working at some mediocre job... I can't be the one everyone expected to succeed, and end up living on the streets....

what the hell is wrong with me?! if i was just normal, if i had just my normal thoughts, if i had not this "beautiful" mind of mine... my life, would be, so much, easier......

what am i gonna do when it comes time to pay for housing, tuition, loans..... scholarship deadlines, job applications... how can a child be expected to tolerate such responsibilities??????

I am not an adult... sure, i look like one, sure, i dress like one, sure, i can party like one.... but in the end, my heart and mind is no older than 15.... i can't do this... i can't do this... i really can't do this...

then, there is love, my love.... as hopeful as i want to stay that one day we'll be together, how exactly will that work? a benny & joon kinda relationship... except i am the only insane one, the only one with a mental condition..... i love him... i can't bring him down with me... i cannot bring him down with me... i have to let him go, but my life would lose so much meaning if i let him go....

there goes those chills again... how is it that without a moment's notice my body can shake so violently.....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Mad World by Gary Jules

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 5:48 PM

August 8, 2006

Can I meet you alone? Another night, & I'll see you...

CURRENT MOOD: Amazed

well, i never thought it would come to this... but i am so glad it has... its unbelieveable how perfect he is, and how, i had that perfection... sure, i have always admired the angelic beauty of a particular someone from afar... but never had i tasted its heaven... its absolute bliss... even amongst burning buildings, tumbling walls, earth shattering cries, worlds falling.... its still just, perfect... i have often held my love as the most important thing in my life, but for once, i feel, like he holds me as the most important thing in his life....

its beautiful, the little things he does... the little smiles, the little kisses, the little glances... being held in his arms, like everything in the world faded away, and nothing else mattered... his love makes all the pain and suffering worth it... even in times of hopelessness & despair, it was all worth it... his love, for me... to say that, just to say he has complete love for me... and to believe it, to really believe it... no doubt, no suspicion of it being otherwise...

trust in itself is a very beautiful thing

how is it that i can feel so complete, though i am so obviously lacking so much in life... but i feel complete when i am with him

his voice brings a serene calm to my trembling body, like no other was able to do before... is he the one? perhaps... the fact that there is everything but nothing keeping us apart... makes the challenge even more.... more.... well, let us just say, he was worth the struggle

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: "As The World Falls Down" by David Bowie

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 5:00 PM

July 31, 2006

It had to be you

CURRENT MOOD: On top of the world, and beneath the Universe

well, if you're reading this, you most likely know that I am currently working on a story of sorts... hopefully this, unlike most "books" i try to start, actually gets completed... but before that is ever published on this site... i hope my most recent muse doesn't mind, that i put down in words, how wonderful life is... now he is in the world....

its funny, how the many love songs i listen to can mold themselves to fit my current situation... of course, never fit perfectly (rarely they do) but nonetheless, they are songs that never seemed to have been more true than in the now

*ahem* well, my most current romance, for the first time... is not one of unrequited love, love abandoned, and just to sum it up... the guy is genuinely NOT a jerk

no... the reason why i feel the little pain i feel now, is because honestly, the world is against us.... its not quite a story like that of romeo & juliet, not so much like cinderella as it is a bit of sleeping beauty... its a mixture of all fairy tales ever told, with a modern twist... & we are still unsure of its ending.... sure, you may think that i am inflating the magnitude of this romance a little bit... but you have no idea, unless you actually were to know of what happened, of what is happening now

our feelings for one another are unsure... well, we know there are feelings... very strong ones, but on his side, he doesn't quite know whether or not its love... i know my side is love, i can so easily fall in love thanks to years of experience... but this being his first time really being involved with a species of the opposite sex, yeah... he is still unsure, but sure that he deeply cares for me...

okay, this blog is not with the intention of explaining my situation, just to relieve some burdening thoughts and feelings, to find a brief mode of escape from my shaking hands, clenched heart, dreamy state of mind... and all the other physical maladies overtaking me

I miss him, I love him, and yet, through all this, though i probably can never see him again for the next two years, i still feel like the luckiest person alive to have had the little time i had with him... of course, plenty of guys made me feel like i would go to the ends of the earth for them... but with this one, i know i don't have to... and best of all, i have complete trust in him.... complete...

you have no idea how big of deal that is for me... i have complete, trust.... i don't have the smallest doubt that he will/is cheat/ing on me.... i believe him when he says he cares for me... i believe him when he explains anything to me... i just have complete trust

out of all the loves in my life, he came in as the biggest surprise... right down to the day i told him i loved him... he was the biggest surprise.... i had NO idea things would get this far, i had NO idea things would turn out like this....

well, thought interrupted due to unavoidable circumstances... but before I go... let me tell you

i do not regret a single thing besides the fact I was caught.... and this story will be told, for many, many years to come...

no doubt about that

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Unintended by Muse

Click the link below to see the lyrics to today's blog song

Continue reading "It had to be you"

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:49 PM

June 7, 2006

California rest in peace

CURRENT MOOD: Appreciative

What is love? The other day, for a brief second in an online conversation with a friend, it was mentioned that my capability to love so easily, was enviable, while he was incapable to do such a thing

Of course, I think he believed there was double meaning when I mentioned that its not my fault he cannot love, when I have tried.... but the love that I tried to show him was not something to do with boyfriends, and romance, and hugs, and kisses. No, the love I spoke of at that moment, is more an appreciation for the world, and all the little things in it.

So, what is love?

Love is watching a movie, and being lost in its every moment. Feeling the pain & joy of every character and resounding every scene in your heart. Experiencing absolute ecstasy as your eyes get a taste of a beautiful world were everything falls in sync, no matter how unpredictable it is. Just pure enjoyment of fascinating characters you wish so badly to know, characters that leave you breathless. Characters you fall asleep to, wondering of the many adventures you could have with them.

Love is reading a book, and not being able to put it down. Living through the adventures you see before you, painted with words. Actually laughing with joy at every triumph, gasping in sorrow at every tragedy, and smiling with satisfaction as you reread the last paragraph to relive you amazement at such a story unfolded.

Love is listening to music, and being lost within its melody. Having the compassion to seek out songs that speak to your soul. When you feel so low, you listen to the songs that speak so dearly to your loss. When you at such a high, you blast on Lou Bega, Michael Jackson, Backstreet Boys, or a number of any other pop bands. Then in the spur of the moment you sing to your reflection in the mirror and dance around in your underwear, tube socks, sunglasses, and a starched white shirt. And when you come across that song that syncs up so well with every unexplainable emotion in your body, you are to the brim with tears as you ride out every tune, every word, & every beat knowing that if your heart had a voice, this is what it would say.

Love is being at the cliff-side of the world, with all the beauty of the city before your eyes. And through the visual flood, only appreciating the splendor of a single object, finding in that single object, everything and nothing of your world. Revealing that objects insignificance and meaning, its short-lived life and immortality, its connection to the world and the solitude of being one of a kind. Noting in all this, that this very object is the very toothpick holding the world together.

Love is basking in the glow of a hot summers day in nothing but shorts and a muscle shirt. Riding your bike along side the LA river and losing all attachment to the human world around you, yet being integrated with the city itself, knowing you are just a blade of grass. Being aware of the warm breeze whoosing through your hair as you pedal your fifth mile, sensing the oncoming stiffness that comes with sitting on a bicycle seat for more than an hour, drifting down a hill as gravity & inertia pulls you faster and faster, and pushing yourself & putting all your energy into going back up.

Love is creativity with words, images, sounds, tastes, and touch. People mistake love as something found in other human beings. But the truth of the matter, is that the reason we mistake love as something shared between two people is that we do not experience this plethora of emotion until you find it in someone. Until you found in someone a reason to be happy, then you see the world as I see it every day. Nevertheless, that is NOT the way the world should love.

Love is finding beauty and passion in everything you do. You cannot share it with someone, you experience it, and pass it on. You can find it in yourself to actually relate to everything around you without having to wait to use some significant other as an excuse. In this, you find undying love, because the love you cherish isn't something given to you, isn't something that can be taken away. It is something that defines you as a person, and as a puzzle piece in this vast universe.

Love before giving it away, THAT is the way things should be done.....because how can you give your heart to someone, if you had not one in the first place?

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Dani California by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:56 AM

June 3, 2006

a blade of grass in a field of green

CURRENT MOOD: Frustrated

frustration is not fun... when it seems like the whole world is closing in on you & everyone is at war... but you're the only one fighting your side... some people are just able to look at the situation at hand, remark with some comment that it is bad, and move on their merry way... some people sit on the pavement with tears streaming & wonder, why me?, in silence... some people are loud, write blogs, tell friends, scream and shout because she is an artist. she wants to paint pictures the best way she can, she wants to throw her tears on canvas, she wants to ruin her life and say "Here mom, look what you've gone and made me do"

Some people think it's easy being me, it's easy to get out of a tough jam, its easy to accept that your family is broken, and nothing you can do to fix it... This morning I was having the time of my life, visiting old teachers I once had, talking to students about the wonders of going to college... every teacher was so proud of me, every teacher was so amazed that I made it through, they were all smiles & hugs... & I was on top of the world

Some of you might not be able to see why I am so frustrated... and with all honesty, sometimes I feel like I shouldn't bother people with my rantings... I've always didn't like being a burden... I don't like brussel sprouts either

Sleep makes the monsters go away... not long after you wake up do you realize your situation, but sleep makes the monsters go away... & ur in your home, all alone, everyone is asleep in their beds, and you have the night to hide in, to dance in, to take midnight strolls with strangers.... I need myself a new stranger... I need myself a new family.. but besides all that, I need to say:

Life. I've learned nothing about it, and no one can get it down to words. If you were to try to describe it, then you are ignoring all other aspects people have encountered through Life. There is no end, an infinity of definitions to Life, & it would be an injustice to try to explain it, to try to figure it out. It's an insult to say, I know what Life is all about. Why? Because you don't know what Life is all about. Do you know what my Life is all about? Cause that too is Life. Do you know what Mr. guy who flips your hamburgers' Life is all about? Do you know what your neighbor's Life is all about? You can't even say what your life is all about. Because you can have childish philosophies about how you seen this and seen that, & this is what you came up with. So you think its true? Try putting that philosophy to the test to someone in India, someone in Asia, someone next door. Will it apply? Maybe. Will it still hold true? Of course not.

Life, in a millionth of a fraction, is irony. It is, in a millionth of a fraction, truth and lies. For people to be selfish enough to put their definition of Life, to put their theories on Life, to put their philosophies of Life, at the center and say "THIS, my friends, is life." How can you say that? When that over there too is Life? When in another place it is Life? When in another time, it was Life? In the future, it is still Life. THIS, some single soul in the middle of all the universe, is not Life. This alone, is not Life, your aspect alone, is not Life. It is to multiply that, to say everyone has the center of Life, to give everyone a piece of the puzzle to fit in. Unspeakable. Life.

In such a universal view, it can be tough to cope with how small one person is in the world. How alone one person is in the world. So people carve out homes, families, friends, personalities, talents for something to hold on to. Attachments, a place in Life. And as in our nature to be human beings, we try to figure out Life, we try to contain it in some neatly wrapped box to show our friends and families....

To be opinionated is to be ignorant. To have a side in something is to ignore everything against you. It's even to ignore everything that is not even in topic.

In truth, well I cannot speak for truth herself, but in this instance, in this space (okay, well obviously not in the instance and space when you read this blog, because that altogether is another truth)... hm... this is getting tricky here.... In the circumstance I write this sentence, the truth is that I am not the center of it all, I am not even at the center of myself, I am merely a single fiber of the blanket. And there's you, and there's the car he drives, and there's her hairdresser's daughter's son. We are multiple centers of Life, of truth. Because no matter how much I write, no matter how good I write, you can never see my truth, my Life, or else it wouldn't be mine. This is true just as much as I cannot see your truth, your Life. Because to say that I am you to have seen that would mean that I wouldn't be me. What I am trying to say here is that even if we stand right next to each other and look at the same picture, we are still not seeing the same "truth"... we are still not living the same Life, we aren't even looking at the same picture...

I sit here feeling alot more comfortable that my life, isn't all of Life. I feel more at peace to know, that this is nothing and something, that those yells and screams, that my feelings and love, that my everything, is nothing, and something... I like staring at my wall and thinking all the mistakes i've made is nothing... of course its something to someone... but to Life, it is only a millionth of a fraction

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 4:37 AM

June 2, 2006

you'll be sorry

CURRENT MOOD: Homicidal

i hate you, and i hate you, and i hate you... i dont care who any of you are... point is, I HATE ALL OF YOU!

here i was, write a stupid blog about crap in my life... and i came to realize, thanks to talking to a dear friend some random person on AIM, that nobody cares... why the hell would anyone care about my sappy stories and my pathetic life? all i am to be told by these people is that "oh i understand, cause my life is blah blah blah" or "well why dont you do something about it"

i dont know what i expect people to say when i say the things i wanted to say... i just wanted people to read it, take it in, and just listen.... no advice, no replies... just listen, then, tell me you love me, tell me that YOU care about me... and that i should live to see another day because you want to see me tomorrow

but i am just fooling myself, i am just fooling the world... no one gives a shit about anyone else but themselves... and here i am being told that i should give a shit about myself, and love myself... FUCK THAT... people do too much damn self loving everyday... yes, masterbation is the answer to world fucking peace

and after people pretend to care a little, they disappear, until you have another mental breakdown, then they come back and say "oh, i understand cause I blah blah blah"

sometimes i fantasize about my death... not because i want to die like some emo crybaby... because i hope that the day that happens, people will realize how much i mean to them... because people don't realize what they have until they lose it... i want to be lost, so that people will show up to my funeral, and i can finally see tears cried for me, i can hear people whisper "i love you" to me, i can finally have the world in silence, and listen to me

if you go, you'll be sorry... i'll be sure that you're all sorry

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Ballad Of A Paralysed Citizen by The Faint

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:36 AM

May 7, 2006

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

CURRENT MOOD: Insightful

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-- Alexander Pope

At this point in time, and this will be a condition that will last some time, I can not be in any serious relationship. Why? Because a serious relationship creates too many complications that I am not ready to deal with. I have realized I've become better at some things, and that I can trust another person. But I am still needy, and that's bad. I am still doubtful, not about the actions of the other, but moreso, my own actions. I still think I am not worth a damn, and when the time comes, that I can be easily given up. And when that happens, my emotions go haywire.

The difference this time, is I have no right to go haywire, and with my difficult position, it is actually helping with the coping of some... um, "issues" I usually had in the past.

Today's lesson: learning to give up. I have a very hard time letting things go, even when I know it's for the best. I hate change, because, there is always a chance that things will be worse then how they were before. In two weeks, I'll be gone. And things will change, for better, or for worse. I need to realize, that everything is not in my control, and sometimes, I have to let things take their course. I have to learn to cherish what I had, and move on from there. I know I shouldn't be allowing these false pretenses to keep up some delusional hope/dream, and it's killing me that the soft pinks and bright blues are dying with the sun, beyond the horizon, but I have to be strong.

I have somewhere else to be, and I need to learn to love myself. The hardest part, is making up my mind, and not turning back. To walk on without looking back. Without running back. Who knows if these roads might cross again, honestly, I hope they do. But, I admit, this time around, its a little easier letting go. I guess because it was the lack of "seriousness" and that I kept being brought down to earth... at least this time, my face did not fall flat on the floor, but I've been able to land on my feet.

I have enjoyed my first year here at Berkeley, and hopefully I've made some long lasting friends. For now, I have to learn to make my heart my home. I can not find comfort in others, because of the possibility that you will not wake up next to _______ the following morning. You can not find a place in any geographical location, because you can easily be uprooted and thrown somewhere else. You can not find hope in dreams, because your dreams can easily be taken away by any outside entity.

If I learn to love who I am, the thoughts I think, and the actions I take... then I would no longer have the need to please others. I have a horrible habit of giving the world and more to those I care deeply about. It's not that I need to change that, it's that I need to stop falling for others so easily.

I hope things work out for me, and I hope I don't spend the next two weeks staying up till 7am, crying on & off, listening to sad songs and wondering if life will ever be "right" for me.

I just want to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let go.


"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders" --Nietzsche

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Delicate by Damien Rice

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 4:41 AM

April 24, 2006

confusion just adds fuel to the blaze

CURRENT MOOD: Intuitive?

"There were alot of people here today. Is there like some two-for-one special going on today?"~me

that was how today's therapy session started... today, there were more people than usual at the insert name of place, where i now go to 2 times a wk for my sessions... at this point, quite a number of things have been revealed to my therapist, and a unique kind of bond has been formed between us, i would like to think... of course a few wks ago i mistaken this bond as something of the romantic sort, but after somewhat revealing my feelings in a txt message, and a session dedicated to the topic of our stance, i realized that wasn't the case.... after going into a few details of my current relationship interactions with a particular person, and describing "how it made me feel"... he stated from time to time he's feelings for me... NO, not the romantic kind... but more, the "i am worried about you" kind... that is exactly what he said, that he was worried about me....

intuition is something I do not trust in, or at least, i do not trust in my intuition about things, especially when it comes to romance..... today, i told him about my complicated situation, there were things "Guy" (i rather not reveal his name at this point) was doing that i was not comfortable with... but of course, since i am not his g/f per se (though intimately involved with) i feel as if i have no right whatsoever to voice out "girlfriend-ish" concerns... at this statement, my therapist to my surprise, exclaimed, "NO!".... a long bout of silence... at times he went to explain he felt protective of me, urging me to trust my instincts and that he was worried that i would fall into the downward spiral i've been caught in before....

it's nice for someone to worry about you... it really is...

"well, it's normal to have these feelings for people. It's okay that you want to know what is going on in "Guy's" life, and that you want to know what's going on, even though you're not his g/f... because everyone feels that for someone at one point" ~therapist

"yeah, but people are hypocrites, and they dont want to recognize it. He'll just see me as the "obsessive" g/f who is not even his g/f. Just like my ex, he saw me as the psychotic g/f, as did everyone else. I try to see from all perspectives, and not be judgemental, but not all people do that." ~me

*pause*

"well, our time is up for today.... is insert time here on Thursday good for you?"

"yeah"

"okay, see you thursday"

"see you thursday"

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: I Found A Reason by Cat Power

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:34 PM

April 17, 2006

per i tuoi occhi solamente

CURRENT MOOD: missing you

mi manchi.... mi manchi tanto.... c'è nessuno che amo quanto te... ma non lo saprai mai perchè non voglio rovinare la nostra amicizia intima... sì... solamente una amicizia... per quando chiudi la porta, abbiamo qualcosina più.... diventiamo gli amanti.... spero che pensa di me con affetto.... pregerò per il giorno che ti rendi conto dello tuo amore per me... per il giorno ci innamoriamo...... ma non succederà.... possibile? cos'è possibile per noi? non lo so... ma sarò con te sempre.... sei un amico più carino che ci sia... sei un amantore più gentile che ci sia..... il mio tesoro, prima che mi addormenti con sogni d'oro di tu... devo dire che sei il pi cosa meravigliosa mi succedere mai.... senza di te, non so come avrei sopravvivere.... grazie a te, sono contenta

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Where Did Our Love Go? by Softcell

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 3:17 AM

April 12, 2006

un veritiero modo di parlare (a myspace blog)

CURRENT MOOD: Satisfied

Revenge has never appeared to be so sweet....

Zaidy.... well, well, well! I see my plan has worked accordingly... FIRST, let me explain a bit... I found it just a teensy bit odd that a particular individual by the name of Piper has been checking my profile at least once everyday at approx. 9am my time (probably 12pm your time)... at the first day, i gave it no notice, thinking it was some other random person checking my stats...

(PROMOTIONAL PLUG IN!!! go visit Who's On My Page to find out how to check who is looking at your profile!!)

but after the 4th or 5th time this has happened, I began to wonder.... who could this be?! well, well, well... putting two and two together, I came to realize that it was YOU indeed. Now, I wonder what it is about my profile that intrigued you so!! I should hope that its not that you have a crush on me or anything (for that would make things VERY awkward), but perhaps, like the obsessive girlfriend I was some time ago, (my therapist and I are slowly but surely fixing that) that you felt as if Brian wasn't being as true as you were hoping he was... that you would find the teensy-est bit of evidence to justify a break-up... I mean, come on... trying to survive a long distance relationship with oh-so many juicy options right on your doorstep, I am sure, is devastating...

but of course I did make Brian a promise never to say a word... well, promise kept Mr. Semmler... but someone has to teach him a lesson, not to fuck with a girl's heart, ANY girl's heart... so me being the revengeful ex I was, I justified my previous blog (knowing you would read it Zaidy) with the fact that at one point last year I did waste many nights crying and mourning over him... (besides, it served the dual purpose to give girls hope that guys who made you feel like shit, do get what they deserve eventually, since many of my friends were going through a similar experience as I had many months ago.....) he made my life a living hell, so I just had to return the favor... I am sorry Zaidy for using you as some sort of chess piece in this game of vendetta... but I am sure even YOU must admit, he had it coming... every JERK in this goddamn world deserves a little pain now and then, and what better way to hit him then right in the goddamn balls....

First, I take away his weapons... both of them.... (Sin City)

So with all that said and done, I must tell you I did not do this with an intention to ruin your life, but to ruin his... and in reality, possibly better you life... because every girl's life is better once her "man" is gone... I hope you found your peace... I hope both my blogs found you well... and I hope that little son of a bitch is crying a river

Ladies... we should not be creating rivalries against each other, but rather stand up together and hurt the fuckers who are the real reason we get hurt time & time again... because life has never been better, once they're gone!!

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Cell Block Tango from the movie Chicago

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:25 AM

April 10, 2006

sono cercare di conseguire la mia vendetta solomente... (a myspace blog)

CURRENT MOOD: Revengeful

THIS BLOG IS DEDICATED TO: the few whom, in the past few days, had their tears shed for losers, good-for-nothings, slobs, & jerks... this is proof that what goes around DOES come around... and they will get what's coming to them... you know I am always here to help you plot your vendetta... ^_^

well now.... look who comes crawling back... lol, isn't karma just the greatest thing in the world... for years, my tears have been shed for losers... literally, losers... my ex-s & flings... now & always, losers... i have mentioned many times before how songs seem to magically appear (or reappear in this case) in my life according to relevance.... well, listening to this song "Cry Me A River" by Julie London reminds me of a few events that has happened w/in the past few wks...

the first instance was of course my ex in LA... he calls from time to time, "checking up on me" & seeing how I am doing... funny thing is, i suppose he expects me to be doing horribly, because when I tell him of the great time I am having (partying with friends, on & off dates, etc. etc) he goes beserk on me! calling me a whore for not staying on rebound & getting over him so easily... well, in the words of my friend sandra "COME MIERDA!!" ... lol ( i am so buying you that shirt one day sandra!) ....so I got over him, so what? Cry me a river, cause I cried a river over you....

then, SURPRISE SURPRISE, another ex ends up contacting me sporadically over time... of course names will not be mentioned because of his obsessive ex (or g/f or whatever, i have no idea what is going on between them two) .... last i knew, he said they were just taking a break, and she was still faithful towards him... lol, BS (hahaha, what a pun!!!)...... i was shocked over the V-day wishes, and then a seemingly random correspondence some time after, but the way he is living his life (or really the way the g/f is living his life) just pissed me off... so *BLOCK* why do i want to waste my time w/ a "friend" who wants to keep our friendship a secret in fear of this g/f.... ??? idk, but that too is a load of BS.... hahaha Well You Can Cry Me A River... like I care about keeping secrets & a "friendship" i really no longer care about...

then, last, but not least, some guy who blew me off some time ago... haven't really spoken to him in a while, but outta no where, he shows up with a stare & a smile, inviting me to some frat party of his (which i ended not going to for having better things to do w/ my time)... i admit, he is well off right now, and in all honestly, i dont blame him for our losing contact... but it seems he is just trying to get things together... we'll see what happens next...

well, all these guys (ok, minus the last one... kinda ) are losers... and allow me to elaborate... both live w/ their parents, one still doesn't have a job while the other has a lame excuse for a job... one is ruled by drugs, alcohol & depression, while the other is ruled by a tyrannical overlord.... overall, I am so much better off without them... my life has never been better, honestly... but i cannot say that without thanking a few of those friends who really turned my life topsy turvy, and made sure to keep it that way..... i hope this finds you all well, and for those of you who doubt the fact that those who hurt you will get their share..... let me tell ya, later on, they will cry a river over you.... ^_^

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Cry Me A River by Julie London

click the link below for the lyrics to this blog's song

Continue reading " sono cercare di conseguire la mia vendetta solomente... (a myspace blog)"

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:49 PM

April 1, 2006

*sings* can you feel the loooooooove tonight!

CURRENT MOOD: Peaceful

wowzers........spring break was GREAT!!!!!!! it was not filled with girls in bikinis, crazy drunken parties, one night stands, and as my rhetoric teacher suggested, jello shots......... but instead it was filled with newfound connections, old friends, good times, and, a different sense of the world........back in LA, things happened that need not to be discussed w/ no one else but my therapist (its not that it was horrible... just i its personal) but going to LA opened my eyes to a different kind of world i forgot existed.....with protests, walk outs, and family dilemmas, no one could have gone through that without having to think just a little...... and my trip to new york.......*sigh* my trip to new york....... not one bit of it was flawed, every moment was perfect, and so much better than what i had imagined.... of course the plane ride there was unbearable, sitting still in a seat for 5 hours straight is impossible, even w/ the help of the television...... but when i landed, it was just so strange..... i had no idea where i was, and what to do.... so new york was a place of basic instincts and logic, for once, i followed basic instincts and logic..... my friend arrived, and i got the biggest hug from him... we were obviously very excited at the fact that for the next few days we were gonna have new york to ourselves...... to myself...... so i did new york.... him and i went to the promenade in brooklyn at night a few times (a very romantic, {not meant in a couple b/f & g/f kinda sense but as a storybook fairytale sense} and beautiful view of new york as a whole), we went on the staten island ferry for an up close and personal view of the statue of liberty, we walked landmarks such as the brooklyn bridge, central park, trump tower, times square, broadway, coney island, little italy, chinatown, little russia, etc., etc..... but most importantly, i saw a side of new york very few tourists get to experience, my friend's point of view... i saw his hometown, where he grew up..... a funny jewish community with funny people dressed in black (not ur average goth!).... i even saw his high school teachers and just all the wonders of brooklyn from a new yorkers perspective....... i took loads of pics, only three include me (unless you count the pics my friend took feat. our feet and shadow)......... even the hostel i stayed in was wonderful! it was clean, nice, and i stayed with some awesome people! all girls travelling on their own from places like australia, canada, and even singapore!!! i sang kareoke for 2 hours at 2am, i ate knish and baklava, i was shoved by a new yorker down times square, i rode the subway and got lost (kinda), i was romanced by italians down the street, i took a stroll on the beach (and now have my own bottle of atlantic water), i had a slice of good ol' NY pizza w/ anchovies (YUM!!), but most importantly, i had a vacation, no worries, no regrets, no what ifs, no second thoughts, no doubts, no frowns, no tears (ok, a few tears, but soon followed by a hug and smile)............. it was lovely, it was splendid, it was the experience of a lifetime....... i love new york.... and i wouldn't be surprised if that was my nxt destination of address....... but it wasn't the sights and sounds that make the journey so wonderful........ honestly, if it hadn't been for my friend, i dont think i would have had as good of a time as i did..... lovely weather followed me where i went, and even the sun here in berkeley is shining brightly for my return.... i wished i didn't have to leave, and my friend and i honestly contemplated me staying for a while longer (unfortunately he was going upstate w/ some friends, and his friends said there was no room for me)...... but its okay, i had my time, and i wouldn't have asked for anything more...... *sigh* i've been to a place, where blue birds fly............

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: A Whole New World from the Disney movie Aladdin

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:58 PM

March 15, 2006

a minor melody of sorts.....

CURRENT MOOD: In bleak december

*gasp*!!!!!!!!! this was the very thing i have been trying to avoid!! a talk with the therapist did not make this feeling any better!! i just lost another one...... i was so happy, again...... he was just so wonderful in every way, and this time, even if he reads this, I really dont care, because i fucked things up again.....

it will always haunt me, the ghost of you...... and i am going to get a MILLION people telling me (maybe he'll even chime in) that I am a wonderful girl, i am beautiful, that i will find someone........ that, i will find someone........ the fucking exterior is so tempting! and once you delve into it, he runs..... at the end of the world, what is the last thing i see? you are never coming home..... but you are right about one thing, you never said you would lie, & wait forever..... if i was more sane, would we be together?....you can forget me.....i can try to forget you.......imagine.... all of the smiles, that are ever gonna haunt me......

and you see, everything is right where it belongs.... i feel so alone, again...... a child.... that's what i am, a lost childhood, innocence forced to grow up too fast..... a child, not sure what side of the glass i am on..... and what if, everything i know is an elaborate dream? is this reflection i am looking at, everything i want to be? ....hell, i know i am afraid to see....

i just wanted a simple kind of life.......all i wanted was a simple kind of life......but i'm driven to insanity again......by what? a fear of falling in love? a fear of loss? a fear of a relationship getting to serious? a fear of not being not only in love, but obsessed, with a friendship that no one else could touch? yes, no one else could touch...... i am very ashamed, of how mean i've been to him, i have no idea how it got to this point.... he came along, and now i am hunting him down.... i just bursted open on him.... i just called & whined & bitched, saying everything and nothing........

hallelujah.... no, its not praise, nor a call of joy..... hallelujah.... a sad minor tone this word rings with..... and so i have been here before, i've seen this room, i've walked this floor.... and i've been alone before i knew him.... love, not a victory march, its a cold & it's a broken hallelujah..... nothing can express this pain & heartache more than hallelujah.... maybe, god is above, but all i have ever learned of love, is how to shoot somebody who overdrew you.... that's what i do, i shoot him in the heart, before he shoots me in mine..... i push, before i am pushed, so that i can blame abandonment on myself........ its not a cry you hear at night, it's not somebody whose seen the light.... it is still a cold & broken hallelujah.....

yes, the reason why i am so sad, just sad, is that i know i am not a perfect person....and there are so many things i wish i didn't do.....but i continue to learn....and i never meant to do those things to him!!! i just wanted to tell him, just tell him before i go....that i found a reason, to change who i use to be, a reason to start over......and that reason.......that reason...... i hated that i hurted him in so many ways, that i must live with everyday....... i wish i can be the one to catch his tears.... to be his one, that he turns to.... to be his reason..... he is my reason to start over new......

this is a mad world i live in........ my own mad little world, filled with so many worn out faces..... sometimes, it seems like i am going no where.... and i try to have no expression, just hide my head, drown my sorrow....wishing there really was no tomorrow...... hoping there wasn't another day i have to face myself, my flaws......and i feel the way every child should, only problem, is that i am not a child, i am suppose to be an adult.....no one knows me, they all see right through me....it's kinda funny, but also kind of sad, that the dreams in which i am dying, are the best i've ever had.......

all i have ever caused, is trouble......i am caught in this spiderweb that i have woven around my life...... all these stupid things i have said to him..... i dont even know what i mean anymore, i dont even know what is running through my head...... its my spiderweb, and i am caught in the middle....... yes, i have thought of all the stupid things i've done..... but i swore to him, that i never meant to cause him trouble, i never mean to do him wrong..... i never meant, to do any harm, to anyone........

i still do care for him very much.... i know i am not ready for this, going back to this kind of a relationship again...... i thought i would be ready for this, i really thought it would work out this time... i really dont want to leave him, even though i have to... i really dont want to love him.....do i still do? ... i need some time to find myself, my wants, my needs....but i dont want to be alone.... i dont want to live with this..... can i still die my way? can i still pray my own way? without having to leave you, but oh, how i still need you..... am i ready for this? did i even think how it would be? did i think how the future would be? yes, i did, but obviously, i am not very good at such things.....

and so, this is my song...... i have sensed something in the wind, that felt like tragedy is at hand... i wish i can just be with him, stand by him... but i can't shake this awful feeling that i have, this feeling that i am about to do something wrong.... the worst is just around the bend.... and does he notice, my feelings for him? ....even when he sees, how much he means to me, i know, that we are not meant to be together..... so what will become of my dear friend? or our dear friendship? or what little we had.... where will my actions lead us then? ......try as I may, this pretending of happiness and joy of our current terms of agreement will not last......... will we ever, end up together? .......no, i think not, it's never to become, because i am not the one......

i am just overwhelmed with these emotions, taking me over.... yes... over... whatever him and I had is over and done, but the heartache still lives within me... and all i can wonder, is who he is clinging to tonight, instead of me..... where is he now that i need him? not even aware of all the tears i've shed for him, lying on my pillow.... but he will never see it, he will never be able to see me fall apart.... don't worry, once again, like always, its emotions taking me over... caught up in my imagined sorrow.... lost in these songs..... and it seems, that if he doesn't come back home to me, there will be no body left in this world to hold me tight, nobody left to kiss me goodnight... all i wanted, was just a good night....

these tiny vessels swelling up to the brim with tears.... all from the moment that he told me that he doesn't feel any attraction towards me, i wish he would love me, but he doesn't..... those times he touched my skin, all those times, he just thought that i was beautiful, but i didn't mean a thing to him..... i spent two weeks in absolute bliss with him.... i was his girl with the light brown streaks.... i am beautiful, but i dont mean a thing to him.... i want him to believe in all the words that i was speaking as we moved together in the dark.... there are all those friends i wasn't telling, all the playful misreadings, that now leaves a mark..... everything that oozes into my heart, my joy, now forming bruises, that i didn't want to fade, but they did.... and so did he that day....overhead, there are dark grey clouds, raining....pouring......and when i asked him, if something was wrong.... he said, "your damn right there is, but we cant talk about it now"...no, we can't talk about it now..... so i am now entitled to once last touch, and then he'll go, and we will pretend that it meant something so much more.... but it will be vile, it will be cheap.....so what if i am beautiful? when i dont mean a thing to him....

i just hope he will think of me.... think of me fondly, when we say goodbye... i hope he would think of me, once in a while.... and i would make him promise, that at least, he would try..... when i give him back that moment, where he can take his heart, and be free, if he were to ever find a moment in his life, to stop and think of me, i woudl be just so grateful......... no one said our little romance was evergreen, or that it would be as unchanging as the sea, but i dont want him to forget.... just remember me..... think of all the things we have shared and seen together, dont think of the things that might have been.... think of me waking......silent, resigned..... imagine my life without you, trying so hard to put you out of my mind...... recall those wonderful days, think of all those times, think of the things we will never do.....because there will never be a day, when i wont think of you....

it doesn't take the scientist to figure out what has to happen next....when you come up to me, just chill....let me tell you that i am sorry, let me tell you, just how lovely you are.....because you really dont know how lovely you are..... i had to find you to make my life complete, and to realize things i have never seen before (but i wont tell you how much i need you now)..... i have set you apart, from everyone else, because he really is one of a kind.... tell me your secrets, ask me your questions, so that we can redeem what little friendship we have left....oh, please, let us go back to the start.... all this running in circles is getting me dizzy.........*sigh* nobody said this would be easy, it really is such a shame for us to part.... but nobody said it would be this hard.... all i wanted to do, was go back to the start.... nothing can speak louder than my heart! tell me, that you love me, just come back and haunt me, i want to rush back to the start.... let's just go back to the start.....

for me, it is just too late to turn back..... i wish i can just keep you all to myself, i want to just take you away from everyone, and stash you under my pillow... so that i can take you out, whenever i need you, but it's too late now..... for me to change the way i feel about you... these emotions, these thoughts in my head, is just too real now....and your fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze..... this romance has stained me, and i am holding onto what little we have left... your resonance & memories still glitter colorfully from what you left behind.... and of course you have to leave my clutch, nothing from me, is enough to leave a dent in you.... these feelings will never fade, but in time, this will end and there really isn't hope for the two of us....

i hope you just don't speak.... of how you and me use to be together everyday, of how i am losing my best friend, because i can't believe that this could be the end.... it looks as though you are letting go of me... and if this is so, let me know! oh, but i wish you wouldn't speak, i already know what you are trying to say, so for the sake of my heart, stop explaining your reasons for leaving...dont tell me, because this hurts..... as we die, both you and i, i sit with my head in my hands, & cry..... it's all ended, so we have to soon stop pretending who we are....what are we?

this is a very wicked game you are playing with me....when i first met you, my world was on fire, and no one could have saved me but you..... its very strange what desire would make foolish people like me do.... never have i dreamed that i would find somebody like you, never have i dreamed that i would need somebody like you........ i never wanted to fall in love again... because this world would just break my heart...... but then again, i really do want to fall in love with you.... but then again, i never dreamt that i would lose somebody like you....

and here is my final lament.........

there are very few who would deny, that in what i do, i am the best.... for my talents are renowned far and wide...... i usually excel at many things, without even trying..... and many would think, that my beauty is wonderous above all.....(though i honestly dont think so) and yes, i do have my times where it would seem as though i am quite the extraordinary person...but year after year, it comes down to the same old routine, and i've grown so weary, to people leaving me alone..... i have grown so tired, of all these same old things.........*sigh*........... somewhere deep inside of these bones, an emptiness began to grow.......there's something out there, far from my home, a longing that i've never know........and who here, would ever understand this little girl, with this seemingly flawless personality and looks, and her little smile..... if only they understood, that i would give it all up for a little happiness in my life, if i only could..... there is an empty place in my bones, that calls out for something unknown, the fame & praise come year after year...does nothing for these empty tears.........

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: When The Meadow Was Blooming by Monica Mancini

To See The Melody Of Songs Referenced In This Blog, Click on the link below...

Continue reading "a minor melody of sorts....."

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:19 AM

March 13, 2006

Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable...

CURRENT MOOD: Nauseated

wow, this is my 55th entry.....does that require celebration? what does that exactly mean? so there were 55 instances (well, technically less than 55) where i felt torn enough to need to cry out to cyber space and let my tears, fears, and hatred illuminate in these tiny little pixels, forming letters, forming words, forming sentences, forming my tears, fears, and hatred.......

i dont know, i never seem to know do i....?....i should be writing a rhetoric paper right now....but instead writing this, and i dont even feel like writing this...i just want to feel somewhat productive...instead of staring at my myspace profile, listening to songs about heartache and unrequited love.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(one phone call later)
I hate you, I hate you i hate you i hate you! there are no words in my fingertips that can ever express my utter loathing for you!!!! how can you, just stand there, and feel NOTHING!!! i know i wasn't suppose to feel nothing!!! but how can you go through all this, and still feel so indifferent towards me!!!! how can i be in the back of your mind!! how can i.......how can i? I NEVER EVER EVER EVER want to see you again!!!!! NEVER AGAIN! omg, how i wish i can have the strength to never see you again................ i wish.......for too many things.... i wish..... for impossible things.... and without even knowing.... i am the one hurt...

I hate you.....because you are free....because you are unaffected....because i cant say any of this to you... because you do not hear the songs i hear...because i have to smile when i talk to you.... because i have to pretend that everything is okay... because i have to hold in everything i've always wanted to tell you... because you dont know what you mean to me... because i am so scared that one day you would tire of me... because it seems like, i am the only one, that's vunerable.... impossible

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 4:04 PM

February 26, 2006

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, that the dreams in which i'm dying, are the best i've ever had...

CURRENT MOOD: ashamed

i am, the greatest failure that ever lived........i looked out my window, and i see, that she feels the same way......when my past few weeks were bliss, she smiled a golden smile that seemed as if it would never disappear, with the brightest blue eyes you have ever seen.......she always dreamt peaceful dreams, and asked for nothing more than to twinkle in everyone's eyes........and here are the tears.... she weeps for me, she weeps with me.....we both know, that nothing gold can stay..... nothing, can stay..... would my mood be brighter if she were to smile for me? or would her mood be brighter if i were to smile for her? but it doesn't seem like i will be smiling any time today.....no, i rather cry for her, with her......of course, happiness cannot be forever....because my tears are needed to sustain the life of nature's first green....of all that's golden...... so it rains harder, and my tears fall faster....so the world can be right again..... i am such a fuck-up.... i am the one to changes the seasons.... i am the one who forces leaves off of trees..... i rip the petals off every flower and see them glide towards their grave..... i kill all that's good... and i drive everyone away from me..... i drive everyone away..... and then here i am alone...... he's not to blame, she's not to blame, no one is to blame....no one, but myself....... i am to blame for my Fall.... i am to blame for my freezing Winter..... no matter how hard i try to be callous to everyone around me, i still end up caring too much for those who need not to be cared for.... and no matter how much i try to pretend to care, i end up wanting to be callous to those who need my caring the most..... very few keep me happy, those few will make me sad.... no, i will be the one who gives them no other choice but to make me sad.... the seemingly only way for these changes of the seasons to cease, is by my keeping of all people at a distance... far enough so that i would not want to care, far enough so that i want to be callous... yet close enough, so that i feel obligated to keep them company from time to time....

only then, will i never be alone......

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Right Where It Belongs by Nine Inch Nails

click below for today's lyrics.....

Continue reading "I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, that the dreams in which i'm dying, are the best i've ever had..."

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 5:03 PM

February 24, 2006

new poem

and so what has begun
the end of all things
where the blind lives best
only ignorance brings
a peaceful life
full of bliss & content
as long as the mind is
unaware of a moral dissent
i cover my eyes
sewn together my lips
to not break the silence
to not let the words slip
but as i become more callous
to emotions i hold
as i steep myself
in a more lasting cold
the want of a warmth
will grow more intense
in the dream of this
that is evanescence

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 6:23 PM

February 14, 2006

the best valentine's day i ever had...

CURRENT MOOD: HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!!

who says being single on valentine's day is a bummer?!?!?!?!? so far, this valentine's day is turning out to be the best one yet (besides the fact i had to take an italian quiz :-P) yesterday, to get my mind of my worries and woes, i stayed over at a friend's house, watching some crack-crazy movie....for a while forgetting about nuisances & broken hearts... and just having some fun! and then this morning, when i got back home & getting ready for school, I get a call from an old friend in vegas, while he wished me a happy v-day & got me up to date on his life (& visa versa) i get a call from yesterday's friend to go outside... so i go, & guess what?? I GOT A SURPRISE VALENTINE! the only catch is i can open it till sunset, & that if i receive another valentine b4 then, then i have to pass it on.....but the thought of this handmade "emergency valentine" is the sweetest thing on earth! and it really made my day!! and if your reading this elime.... THANK YOU A MILLION!!

(pt. 2)
and so my day continued to be....... GREAT!!!!!! I saw my friend alex & Ian....got the sweetest txt message from a new found friend (absolute hottie!) & for some very odd reasons when i would walk by, guys' heads would turn! (true story!! this one guy even waved at me.. WHOA! ) lol, i know i am making a big deal out of this, but as many of you dont know, i had a really tough run in with "love"....considering my b/f (well now ex) broke up w/ me just a few days ago.... but since then, i have found a strange sense of confidence that many guys are picking up on (more like picking up on me)... i am really not trying to sound conceited or anything... and it's not like i am EVEN CLOSE to thinking about going into (or finding) another serious relationship.... but i just want to mess around, have fun, and make great friends (possibly w/ special priviledges).....lol, ok ok, with all jokes aside, i really am discovering myself & trying to find what makes ME happy, (as according to the suggestion of my friend) so, come hell or high water, i am ready for anything right now....and for once, i am going to be...happy.. ^_^

i know this is all so lame.... but if you understood anything about me, you'll know why i am this estatic right now ^_^

(pt. 3)
so i met up with my friend, and as since i did not receive an actual "valentine" i was able to open up my present, but i still had to wait till sunset....so we hiked up (A very steep and tiring trail) but once we got to the top, it was work all the hard breaths and aching muscles..... it was absolutely beatiful, sitting there on the bench, watching the sun set....and, as we were watching the whole of the bay area glowing underneath "l'amore" of the sun...lol, i opened my "emergency valentine".... and i almost cried..... it was the most beautiful, thoughtful gift i had ever received.... accompanied with a handmade card, with poetic words that can make any heart skip a beat.... and a rose, to resemble, as mentioned in the card, a setting sun....... it was gorgeous, and came with chocolates straight from Belgium....... it was a wonderful day, a wonderful valentine, and i really am thankful right now to have been in the brief glow of friendship & what was for a while something more... but no more elaboration on my part.... i got to get to class now.....

yayee for good friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY V-DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Good Day by Dresdon Dolls

CLick link below for today's lyrics!!!!

Continue reading "the best valentine's day i ever had..."

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 10:34 PM

February 12, 2006

what's the last thing i see? you are...never coming home....

CURRENT MOOD: Undecided

so i've been single for the past 3 or 4 days.... i dont even remember when albert broke up with me........ but i've been having a "blast" since then...... i guess i am trying to fill a void here.... i tried to fill it with brian, a short live love (or was it lust?)... then going back to albert, but, i guess he never felt the way he said he did, after a while.... the promises collapsed, and we were back to digging our graves for each other....so he got fed up, and i am single again.......but never in my life, has so many "opportunities" just arose out of no where..... damn, now my blogs resorts to obsessive persons as fans...... *sigh* but first there is that "really old" year old.... he's pretty good looking, i guess.... and it seems to me he would be a very supporting lover....... but, i'm just not "feeling" him right now....... i was, but, now... i am just not..... then there was a very friendly, goofy one.... it was great having him around and chatting... but i think it would remain only as that..... a friend... its always nice to have friends.... then there was mr. frenchy.... god, was he gorgeous... but it's one of those, "glance & look back cautiously" kind of a flirt... sure we exchanged #'s and "facebook" accounts... but i really doubt any more would come of that..... then there was a very interesting, multi-talented band geek... once again, pretty good looking... but it was his personality that caught my eye... that, & his bay area musical know-how..... it was great hanging out with him once again...... but once we hit my first "frat-party"... after those couple of "pretty pink drinks", which obviously was a stronger kind of medicine made available to anything with 2 boobs and a vagina..... it loosened me up, for sure... but i had a blast... my newfound friends and i, just talking about nothing at all... yes, i had consciousness... i was very aware of my surroundings.....and i didn't resort to standing up on top of a table and dancing with my shirt off...i had more sense than that..... but my un-intoxicated side was filled with shame & guilt.... i can't believe i went to that level.... a role model, scholarship recipient kicking down a few drinks with strangers......... talk about college life........ i ended up taking a guy back home with me... someone different from who i originally set out the day with..... but that was with every innocent intention that i just really didn't want him, in his state of mind... walking all the way back home.... i had an extra bed, compliments of my friend..... and we lamented of an on & off lover who continues to break our hearts & confuse our minds....... i never in my life have said so much without being fearful of the resulting judgement my companion would have on me...... but after he left in the morning, and i took a couple of advil & got about 5 hours more of much needed sleep.... i felt.. alone... of course of all these guys i have met in the span of 4 days, not one would fall into any other category than friend..... i hope it stays that way... because i am honestly still freshly wounded from my last few relationships... with no time to heal.... but it gets... lonely.... without someone to have & to hold.... but why is it, that the wrong people feel such a way for me? never in my life, have i had a lover whom i have "fancied" for a good while..... pretty much, every crush i had, didn't feel the same way for me.... all these crazy affections are just to hopefully fill a void i can remember feeling since forever......... my life has been very fast paced lately, and i will try to continue it so.... i just dont want to stop and think about how very lonely i am...... i can't even begin to think of who i really want, and what i even want....... is there really a desire of anything in the first place? or is this all in my imagination? i need to be left alone..... and i need, to be alone

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: The Ghost Of You by My Chemical Romance

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 4:35 PM

January 23, 2006

I can hear him, but I can't hold him

CURRENT MOOD: Lustful

a nameless........or rather i keep his identity under wraps.........so i had the desire to listen to a particular song that has been the theme of my past couple of days, including today.......the desire, the waiting days on end at the edge of my bed....staring at the phone for his calls, my fingers itching, wanting to scratch......but no, i have to be patient.....no, i learned my lesson last time, i must proceed with caution, with little or no expectations....the last time i let this fatal attraction out of control nearly led to very undesirable results........and now things are back to normal, to the way they should be....why do i be stupid enough to go through all this again, but this time, i'll just keep it to myself, and remain calm......i see him, but i can't touch him.....i hear him, but i can't hold him.....i want him, but i can't have him..............oh this song can't ring any more truer.........i don't want to ruin things again.........so i'll keep quiet.......ok, well, i pray i can keep things in control....because lord knows me.....i let passion get the best of me, and it screws things up......i have to remain, indifferent...........it's so hard to be indifferent after so long.......after such a taste, after such a dream.........*sigh* i miss him, i want him so badly.........but then again, i don't, because, then i'll get hurt........i'll just hurt myself again if i go back to the way i use to be..........just stay in your seat, and please remain calm......this blog does no justice for the way i feel, maybe there will be a part two when i am not so tired........

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Auf Acshe by Franz Ferdinand

Click below for lyrics to today's blog

Continue reading "I can hear him, but I can't hold him"

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 2:14 AM

January 22, 2006

Bored.....

CURRENT MOOD: Lonely and wanting

you know, i am really liking this song "feel good, inc." by the gorillaz........has a very catchy beat, great way to start the day......people suck, not like i just found that out, but, every now & then the fact stares me in the face.....i wonder whose gonna blink first, my room is dark *gets up to open curtains*........i just watered mr. bonsai right now, and for some odd reason he has very tiny cobwebs on his branches....freaky, and he peed, BAD MR. BONSAI..........oh yeah, back to people, they suck.........some pretend to like you, at one point they really do, and then they get tired of you and leave........yeah, they respond to the occasional hi you send, but nothing more than playful ignorance........*sigh* i need a friend, one who is new.......i need a new toy......i hate being a person.......i'm bored, i'm lonely, i can't wait to see my LA friends..............*sigh* ok, well back to my attempt at work........and i need to do laundry............bleh, i am gonna stay reserved for a while.....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Feel Good, INC. by Gorillaz

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 2:34 PM

January 17, 2006

I've Been Everywhere, man....

CURRENT MOOD: Slowly, but surely, coming out of it

Part One (in LA):
There are times, when the only peace you can find, is the soft murmur of acoustic favorites, and the flickering warmth of a fireplace. Sitting in the living room, this place I called home growing up, the same place where I first cried, first laughed. My first Christmas in the very same living room, my 16th birthday in under this very roof, my father’s memories in the golden gleam of his trophies scattered in ebony caskets. Here I sit, staring at the reminder of my first, forgettable holiday back home. College life proved more difficult than I imagined. Don’t get me wrong, academics was a breeze, but life itself brought upon me certain twists and turns that left too many things uncertain. Standing opposite of me is the poorest excuse of a Christmas tree. Slouching there in it’s pitiful glory with dangling ornamental orbs of silver and gold, hung upon sickly green branches, covered in the bright, colorful confetti of a New Year’s celebration. And crowning the contradictions of promises and celebrations is a rotting porcelain doll, sagging atop its branch, hardly holding on, looking suicidal as it readies itself to take the final plunge downward. This was anything but a memorable holiday, and I am more than just welcoming the thought of going back to the cold, dark room up north that I now call home. This last year ended with more than any man’s share of grief, anger, and pain. And the start of 2006 could not have rang any truer to its ancestor’s end. The apple does not fall far from the tree. Blindly starting with the death of a near, but far, friend, one whom I cannot seem to shed tears for, but surely I pay respects and my heart’s grief.

Part Two (in Berkeley):
However, my stay in los angeles ended in far more pleasure than i expected, having a birthday on friday the 13th under a full moon is a one in a million chance, as in going to san frisco from LA and back unexpectedly in a day, the 6 hr trip there and back has proven memorable, and the 3 hr stay was breath-taking....I arrived in oakland by plane the very nxt day.......i was content when i came back to my sad, little room, buying a television to keep me company in dark times......but recent events are not far from my mind, and it will be a while before i am willing to love again.......but i admit to wanting to play, and be played....there is even a longing for someone i have longed for once before, but just as i could not have him then, i could not have him now even moreso.......so i rather suppress the little beast than appease her.......for now, i need a remote control, and to clean my room.......that's all i can expect i guess..........I am tired, and the day has worn me out, but I have much to say, much to figure out. What I must say, before I retire, is that the solution to every problem is not confrontation, but ignorance and just simply, running away.

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Soul To Squeeze by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 2:32 AM

December 17, 2005

never again, & never again, they gave us 2 shots to the back of the head, & we're all dead now

CURRENT MOOD: Hurt

right now, right now, he is sleeping, dreaming his sweet dreams, living his care free life, away from pain, heart ache....he didn't feel a thing when he said he didn't love me, he didn't flinch when he said he didn't want me, and here i am, laying awake, in a cold shower of uneasy insomnia.......his hard body was pressed against mine, his dirty hands running over my skin, his lips, the same lips which told the lies of everlasting love and nonexistant promises......how i detest it all, how i hate how his lips touched my skin......that grotesque bastard, who once gave me chills running down my spine, now does the same, for all the wrong reasons..........how i wish......oh how i wished........i clutched the heart i once gave away to a man who i thought would be the one....i frantically grasped what little life i had left, all i had left of the life i threw away for him........my arms, my chest, my flesh.......all burning this white hot fire..........all freezing with the piercing needles of the deepest, most remote part of the artic ocean......my heart, nothing can possibly describe the emotion reeking of it, the pain seeping out of it....the putrid stench of rejection, being convenient... i want revenge, i want to make him feel my torment, i want him in my hell, i want to staple his eyes open to see the gleam of each tear i bleed......... everyday i pray he'll feel his soul burn so immensely, that when the pain is over, hell would seem like heaven..... i am just another silly girl with another broken heart, cause by another conscience-free jerk who wanted another fuck........ why is it that the guilty can rest so easily, and the victim be so torturously restless.....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Tiny Vessels by Death Cab For Cutie

Click the link below for the lyrics to today's song....

Continue reading "never again, & never again, they gave us 2 shots to the back of the head, & we're all dead now"

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 2:11 AM

November 22, 2005

i don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there...

CURRENT MOOD: Tired & Alone

"i don't know if you would listen, to a gypsy's prayer"..........

i have no idea what time it happened, but last night, while talking to my boyfriend, the past calls, and all i hear on the other side, is a favorite song.....one which held meaning at one point in time, a point in time when two people where in love, a place where insecurity and doubt was a thing as impossible as time travel......i cried, i have no idea why my ex found it necessary to call me so i can hear live the one song left untainted, the one song that still brings a smile to my face......the song ended, so did the call, and i was torn....no use hiding what happened, and the next couple of hours of my life were one of terrible grief and sorrow, that not even brian could snap me out of........and i told him, i told him exactly how i felt........i told him the reason why he needs to pay for my therapy, because i really am, the most horrible person i have ever met.......he says to let it go, to forget about the past and about what happened, then slowly, i explained why it was so hard to let go of my ex, to let go of my past......i'm guilty, guilty of everything.....the hardest part about being guilty, is that no matter how much i justify the actions of what i had done in my last relationship, it gives me no reason to have done what i done......i cried, again and again, cried until my nose was rubbed raw from blowing into the rough caress of tissue papers......we had good times, me and my ex.....he did so much for me, so much.......and i, was just completely insane......i invaded his privacy more than once, i always accused him of lies, i always was suspicious of his actions, i gave him no trust, and worst of all, despite the millions of reasons i gave for having cheated on him, i still shouldn't have cheated on him....sure, his actions, his stories, were a little far-fetched, but no matter what, i only have enough proof for his one lie, the one lie i caught him in, the only lie i ever caught him in..........as for me, the lies are insurmountable.......the more i told my brian about who i was, and how i treated him, the more i hated myself, i was starting to fall back into my pit of depression.........".why is it so hard to let go of the past? because, i became the very thing i loath"....that is exactly what i told him....i became the villian of the story, and here i am, still happy.......what am i suppose to do when i am the villian of the story.........he had nothing to say, he asked me, what was he suppose to say?.........and i said very simply, "you're suppose to hate me"..........i mean, if anyone has ever mentioned some wacko girlfriend hurting some guy as much as i have, i would hate her....if anyone had ever done that to any of my friends, i'd kill her.........i told brian, why should i be an exception......"what the fuck kind of a world is this, when you are always your own exception to hatred".......i explained that if anyone ever killed a loved one of yours, it doesn't matter why, it doesn't matter how.....no matter, you'll still hate the murderer..........and that's exactly what i am, a murderer.........i sat on the windowsill, just staring at the stars outside.........no one can understand how hard it is to hurt the one you love....how can you even come to understand how hard it must be, to know that you are going to do it all over again?....and the worst part of it all, is that i have no idea if my ex even deserved it....worst of all, all my suspicions and doubts could really have been false, and he could have been telling the truth all along..........brian couldn't understand, he said he'd love me no matter what, and that i wasn't wrong for doing those things, and i yelled....that's just the fucking problem, friends are always so biased, no matter how much of the truth you tell, if they are on ur side, they stay on ur side.....everyone should hate me......did you know, that you are far more likely to get killed by the one you love, then a complete stranger?.........i killed the one i loved.....what people dont see, is the internal struggle i have within myself......all everybody sees, is a person who tries so hard to fit in, forever a rogue, just assimilating into the personas' of the people around her......i have no morals, i have no limits, i have no defining line.........i have no idea who i am anymore......i lost my identity in a poker game a few years ago, and been stealing everyone else's ever since..........people either hate me, or love me, but no one, not no one, understands me.....sure, people do bad things, but i definitely take the cake....i feel like crap, and it's not because i have a sore throat, a large sore in my mouth, or even a hacking cough.....no, i feel like crap, because, i hate myself........i hate what i done, and i can't just move on........you dont go to a loved one's funeral, and forget about them for the rest of your life....no....you show up at their grave once every year, at the day of their death, bringing with you a bouquet of flowers and a tear in your eye.........and here i am, so alone, mourning..........mourning for the death of my father, mourning for the death of my innocence, mourning for the death of lovers.....mourning for the sins i've yet to pay for.........after that phone call, while brian was on the line, as silent as ever, i mean, what can you say after a person just bashed herself for every dirty deed ever done, what can you say to a suicidal?.......after the tears fell, after the sniffles subsided, and when i could no longer feel the cold of the night air against my skin.....i just looked up, and wished, wished with more pain and emotion than i ever wished for anything in this entire life, to just curl up under my blankets, and never come out again.......just to be isolated from the world, so that no one would have to deal with all the wrong doing i am capable of.....brian chooses to overlook these things, he thinks he can love me no matter what, and that he'll change me.....he says he wont make the same mistakes as my ex, and that everything will be ok.......i warned him, i warned my ex........and yet, no one ever wants to listen........yeah, that's all i hear, "i'm different from any other guy you ever met"..............so go ahead readers, laugh at me, hate me, love me, reprimand me for my stupidity, send hate mail, send mail about how you know too well how i feel, or do whatever u like....all i ask for, from you, is not to pity me........all i ask for god, is to be forgiven....

"forgive this outcast, hungry from birth....show her the mercy, she doesn't find, on earth....god help this outcast, or nobody will..."

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Reflection from Disney's Mulan

Click the link below for the lyrics to today's song....

Continue reading "i don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there..."

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 3:57 AM

November 18, 2005

Rantings of a pissed off friend, girlfriend, and lover....

CURRENT MOOD: Pissed

how can men be such idiots.......ok, let me not generalize here then because of the millions of guys in my life who turned out to be jerks......it's unbelieveable how people can be so easily manipulated by the thoughts and ideas of others, all because they want to be cool.......as for my ex, he just had to be this idiot i am speaking of, mr. "i will always be your friend forever", mr. "i want you to go out there and find someone to love", mr. "didn't you read the fine print? i lied about all those promises i made"........... because i found love, he wants me back, because i want to stay away from all things that remind me of home, he gets butt hurt and never wants to speak to me again....because i am ok with never talking to him again, he calls me time after time saying he wants to be my friend, then tries to manipulate me to break it off with my b/f......... i want to be his friend, but he seems to be some whiny, tantrum-ridden 5 yr old who can't have it any other way but his way.... making bets on how long my relationship will last with other friends of mine..... or who use to be known as my friend..... and funny, how this is the same friend who backstabbed my ex by having an affair with me while I was in a relationship with my ex..... funny funny funny, maybe it's just still a bitter taste in his mouth that he couldn't get me to break it off w/ my ex to go with him........ i am just so unbelieveably pissed off right now at the world, pissed off at the ex's who tap into people's privacy (yes i know i did that too, for reasons of hoping to disprove the "truth" my ex was telling me while he was fucking me, yeah, turned out to be lies....nevertheless, i still hate myself everyday for stooping so low, for letting insanity get the best of me) , pissed off at the ex's who all of a sudden tell you that you mean the world to them, pissed off at the friends who talk their shit about me not leaving my ex alone, then talks shit about me leaving my ex alone.......what the fuck kind of a world is this, when you are always your own exception to hatred...........

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Tainted Love by Soft Cell

Click below for the lyrics for today's song

Continue reading "Rantings of a pissed off friend, girlfriend, and lover...."

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 3:15 PM

November 12, 2005

they say follow ur heart, follow it through, but how can u? when its split in two....

CURRENT MOOD: Reminiscing

so i have been meaning to write a blog recently, but with being so occupied and preoccupied, for once i had not the time to procrastinate and write one....of course this is still not the time, because the story i am meaning to write deserves total and complete devotion, while i'm in a state of heightened passion....but the muse for such a blog is ephemeral....as short lived as the days of fall.......nevertheless i shall keep my readers informed of my life in the past week, without the analytical frame of thought.........but this is a secret that i wish to keep, because there is a certain mother of mine who would destroy what little happiness i have if she were to ever find out.............of course, it'l illogical to think that a mother would be furious at the thought of her soon to be 19 yr old daughter having a boyfriend....but throw in the circumstances in which him and i fell in love, and the fact that my mother's morals are strict to the point that the man you lose ur virginity to is the man you marry..........and let me tell you, i am not a virgin, & she knows who took it away from me........so i do have a dilemma of trying to please my mother while at the same time living my own life........but that is not the biggest of my worries.......you may not know what my previous blog was about, so let me try to explain......i had a boyfriend i loved, and who claimed to have loved me in return.....now albert is my ex, and well, i honestly never thought he would want to ever return by my side, for the fact that we have hurt each other one too many times.....though i tried, and cried, so hard to get him to return to me, my efforts were futile..........but the minute i told him of my newfound love, he immediately declared his desire to ask me out........of course he mentioned that he had been giving this some thought for the past couple of weeks, but why now? it seemed so odd that he all of a sudden wanted me back, and i was just sitting in my room astonished at the fact that i was desired by two men........and i had a choice..........i didn't know who to believe, albert was saying that my b/f was out to get me, just to fuck me and have his fun, that love at first sight doesn't exist, despite the fact that my boyfriend and I never have seen each other....we have been talking online and on the phone for the past year as really good friends, and nothing more.........and on the other corner, we have my boyfriend telling me that my ex was never any good, and that my ex was trying to tear us apart...........i have no doubt in my mind that my boyfriend loves me, and no doubt in my mind that my ex loves me and wants me back....but then again, circumstances in both situations make it so hard to believe that either one loves me...........one million choices and no where to go...and that is where my previous blog comes in......................to be continued....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: I Still Do by The Cranberries

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:54 PM

November 8, 2005

it's the hardest thing i ever had to do, to look you in the eye, and tell you i don't love you

CURRENT MOOD: Torn Apart

love....its so beautiful, and so dangerous....it can go up to speeds of 200 mph, and yet still feel so right........so you're in love, and the world is a happier place, and how would you feel, that when you're life is finally perfect, ur past calls you at midnight at brings up the life you once lived........what do you do when you are forced to choose between the one you love, and the one you loved........someone you are starting new with, and someone you walked two years with.........its terrible to think that in the end, someone was lying, and no matter which path you take, you are gonna leave the other one behind.......this is for all of us, who had to choose between a rock and a hard place, between love and logic, between the heart and the mind...........how am i to know if the lover is the truth, or if the beloved shows the lies..........i am happy, happy to believe that someone loves me, and that i love him.....i was happy to be able to move on.......then my ex calls, saying he wants me back, after months of pushing me away.....just one day proclaims his love, saying he wants me back........after all this time i waited, i could only wait so long......after all this time he told me to move on, now he expects me to just break free and run back to him..........i tried for so many months to have him, and now he wants me back, when i already gave my heart to someone else......its two years of passion competing with a newfound love..........best friend or lover..........lover or best friend............how can god do this to anyone, forcing me to choose the liar............or even worse.....they are both telling the truth, and the choice, is really.....up to me..............

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Face to Face by Siouxsie & the Banshees

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:13 AM

October 24, 2005

and the second star on the right, shines it's light, just for you

CURRENT MOOD: Revived

and so i was about to crash.....i took off my headset, turned off my radio, just sat back and saw the floor of the canyon speed it's way towards me.....and when i closed my eyes, instead of hearing a deafening thud and feel a split second torment of massive pain.....there was nothing.......i was back in the air..........

so i was back in LA, after a squimish encounter with the doctor when i went in for my first full blown "annual" exam that so many women love (and i say that w/ the greatest of sarcasm) i hit the ac transit and slowly made my way to the oakland airport...i admit, it was fun, cruising down oakland and watching people get on & get off of the bus, seeing abnoxious kiddies, familys of 5, other loners like me.....it was fun, eventful, all while listening to emo punk rockers scream their little voices out about heartache and loss on my headphones.....so i got to the airport early, about 2 hrs early, so i unpacked my cards and played solitare (story of my life).....and you'd never guess, there were TV"S on my plane!!! it was fun watching That 70's show while ur hundreds of miles in the air....and all the while, i was dreading going back to LA, back to nothing....the only people to be glad to see me back would be my littlest bro and my mom...wow......but no, it was great......i saw the people i loved, my friends, my ex, my bro, my teachers...my everything.......it was wonderful being back in my hometown where everything is open 24/7 and there are taco stands on every corner......home sweet home....seeing my little kitty was the greatest thing.....she just sat in my lap and purred as if i never left home.....but people looked different, it was freaky, like, everything was exactly the same, but in a different way.....go home after a couple of months, and u'll see what i mean.........but this trip was more than just another outreach visit for me, it was a breath of fresh air, actually, more of another gulp of that reality that really brought u down to earth, that made you realize what you were doing alive in the first place.........i saw it......i saw that the things i left to look for in berkeley, were always waiting for me at home.....i saw friends who loved me and cared.....i saw students who looked up to me, despite how i looked or who i was, but who saw a role model, a person they wanted to be when they grew up.....i saw hope, i saw love, i saw my little brother's smile........and berkeley seemed so insignificant, the guys who never called, the guys who pretend to be ur friend and pretend to know what life is about, the friends who turn their back to you, the people who saw u for what u are, not what u can be...........yes, i am glad to be back in berkeley.....but its always good to see the reasons behind ur actions....to find that when you go back, ur bed is still there, ur kitty still jumps on ur lap, ur friends still call and hang out till 2am, that everything is still waiting for you, exactly the way u left it........

and so i opened my eyes, i was still in the air, but who was piloting the plane now? and thats when i saw, a person standing there, no face, just a blurry outline of something human, i stood, but it did not move.....i stepped closer, and was embraced with a hug u can never imagine, so much warmth, so much happiness, so much joy and love, all in one hug....i could have cried, i almost did, but it wasn't the time, because i still have a destination to get to, i put my hands back on the controls, and even though i still have no idea where i am going, at least i feel a little bit better about getting there......

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:16 PM

October 21, 2005

ave maria....

CURRENT MOOD: Confused

i think something is wrong with me....i haven't been myself lately, i haven't been myself for some time now.......and i've been saying and doing things i regret....i shouldn't.....*sigh* just going through some technical difficulties, please forgive me for everything i've done in the past couple of days......

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Careful Where You Stand by Coldplay

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:45 AM

October 20, 2005

i don't want to start any blasphemous rumours, but i think that god has a sick sense of humor...

CURRENT MOOD: Pessimistic

...and when i die, i expect to find, Him laughing...............
people are jerks, *sigh* and all this time i have been trying to find reasons why to keep my head up and smile for the rest of the world..... it seems like as the world progresses, love becomes a thing of the past, and all that matters now is fulfilling our sexual fantasies, i mean, that's what the world is about....reproducing, making ourselves feel good...whatever....i am mad at the world right now.....and worst of all, my headset for my phone doesnt' want to work....bleh.....whatever, so i move on, and folks, imma take the scenic route, imma move off my path for love, and instead i'll turn left on this fork in the road......i'll take what i want, get what i need, people get less hurt that way when u know from the beginning that ur just in it for the sex.....well, we will see what happens.....i really need to learn how to be a bitch, that's the only way to survive, that, and the only way to feel better these days is cookie dough ice cream and lou bega......ladies and gentlemen, i give you mambo #5 (and if u know what i am talking about, then you get a cookie!)

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Just A Little Crush by Jennifer Paige

FOR THE LYRICS TO THIS BLOG'S SONG CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE READING!!!!

Continue reading "i don't want to start any blasphemous rumours, but i think that god has a sick sense of humor..."

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 9:55 PM

October 18, 2005

OK Just a warning here.....

I exaggerate ALOT so PLEASE don't take these things seriously, um....so yeah, imma go die of embarrassment now.....lol hahahahahaa, just kidding, but yeah, overactive imagination here.....so...........*meow* hahahaha, my passion gets the best of me at times......bleh......but ok, i was freaking, but i guess i should cool down now, cause it's not everyday that the person you write about reads ur blogs that are about THEM! i mean, strangers read it......sure, its like whatevers, cause i dont know them, probably never will meet them......so if you are someone i know, don't read my blogs, most likely they will not interest you.....and if you do happen to read them.....then yeah, you will never see me the same way again, probably think i am a freak or something, and like run away everytime you see me.... *deep breath* ok, well, imma go jump off EVANS now, i hear the view from there is nice.....lol

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 9:30 PM

i can't take my mind off of you, until i find somebody new....

CURRENT MOOD: Disappointed

and once again a dream dies, in the height of the climax....but i saw it coming, i tried to ignore the cliff ahead as i sped through hope.....but it didn't end in tears, it didn't end in hatred, jealousy, or depression.....just sheer disappointment, a simple mistake......one call is all it took to bring be back down to earth......*sigh* it was nice, and though i may never hear from him again, though i must admit that another loss is somewhat, well, i was hoping i wouldn't lose again......and so he called, said yesterday was a mistake....simple error.......i was stunned, shocked, for once in my life, speechless......he apologized, and said that life was too busy for a relationship, yeah, everyone is too busy for me.......but the funniest part of the conversation, i tried so hard to keep myself from laughing, was when he said that i was a beautiful girl, and i could easily find someone.....makes me want to laugh so hard that i would cry.......but it's ok....he didn't know, he doesn't know, and at least he made a happy day for me, one happy day from months of depression......well, thank you god for letting me see the sun, but i guess i have to go back into the deep, where darkness reigns.....but see, this time i have a little candle to light my way in the forest, a little spot of hope, that somewhere out there, there is someone, just for me..........why do i always have to be the mistake?

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice

CLICK BELOW FOR LYRICS TO TODAY'S BLOG

Continue reading "i can't take my mind off of you, until i find somebody new...."

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 5:57 PM

October 17, 2005

There you see her, sitting there across the way...

CURRENT MOOD: Twitterpainted

*sigh* so i have been through so many guys this past month....i told you i fall in love easily, well, not love, but twitterpainted.....usually the feeling is not returned, most of the time, my love is a one way street out of town, but this time *smiles* i think it's mutual....he is gorgeous, and not so good as to be true, if anything, i see flaws, his perversity (dont know if that ias even a word!) but he has the most beautiful smile ever.....his laugh, and his sarcasm, and, he is smart.....today, oh how wonderful it is to relive the moment in my head again and again, how we stole glances at each other while we were talking to million dollar donators and the chancellor of UC Berkeley, how funny it was that the comment just slipped out of a friends mouth that we would make a cute couple.......he was stunning, the darkening night played well on the romance of the evening as we were walking down softly lighted pathways through berkeley's picturesque forestry, over bridges and murmuring streams....it was just like out of a dream, to hold on to his arm, just like the days of old when gentlemen revered women as delicate creatures......the moon just smiled upon us as we walked on, and the stars glittered as if god's hand were just sprinkling them upon ebony silk, but we didn't notice.....we couldn't hear the essence of conversations carried on by surrounding couples, we didn't notice showering stars above, we didn't notice the disappearance of the sun, and the triumph of the night.......and then it was time to say goodbye, to part our ways.....but it wasn't to be over......he faced me, and held my waist in his arms, and just held each other there for what seemed like eternity....i had no idea what to do, i had no idea what to expect, and i was too afraid to look into his eyes, for if i did, i might have never wanted him to let go.......then he tilted his head down, just a little, so very little, and i inched my lips so close to his.....and for one instance, the world froze, every creature, every blade of grass, every fallen leaf, had held its breath......it was a second in forever, lasted so long, but so brief.......there were no fireworks, no crowds cheering, just the whisper of the wind.....soft, tender lips....yes, it was a second in forever......resting my forehead on his lips, i gathered the courage to look up, to see the slightest twinkle in his eyes, and a simple smile.......as we whispered our goodbyes, as not to stir the moment awake, we simply just walked away.....i have no idea if he turned around to savor the idea one more time, but i just closed my eyes as i walked away, to emblaze the memory in my head so that i could finally tell a story, of a little moment in time, when i smiled and quietly said to myself....that was nice......

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Blue Moon by Dean Martin

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 9:04 PM

October 6, 2005

the further i get from the things i care about.... the less i care about how much further away i get

CURRENT MOOD: Unbroken

it's so funny, how close minded the world is....no matter who you are, no matter if you are a liberal, or a conservative, no matter male or female....whatever you are, you are very close minded indeed.....and if you're not close minded, well, then you are a hypocrite.......not like it matters......but it's funny......people who never had a rough life talk about how stupid being suicidal is, when little do they know it's not just a stupid trend that gets picked up, but most times it's actually a very serious clinical condition.....some people bitch about people who bitch.....yeah, hypocritical....some people talk about high morals and crap, and when you turn your back, they are bragging about how cool they are because they scarfed down a bottle of vodka (and still find the time to lash out at people who do the same)......people never realize that there are exceptions......you don't realize it, sometimes i don't even realize it.....pretending like you know everything there is to know about life is very juvenile, and what's worse, is while you're pretending like you know everything you declare that you really don't know everything......funny how people think they have the right to tell the world how to be, just like how i think i have the right to let the world know how it is through these blogs.....funny.......and when you're friends read it....they support you, and everyone else thinks your one big drama queen........funny how men (and yes women) can say they would give you the world, and when your gone, they are offering it for the same price to someone else.........how close-minded you must be to think that you know how it goes in your life, and you know how it goes......how close minded to complain about whiny teenagers, when you were one urself......how close minded to look down upon everyone, and write about the world in your eyes, thinking your on some high pedestal cause you got it all "figured out".....or at least you are trying to sound that way......to lower yourself to the point to where you hate one type of person, yet accept that type if s/he were your friend.........how funny it is to say that you are a fun-loving whatever, and yet hate just as much as you say you love.......how funny that you can accept yourself when you reject ur mirror image in others......how silly we all are......to have friends we hate, and hold dearest the enemies we love......how we find a resolution to life, and fall back to our beloved patterns of loathing and "smarty pantism"........to think that you can have respect when you have an opinion.......that is the funniest thing of them all.....as long as you have an opinion, you will never had respect....so we are all going about this the wrong way.....people will disagree, and if they respect your choice, well that just says that much about how much they believe in their own opinion....i know i will get no respect for believeing in what little i believe in, and that's not cool....cause deep down inside, we want people to think just like us....or else we won't have an opinion about what's right or wrong.....then people get mad when opinions become a fad and everything thinks like them.....crazy.....people are so funny.....you want to know what is the most hilarious? i am close minded enough to think people will read this, understand this, and not hate it.........by the way alby....i still respect you

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: People Are People by Depeche Mode

wanna read the "funny" story behind THIS???

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 5:25 PM

October 5, 2005

for what it's worth, i feel i should let you know...

CURRENT MOOD: Morbid

it's very conceited isn't it....to think that you have the power to ruin a person's life.....so fucking conceited to think, that it was always about you........i mean look at me, thinking the world is all about me.....sitting here, typing, thinking the world cares about me......i complain about my life to people, thinking it's all about me.....i am crying right now, thinking, it's all about me......i just never want to let go, let go of the past, and of memories....of fantasies and of dreams........well after things are buried six feet under, i still think it's standing right next to me, i still think, i have it in my hands......i think people love me, i think people hate me, i think, that people always are thinking of me.....but it's not so....i could die right now, and the world will keep on spinning, no pause, no moment of silence, because somewhere in the world, it will still be turning..........there is no point to this life, so you can get a fucking degree in whatever and become a world reknowned fuck....but all it amounts to is a pretty casket shoved in the ground.....yeah you get a few tears & a few words......but it eventually dies, just like everything else......and even then, your body will be thrown out after so many years, and you become nothing, nonexistant.......

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Fear Of Ghosts by Cure

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:08 AM

October 1, 2005

it's been awhile

CURRENT MOOD: Regretful, but not regreting

why am i cursed with the touch of death? well it's not necessarily as if i kill all i touch, just...i don't know the difference from fantasy and reality, which can, at times, be harmful......it's that when i want something, really want something, no matter what, i can't have it.....i can have everyone else, but the one i love.....i fall in love to easily. so what if you have the perfect definition of love, i fit the requirements of a lovesick girl. i think about him all the time, he is the first one on my mind when i wake up, and the last one i think about before going to sleep. my day revolves around him, and when i am with him, it seems to last a second in forever.....have you ever experienced that? where when you are with someone, it seems to last an eternity, but then again seem to last only a minute? he makes me laugh, and he is so, different.....of course everyone i fall in love with are different in their own way. just the thought of being with him, even if it was only as a friend, would be......so.....so wonderful. he can be the one to make, & break, my day.....he is a dangerous man to have this kind of power over me, but he does, and he may not even realize it. he will never realize it.....he's laying in bed, while i am here typing my little heart away. he may have a notion though, it's my fault if he has any idea......i wished i never said anything at first, but i am just that kinda person....passionate, too passionate....when i fall for something, i fall hard, i can never just "like" something, every song i have, every romance i lived, every hobby i possess, at one point in my life, was more than just.....it was a love, a passion......i would love to get to know him, it's always nice to have a friend who can make me smile like he can, who can really just get me to forget about all that life has to destroy.......i don't know why, but i know that with him i can forget about troubles back home, friends who double as enemies, loneliness that can eat away a person's soul.......i can forget about a life that breeds insanity........perfection, he would be a great subject to capture on paper....i would hope to be able to one day do so........well, it's 2:30 am, and if for some reason, if by some off chance he is reading this, well, i want you to know i am sorry, for using you as the flavor of the month...i hope we can be friends

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Senza Fine by Monica Mancini

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 2:36 AM

September 28, 2005

Senza Fine

CURRENT MOOD: Anxious

It was so perfectly planned, everyday it was imagined in the depths of my mind how in some very unlikely event a passionate romance would develop between the most unfathomable of candidates and me.....*sigh* I was told that it is not "bad" or even remotely uncommon for such hope to be kept, but that i leave myself open for any possible moment to happen....i lean in closer, and drop hints, and i even go as far as throwing away all logic and filling my head with some nonsense notion that it would be a great idea to practically spill my emotions on paper and hand it over to him.........i shouldn't say that i regret it, because i would regret my "what ifs" far more........but the feeling is wonderful...the rush of excitement, the pounding of my heart each time he walks into the room....how his character makes every episode in my mind so perfect, so well choreographed.......but he might not even be the man i have imagined so accurately in my dreams........neverytheless, no matter how improbable dreams may be, i still hold the lease to his presence in dreams so that I may play director to my own romance......may it be unhealthy, but according to "so & so" it's a natural defense machinism to the pain and rejection of the dating world.......ehhh...whatever you call it, i'll take it to go.........but i believe my escapades are over and done with, so those of you who were entertained by this drama, i am sorry, but the series is subject to cancellation for the lead actress cannot play the part when the plot is so obviously false.....but the short-lived intrigues, however innocent they were, will always be looked back on fondly, and with a little laugh.......

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Endlessly by Muse

(click on the link below for song lyrics)

Continue reading "Senza Fine"

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:13 AM

September 25, 2005

Tu per me sei tutto quanto / Tutto quanto io voglio avere

CURRENT MOOD: Foolish

hm, well now, here is the thing about "ethics" no matter what your beliefs are, no matter how strongly you guard your morals, there will always be....the "exception"....it's very exciting to not have one moment in my life where I am not questioning some part of me.....my preferences, my beliefs, my values.....but what's the point in defining them if there will always be the "exception"....only one thing is for sure....I follow my heart, blindly.....I don't stumble forward, I don't thrust out my hands to feel where I am going, I don't second guess myself when I tie the blindfold over my eyes and follow the winding path......I realize the awful, and sometimes embarrassing consequences...but all that does not matter to me.....i just simply justify every move I make, by my whim of desire.....it's who I want know, its being in love with love.....but it's not like I don't have options.....oh no, if anything, I have too many options.....there has not been a day where I haven't been hit on, or haven't been asked to go out on a date.....but for some reason my interest in dating hits an all time low....and i blame it, on one man......there are so many candidates out there, but this one....he just stole my heart away....of course I still enjoy flirting around with other guys, but if there is anyone I would want to get to know.....it's him......i remember how my heart just jumped the first time I saw him walk into the classroom.....and here is where the ethics come into play.....before, if you asked me my opinions on teacher/student relationships, it would have been that they should be not allowed....but he, he is the exception.....hard to believe the age difference, hard to ignore that thin strip of gold snaked around his ring finger......but i let myself fall....i threw away all doubt, fear, and logic, so that I can spend the most of my day dreaming of him....but he is not like any other "professor" you would imagine...hell, he is not a professor at all, more of that in-between stage of GSI and professor....but none the less, if it weren't for the fact that he is still a staff member....there is always the prospect of him being married, which is more than likely.......i could just imagine him laughing at the idea of one of his student's being infatuated with him.....entertaining my thought of a possible chance to live my dreams by throwing out subtle hints and entrancing smiles.....or it may be my wild imagination at work again....this drama unfolding before you, will not end at all, the way I hope it will.....maybe, there is nothing more to this than just my end of the story......love is dangerous, and I am no stranger to love......just put this one on my tab cupid & let me sign on the dotted line, for i know too well the risks i will take with this one

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Sing For Absolution by Muse

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 4:47 PM

September 23, 2005

Sinful, yes...but evil, never

The secrets in my heart are sinful not for the fact that I yearn for a man, but for the fact that I yearn for someone other than who I am committed to. But how can I resist him when he is so near? The way he brushes his hand against me, pretending not to notice the affect it has on me, makes chills run down my spine in a moment of ecstasy. Him pretending that my affection does not exist. Or is it really his ignorance that is blinding him from seeing my emotions? Or is it the fear of exposure? The fear of indulgence...Dreams are a stage that imagination can run free without the consequences of the real world. However my dreams cannot satisfy my appetite for him. My heart cannot feed off of imagination forever. I can be wrong for wanting him, but I live to appease myself and not the ideals of society. We can be free from the eyes of the public...living in the cellars of the world...hiding from our conscience so to be steeped in overwhelming pleasure..knowing that we can leave it behind in the dark. Only can we draw upon these memories we can make. Only we can claim these thoughts in the dungeons of our minds. Or if he wishes, we can bury our dreams amongst the graves of the forgotten.

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 3:17 PM

September 15, 2005

Thank God It's Thursday

CURRENT MOOD: Distressed

So...miss me yet? it's barely been a week....and yet I feel as if my life has always been like this...of course the first two days of being up here in UC Berkeley has been hell....devastating and absolute...why? well let's just say I ran into a couple of problems with housing and came close to homelessness....but now that's solved, and ...as for now...i am stuck in a single room, all alone, just in solitude, but it's not all that bad....it's nice to come "home" whenever you want and put any kind of music on and not have a roommate to tell you off for bringing in friends at 12 am.....*sigh* i love it here, but hate it all at the same time....i am so nervous about my choice for classes...and about what i should be majoring in...everyone around me is a comp. science major, or an engineering major, or a political science major....come around asking me, and "undeclared" doesn't sound as normal as most people say it is....and then even worse, to tell you my schedule....it's a bit embarrassing...of course i am going for classes I love...but how academic is theater & music...of course there is a calculus class in there, but that's because i wanted to please the family so they don't think i am trying to become a starving artist....*sigh* why is it I haven't met anyone with my same interests/classes? damn it....and even my style of dress is VERY...how do I say....well, let's just say I stick out like a sore thumb....ha ha....the only people who look the way i do are good for nothing bums on telegraph ave.....does that say sumthing about my future, i wonder? well, hopefully all goes well on the first day of class....and well, lets pray that i do not forget my roots...already i am slowly forgetting of memories and precious moments back in HP...of course, i will not forget my friends for the fact that your name is written in some sort of memory book i have kept for the past 5/6 years....but still, i am getting too used to this place, i need someone to bring me down to earth...worst of all, i need sumthing to keep me busy, least i want to fall flat on my face again for some good for nothing guy who's too good to be true......

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: I'm Not Okay (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:17 PM

September 9, 2005

In the arms of an angel

CURRENT MOOD: Broken Hearted

me, just being me....i should be doing my math homework right now, but instead....i sat here watching moulin rouge on my laptop....i don't know what it is about that movie, but every time i watch it, it makes me cry....i know what's gonna happen, i know in the end, despite a love so strong, it just won't be enough to overcome the inevitable.....and as i watch...see before my eyes a story of truth, beauty, freedom, but above all things, love....see it unravel, and see a love, i so desperately desire.....i wonder.....would anyone ever love as much as that.....love so much to risk the lives of many, to love so much as to play out a dream that in the end, would result in unimaginable torture, not of the physical kind, but of the soul......to have someone like that, willing to live and die for you, willing to trust in all you do and doubt everything you say, to know you so well that they can tell what is truth, and what is a lie.....we, yes we are so desparate to find such things as this, this love.....so desparate that we invest hundreds of dollars a year on makeup, so desparate that we indulge ourselves into hours of time wasted watching movies where there is a happily ever after, we are so desparate, that we waste meaningless hours getting to know him, bumping into her, constantly keeping a goddamn lookout for mr. or mrs. right, always wondering whether that guy across the street was the one........here we are with pics on the web, with webpages and profiles thinking that he would magically appear in the form of a friendly message sent by a stranger....by placing your entire life and being on screen, some sort of display of delicious objects posted up for "window(s)" shopping (if you actually got the joke you spend too much time on the computer)......ha, well, i should be one to critisize, cause here i am with my very own exhibit, so creatively displayed, so that i may entice a certain someone to take a chance on me......and it's not only on the web, but also when i parade myself around in outrageous outfits, and as much as i enjoy the ability to express my taste in fashion, there is not a day that i wake up, and not say "what shall i wear today, to impress that certain someone".....yes, i bait myself to catch one of the many fish in the sea....i wish to be as beautiful as those girls on the big screen, flaunting their perfection and having a love we are all jealous of.......yes, i know, it's only a movie....but every tale, every song, has it's underlying muse....it's own bit of reality, and truth.............

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Too Late by No Doubt

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:32 PM

August 28, 2005

To have & to hold

CURRENT MOOD: blah

i dont know what to say...but things are a little to perfect for me around here....it's all just so perfect...so many of my friends are just a bus stop away...i can come and go as i please...i eat whatever i want, whenever i want...i have the perfect classes....i am discovering exactly what i want to major in...and worst of all, i will be getting my own laptop very soon.....*sigh* but wait...there is one thing missing...there always was one thing missing....and sure...i feel so great when i am hanging out with my friends or in class or walking down telegraph getting the kind of attention i always have wanted.....but there is someone missing....*sigh* and is so beautiful because there is no possible way to fall in love here......people are too busy with classes and homework and friends and whatnot....or they are taken or gay...whatever the case...there are none left for me...and if there is, it's only the good for nothings down the street who beg for change or play in bands....people doing nothing with their life...and even then a small conversation is all you get b4 they disappear into the crowd again.....and then again...i may be too busy...to shy to go out there and get to know people and talk to everyone.....but i think.....when there is nothing to do but stare out my window and listen to sad songs about love and hate and loss.....i hurt for someone....to talk to...to love....to hold....someone like me who can finally understand where it is i come from and what it is i am......so every day i straighten my hair, put on my makeup, and dress in a strange but sensational way....just to impress someone....but i go home...wash my face, and stare out my window again....just as alone, as i was.....before

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely by Backstreet Boys

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 1:06 PM

July 23, 2005

Fear and Loathing in the depths of...

CURRENT MOOD: Rejected

Slowly the minutes tiptoe by, shockingly revealing true friends from greedy abusers....it's in times like these that I feel so used, so rejected, from people I once called friends.....today I realized there are so very few people whom I really call friends....not just mere aquaintences, oh no...but actual friends I can call at midnight and not feel bad for disturbing them.....friends that I know would help me when I needed help...friends that could care less if I couldn't help them when they needed help.....have you ever felt like the world has turned it's back on you? as if everyone wants to go out and have fun, but diliberately "forget" to invite you....that after hours of hard work, unappreciated, and long days consoling friends in their darkest hours, forgotten, you turn to your friend for a little chat, a little fun, and they turn away because some "more appealing" person came their way....how after so much time I spent being too good of a friend, a pretty lady walks by and I get ignored, because I don't have heavy eyeliner, an eye opener physique, straight can-never-go-wrong hair, or a cute little smile.....Men....you can never be a man's friend...they always want everything for the price of nothing....they always want help from you, and hope that you never let it out that you know him.....they always want your money, your dreams, your love.....they always want, for me to keep my mouth shut, eyes closed & never ask for anything in return........it may be my terrible judgement of character that so far in life I have not met one decent man, not one....every guy I met had a second agenda, and a secret hidden......maybe chasing after pretty smiles and open legs was all they were built to do.....I hope I can meet someone to prove me wrong....or I hope I can possess men's ability to hold in their filthy hands a heart of one so undeserving of cruelty and torment, and so easily, no guilt attached, be able to squeeze the blood in a bowl and smash it on the wall to mark this momentous occasion of another woman undone....these ragged hands cannot type quickly enough of the fear and loathing i have for these creatures....these men I see everyday parading around in cheap cologne and unsatisfied hunger....they rate women by the look of her skin, the wave of their hair, the absence of all moral.....and while these skanks get the bigger boobs, the smaller noses to appeal more to this caveman instinct, the rest of us with enough mind and manner to uphold our decisions and continue to wait on a perch for a man who believes it is worth the trouble to get to know a woman and appeal to HER needs and wants...but of course from what I have seen so far, there is really no such thing....and don't go saying that there are "nice guys" out there, because I knew about a dozen so called "nice guys" and to tell you the truth, they turned out to be the biggest jerks and greatest disappointments.......*sigh* I am a lonely girl with too much of a broken heart to see mr. bright side right now....all i know is that I have so called "friends" who will continue to ignore, abuse, and all that jazz....kill me now toto...there is no way to get back to kansas now....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Killing Me Softly by The Fugees

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:34 AM

Explains upcoming blog & it's contents...

CURRENT MOOD: Enraged

it's times like these i learn just why i hate you so much sometimes....well not that i hate you, but i hate what you do.....so now i am not pretty enough anymore to get your attention, oh no, i need to dye my hair blond and paint my eyes blacker than the night sky to get anything out of you, odd how "abby" got a perfect score on your quiz, when you don't even know her....or maybe you been talking to her alot more than you want me to know.....and how you go around cheating on these stupid quizzes....how you "accidently" get your computer frozen, yeah, that's why you got a perfect score on daisy's personality quiz and mine too.....then calling girls your cutie pie, your honey bunny, your pretty kitty, wishing you can kiss pam's lushcious lips....trying to be a player you are NOT....and you wonder why I go insane? because i had a b/f who like to flirt and hit on every girl that passes him by, and the b/f i had before that like to force me into doing things i didn't want to do, and the guy i dated before that used me intentionally to get his ex g/f jealous, and....well the list can go on, so i guess it was only a matter of time before i went crazy.....yeah no beer and no t.v. make homer something something.....your sick.....how you love to reel women in and dangle them on a string for your amusement.....you, and paul, and jack, and robert, and all the jerks i met in my whole entire life....well i shouldn't be worried about who exactly you are trying to entice.....it's none of my business, because you left me w/ no strings attached.....don't you ever feel guilt for what you do to women? well, maybe daisy, ernie, abby and god knows who else are skanks enough to not care of one night stands and they too get it on with about a million other guys....but you know me better....you know that I will not tolerate a man....no, a boy who goes parading around like he can own the world and feel none of it's reprecussions.... yeah... parading... parada.... opposites yet so similar.....i don't know who is the one who should stop this madness, but all i know, it's the cause of my own insanity.....call me, you just made me more depressed than you can ever understand...and unfortunately, your the only one who can make it better

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Killing Me Softly by The Fugees

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:30 AM

July 21, 2005

Nonsense, nonsense, what would we do without it?

CURRENT MOOD: Mischievious

And so the world goes round with another month left till my departure from the place I finally call home....yes finally...vacation, no, i mean an ACTUAL vacation, one whereas a person sits around at home all day w/ nothing to do but play games, surf the web, and watch TV....this type of a vacation does a funny thing to the head of this little girl.

As many of you may NOT know, i usually have a terrible time trying to fall asleep...no, i am not an insomniac, though i confess to watching hours of adult swim to occupy the mind till i am forced to lay in bed tossing and turning to think of the million things that can overcome the mind of an 18 yr old female living in a mediocre community with over the top expectations sitting on her shoulders.

The point is, I miss my life. I miss the wild imagination I had about certain assumptions that I now know was never true (though I have been found guilty of imprisoning hope that should have never been there in the first place).

I miss the carefree days of acting on impulse, exceeding an overly established system where good grades & teachers pet reputation can mark you as one uncapable of any wrongdoing while behind the curtain you are ditching class, cheating tests, and slapping your name on an essay written by some other geek claiming credit for someone else's essay online....

i miss having friends to hate, and loving enemies a bit too much (only to infiltrate their minds to discover the depths of their sins to fully expose in light so that not only is blackmail in the bag, but so is seeking a revenge so revolting it prickles the back of your neck knowing you can cause pain so effortlessly to a person who hurted you so much, though no extent of damage, my dear friends, can never pull out the knife in your back)

but of course all i am talking is complete nonsense...none of us ever stooped to that level...ha ha....but having lost what was once there gets me to thinking how precious memories really are.

If you think about it, memories are the only proof we have that we existed at a certain point and time, memories are the only thing keeping our lives in tact, our minds in sync, and reminding the world that there was something before now that was once known as the present. just imagine, your most precious of memories, being erased.....then it never happened......

if two people were to have met in the park, under the stars, and shared a tender kiss that shook the world and lit the skies.....well, if neither one remembers, than it never existed, you never existed at that point and time...for how could you have? if there is no reminder in your mind that you were in fact feeling, tasting, living that moment in your life....

of course unless you racked your brain hard enough to believe that such a thing happened, to where soul & heart swears on the heavens it did indeed happen....well then if such an act is possible where human, or outside force can implant such a false imprint in our minds, then how are we to know that what we know as "life" really did happen? have we been thrown on this earth this very instant, awaken from some exotic dream, to think we did have our meals the day before, and scraped our knee not too long ago? you could have woken up right now, looked around, and see the day you bought your first bike, remember the time your crush made you cry.... but it could be just a bit of dream forced upon our feeble minds so violently that it was never there, but we remember, therefore, it exists.....

now i am sure i have lost all of you by now...it's me speaking my dreadful nonsense again....so i'll go to bed, stare at the wall, back at the clock, watch the digital green numbers transform themselves to a meaning i remember being taught....12 am, 1 am, 2 am, that's what i remember, that's what must have been.....but even if what i remember from bits and pieces of high school drama were really just funny specters haunting my head in a dream world that never existed, at least i have the power to close my eyes, and contort these so called memories to dreams that please me the most......wake up the next morning, missing you even more, and viewing old photographs of what MUST have been.....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: All the Things She Said by T.A.T.U

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:31 PM

July 10, 2005

"Be what you would seem to be"--or if you'd like it put more simply--

"Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."' - excerpt from Alice in Wonderland

CURRENT MOOD: Contemplative

Muah ha....thurs. july 7 - leaving for the airport, and alby is in the drivers seat worried that he won't make it home by 1:50 pm, when it's 1:40 pm.....so he & patty drop me off, say a quick good bye & good luck, and me and my camping bag (oversized backpack) goes to get a ticket....so my flight doesn't leave until 3:45 pm....so i got a long way to go, i get to my gate, and realize that i was the only person uner 40 there! a bunch of old men & women in business suits sit around the waiting area with there ear pieces on, their hand helds out, and shirts tucked in......wow, then out of no where spring break wanna be-s come around, being re-routed to our gate to take a plane up to vegas....of course....losers, they still went after us...airplane takes of, and my cd player dies after 4 songs....right in the middle of Roxanne too! damn....oh well, i read the magazine offered in the little back pocket....touchdown, leave in a shuttle with 5 other old wrinkly women, and one person soon to be my roommate for my UCB CalSO 3day program.....so i met a few old homies at UCB....daisy from HP, my PCA peeps, and that's about it.....so it was cold, confusing, and intimidating the whole time.....strange looking peeps, with strange looking desires, and strange looking habits....it was all greek to me......so i got my university id, some info on UCB stuff, and put together my class sched., but all in all, it was informative.....woke up third day, went to breakfast, made my classes official, stood around w/ jairo...and left in a dream.....i was half awake while the shuttle took me to the airport in a mad dash as we leaped over every pebble and crack on the freeway, then getting ticket, going through security, getting to gate, sitting in line...* yawn*...pulled out some magazines and booklets i got at UCB....still had an 2 hours to take off, 1 hr, wow, so quickly we take off again...this time i got pretzels! got to burbank, called alby, got in his car, and drove home......moral of the story is...i'm old, and losing sight of my goals, which i never even identified in the first place, as the 3 days went by in a blaze, and truck loads of info being dumped in my little hands. yeah, i want that new laptop, and living in clark kerr dorms will be fun....but i feel empty, indifferent, de-passioned of the love i once had for higher educated.....jaded over the fact that when i start into the mirror i see an adult who has handled much of her life on her own, but does owe great thanks to the little people (who are big in my heart), this girl, once a little mermaid dreaming of world domination, kitties, and what i should wear tommorrow to impress him.....now....now i am a college student. one thing that stuck from my CalSO program was that when you come to college, the only person who is responsible for you, is you....the only person who cares about you, is you....the only one who can screw you over, is just you.....so i came to UCB hoping to find the people to fill the void in my life....to find that someone just for me who makes me laugh and not feel alone, whether it be a good friend or good lover, or just a group with similar interests and fantasies.....but all i am doing is delving myself in a deeper pit of solitude as that only i can be the one to save myself....no one else ever could have.....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: You Gotta Be by Des'ree

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:44 AM

July 4, 2005

THE GREATEST WAY TO START OFF SUMMER!!

CURRENT MOOD: Jubilant

OMG...so I said about a million times i was going to see =w=eezer and red hot chili peppers in concert in vegas....well, i know i ran into alot of complications when albert cancelled on me, and then the whole looking for a bus partner cause i couldn't go alone, THEN FINALLY I find out my mommy has the day off!! YAYEEEEEEEEEE!! so she took me and lucy to VEGAS BABY!! and we saw the greatest performance on earth!!!!!! IT WAS GREAT!!!!!!!! I saw weezer and my LOVE RIVERS!!! omg omg omg, so like I was dying when they played good time favorites such as BUDDY HOLLY, HASH PIPE, SAY IT AIN'T SO, & THE SWEATER SONG!!! they also played stuff from their new album like their newest singles WE ARE ALL ON DRUGS & BEVERLY HILLS!!!! Then, after 40 minutes of waiting, there they were, THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS !!! the crowd went wild as hot sweaty bodies bounced around to songs like OTHERSIDE, BY THE WAY, THROW AWAY YOUR TELEVISION, CAN'T STOP, GET ON TOP, CALIFORNICATION, SOUL TO SQUEEZE, and of course the two greatest songs ever written to end the concert UNDER THE BRIDGE & GIVE IT AWAY!!! I swear this is the greatest concert i have ever been to and ever will go to!!! SO YAYEEEEEEEEE FOR THE VEGAS CONCERT! and yeah....it was great

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Island In the Sun by Weezer

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:19 PM

June 27, 2005

High School Dedications

CURRENT MOOD: Guilty

We are past the point of no return.....& what wicked games Destiny plays, that bring us together to tear us apart. Wandering roads lead us astray my friend, and final glances blaze in our heads as they glimmer with distant memories, long gone. I'll see you soon. Let's cry and love as if there is no tomorrow. Hug the one to your left, kiss the one to your right, hold everyone's hand, for there never was a tomorrow. Let her know how you cared, tell him of your love that was always there. Live no regrets, now there is no room for "what if's". Remaining thoughts count down to the last second, and a tear stands ready to shed the days we once had. let us say a prayer for the friends we hold dear and the lovers we would cherish. Let our hearts bleed together, for the dreams we lived and the reality that faded away within these walls. Let us, once again, go back to the start, for nobody said this would be easy. Tell your secrets, ask your questions, because there is no way to go back, to the start.

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 3:18 PM

June 26, 2005

You are my favorite mistake

CURRENT MOOD: Nauseated

So I made a mistake. What's new? I'm sad, & lonely. All I needed was a little hug, a little love, a little attention, but that is asking for too much now isn't it? Friday, was great.....Saturday, was great......then I wake up this morning. How can I help feeling the way I do? Used, abused, some crying monster falling in the pit of devastation way too quickly.

There are signs everywhere, saying to go this way, saying to go that way, but they are all mad. I don't want to go among mad people, that's something I can't help, because even I'm mad, insane. What can I do? Nothing. If I ignore it, it will ignore me. If I pay it too much attention, I will be used to my fullest extent, & tossed away again. If I yell at the top of my lungs at it, spewing each cruel thought that crossed my mind from here to there, then there is the point of no return.

*sigh*

The epitome of perfection, of course it was never meant for me, of happiness, a sorry loathing of all that's good that will never come my way, and will never know.

Never....

I say that very often.

So I am not good enough, not good enough for the wonderful. Putting me in my place, saying I would never amount to anything, all that I am covered with determines where I'll go and who I am. No one around me understands, all they care about is themselves, their own horrid selfish lives. Telling me what I can fucking do, and what I can fucking not do. Just try to build the boundaries that you wish could hold me in and see what happens! Show me! I dare you to show me the love I can never have. Tell me, tell me again about how you foresee my downfall as I lay drunk on the streets begging for change to get another goddamn beer.

Listen to these empty words, forming insignificant sentences of a life that has no appeal to your otherwise uncaring heart. And let me rot in hell for the favors I gave, for the help I was extending. May God curse me till the end of time for being who I am and interfering the way I did so you may live a happy life.

I love it.

I love how it makes me feel like the dirt beneath your feet. I love it, how everyday I stare into the mirror, pasting on this forsaken mask of beauty to entrance a smile, and hide the hideous beast within. But deep down I know, oh how the mind loves to tell my soul I was never good enough, I am never good enough, I will never be good enough.

My wretched heart buries itself in its own grave as my insanity conjours the plans of others torments and pains. And as I feign sorrow for your loss, I laugh menacingly as each open wound quenches the thirst of my parched soul. Revenge is sweet, as each tear I wasted on all humankind is being repayed in blood.

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 6:17 PM

May 31, 2005

Some more poetry

CURRENT MOOD: Anxious

Yeah, i haven't written some of these in a LONG while....but i always find that poems are the hardest form of writing to tackle. Nevertheless, when the right moment comes, and inspiration is at my window, I just write, and the words just flow out.

Untitled
My heart trembles & the mind fades to black
As steady hands move slowly, undercover
To find a solution to your riddle.
Simple smiles & uneasy glances,
Hoping the eyes don't give away
This pounding heart's desires.
Move closer my dearest friend
And let me show you a world unlike any other,
Where passion reigns & tender warmth
Is all that is needed to survive;
As steady hands move slowly, undercover
To caress a love that answers your desires.
Just hold me near & touch me softly,
Quickening breath is not a concern of mine.
Do no fear, only to delay the dream,
For time is not one to wait for your games.
Close your eyes so fantasy can play her tricks.
Taste her lips to never wonder of regrets.
Allow illusions to paint reality,
As our steady hands move slowly, undercover,
Together in the dream that is real.

Waiting Room
The heart races.
Fire burning within
feeds upon question
after question
concerning simple curiousity.
No end to the insanity
of unanswered riddles.
Patience my only companion,
though quickly wearing thin
my own tolerance.
Wringing hands upon my chest
as the silence consumes
slowly at the mind's flesh,
yet you ask of me
an impossible task that
i haven't come to understand.
Sit upon the cushioned chair.
Life standing still
as i hold my own breath,
waiting, waiting,
for the answer in your hands.

The Game
Rules are nowhere to be found
and patience is a virtue
that plays upon innocence's mind.
As if you hadn't already known
how time's vengence can crush
the hearts of dreamers and wishers.
Hope, too easily grown,
reaped for the benefits of what?
A simple game to break the hearts
of those who never intended harm
only for your own wretched revenge
of years of use and tears of...
Unrequited love...
i know you well, and here
we meet again,
just as before,
playing hide and seek.

You...
are my sin,
which I repent every day,
though never to end
the indulgence of my
Desire...
is a deadly past time
that feeds upon the soul,
slowly corrupting the mind
and eroding the truth of
Reality.
was rejected so effortlessly
for the essence of fantasy
thus allowing hearts
to be easily blinded by
Love...
is so simple to give away
and so readily received
but a disease that curses
the lonely heart of
Me.

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Simple Kind Of Life by No Doubt

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:16 AM

May 28, 2005

Should I have...

CURRENT MOOD: Restless

How distant everything felt today, how oddly out of place, the people i once knew are so different now, so different.....my inescapable crush reduce to some slightly grossed out but brotherly (nipple-pierced?) friend... some quiet, yes-the-very shy girl turned to a mighty perverted, ass-slapping fun woman.....the girl with the strange sense of sex-punned sentences and boy toy fun, well, she's still pretty much the same......and though i doubt any of them would read this, may i mark that in no way is any of this an insult, but take is as if your my muse to just have me think again about the toll of time as I watched the waves crash upon the shore, erasing my sad attempts at sand castles and kitty sand sketches...changing them into blank canvases with washed up rubble and candy bar wrappers for kids to play in.....change, yes what a word....to think about where you stood a year ago, your dreams and wishes and goals, and to sit where you are now, your dreams and wishes and goals....are they the same? how are they different? and though you think you know what your heart desires, yes a year or so that very object (or person) might not be as appealing as the new apple of your eye.....I had so much to think about, even though it was really only one thing on my mind, but connecting to that one, single event was a thread of thoughts, ideas, and memories to recollect, reorganize, and once again derive a meaning to my life overall to figure out what to do next, and what to change how.......or is it how to change what?....does it hurt to know that your heart can change as quickly as the subject of your main photo on myspace? how is it that we can look back on a movie, and idea, and love it, then hate it, and years from now love it again? just what does that say about us....yes there are those who say love it forever, everlasting, dear lord almighty pray for us all......it changes....decisions, decisions affect the direction, those certain affections, that lead us to lives that are now.......different, everytime i open my eyes the world is different.....a new aspiration takes me to a higher?, a wiser?, a new level of perception...of clarity......love what you have, take what you must, and move on my dear friend for memories are only made once......I hate to look back on certain aspects of my life and wonder what would happen, if i did, this?, that?, nothing at all......so next time I see you, i may do something stupid, I may say something wrong...( I should hire a script-writer for the show)....but at least I did what I had to do, I said what must be said, and I live out every possibility as impossible as that may sound so that I will no longer question.......

wontsujevolrednusnoitpmussa-erphtiwdessikevahIdluohs

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Wicked Game by Chris Issak

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:15 PM

May 27, 2005

Smile, though your heart is aching

CURRENT MOOD: Thoughtful

I live to make people happy, especially when they need it the most, that would explain why I bend over backwords for friends, and lovers....i take nothing seriously, and though I may act oblivious, i know, but maybe it's a made up dream, a fantasy, a whacked out world of reality....It's like a have a secret mission to do on this earth, and it's been done before...where there was a sad little someone, I can't stand seeing a sad little someone....and I arrive, just in time, to make their world bright for just a little while, until everything is right again, until the planets realign to make the world right again, then I disappear, and that person is happy again, in their own little life....and I walk away, glad to have made a difference, and move on to cheer up the sad little someone farther ahead, i have no guilt, no regret, This all has happened once before, it still happens (although with hardly any success on this case), but I accept it, because i love seeing people smile, I love making them smile, even if it's just a little while.....it's what I live for, it's what i am working for.....a secret contract struck up between two people, and when my job is done, memories are stored away in a secret box, that only two people hold the key, and I walk away, I ask for nothing in return, only that person's happiness....yes, nothing has ever happened...and shall that person need me again, to brighten their day, I will be there, ready to serve, to love, to make better......i love my friends, and i would do anything for them, i would do anything, so that they wouldn't cry...i know what my purpose here is....why i live on this earth, this is why i move on to a higher education to better myself and the lives of others, but don't mistake what I do as some emotionless profession, no....i am not a paid whore who throws happiness away like yesterdays newspapers....what i feel is genuine, what i experience, to me, is real......and though I may hurt a little when it's over and done, it will never override the joy i felt, making that someone smile, knowing i done my duty, and yes, i will move on, making others laugh....others smile.....I guess that is my gift to the world, that's is honestly, the only thing in this life, that makes me feel worthwhile, that makes me feel useful, that pulls me out of this constant depression, because i know, i made you smile

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Smile by Nat King Cole

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:00 PM

May 17, 2005

A Bunch of Jibber Jabber

CURRENT MOOD: Exhausted

I don't know how I can even begin to explain. To explain this sorrow and fulfillment drenching my heart all at the same time. The fantasy features sweet waters to be sipped, and cooling shades offering protection from the harsh rays of the sun. But for some reason, the closer I walk towards this oasis, the farther it runs. And when I reach it, I know deep inside my heart, that it's nothing more than a mere illusion; my hopes playing tricks on the mind. I am simply seeing a love that was never there. Nevertheless, I push on, hiding from the obvious, trying to protect my heart from disappointment; unconciously I am carrying it to a higher limb of hope to be dropped, thus harder the impact when I finally come down to earth. The sun flashes, blinding me from any view, and all I see, is your joy. Despite my contentment that I finally see a smile on your face, the ache in my heart cannot subside, because I know the truth; however deeply buried it may be in my soul. You are careful not to shove it in my face, but when I see your heart skip a beat, yes even such a subtle action as that can cause me to turn away from such a painful image of perfection. I never lived by the books, but you, yes you have, you still do. Everyone knows, what is right; I know, that of what I wish for is wrong, just simply wrong. There was never a chance, nor should I ever dare to dream of one. But my heart is not one to listen to the logic of reality so easily. Even if your tender lips, god forbid, should ever be forced to speak the harsh words of truth, of what was meant to be and what could never happen, no, I would never believe it. I would rather shroud myself with the velvet of night and feed my desire with the lively blood of imagination. Shunning the light, and hiding within the deep catacombs of my mind by day. No, I was never meant to be warmed by the reddening sun, quickly fading into the horizon. My skin too sensitive, my face too scarred, to ever live in your world....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Have You Ever by Brandy

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 6:59 PM

May 12, 2005

Leave me alone

CURRENT MOOD: Pessimistic

yeah, I always am talking about how i want to affect someone's life, that I want to make a change in the world....well let me cut to the chase, i just did that....I ruined his life.....Now isn't that just fucking peachy? You know, i know from the start, that it would come to this, now, because of me, he got kicked out of school. I look around and realize, now what is so fucking great about life? you lose friends, gain new ones, lose those, love people, they never love you back, people screw you over, and in return you screw them over too....I mean here were are stuck in a dank little room called earth, with only limited options available in our life....so many rules to abide by, and here we are, like fucking animals, living, eating, polluting, fighting, killing.....and it starts from day one...we go to school, trained to go to certain places when the bell rings, trained to listen to your elders, trained that speaking without raising your hand is wrong, that you address everyone else by mr. or mrs....and here we are, pathetic sheep following the shepard that says "education is your only way to live life", so we angelically follow the rules to get that scholarship and go to that college, just so when we get there we get trained to follow new routines and new rules....and me, people like me make this world fucked up.....i setting the standards so high, the biggest follower of them all, the biggest kiss ass to get that A, ruining other people's lives cause i want them to be a conformist just like me......all i do is ruin other people's lives, i ruined my father's, my mother's, albert's, my friends', and even my own.....i shouldn't even have been born, or survive this long as a matter of fact....i should have been taken out of my mother's womb like the rest of my previous bros/sisters....i should have died in the hospital, i was in there for a month after i was born, and thank god for fucking medical science that kept me alive.....honestly, whats so great about trying so hard to making a life for yourself...years from now, that damn yearbook that featured you as the most popular whoever in school will be thrown away with the rest of the used condoms, dirty diapers, and yesterday's magazine......no one will remember you, or what you done, you'll just be another useless corpse taking up a 6 ft deep hole in the ground, only to be burned to ashes when family & friends forget ur grave so that another nameless body can be tossed in.....it's gonna happen eventually.....and so who cares if you become a famous whatever that changes the world, cause you will still find a way to wreck someone's life....newton killed millions with his discovery of gravity, cause now people all over the world will know that if they fall off that building there is no way they can fall up and live, so what if franklin or whoever discovered electricity, cause no matter how many dark rooms we can light up at midnight, we will never be able to light up the minds of every dark, ignorant fool in the world....and here i am, falling into the category of another depressing, suicidal joke....lamenting about life, and all the hardships faced, crying that there is not enough money, or mommy and daddy hate me....giving everyone an excuse to pity me and give me your consolences...and one day, i'll be thrown in a mental institution like the rest of my buddies, stuck with a million stuffed cats, meowing and laughing and crying all at the same time in my lovely new yellowing jacket with the too many buckles, the only thing to do is stare at that white wall, trying to scrub off that black splotch right in the middle, scrubbing and scrubbing but never able to wash it off, but only making it grow bigger and bigger, going crazy with the stain that won't go away, yelling and screaming cause the stain won't go away, my virginity is gone, my innocence is lost, the tainted wall, will never go white again....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: The Reason by Hoobastank

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 7:12 PM

April 28, 2005

It's just emotions, taking me over

CURRENT MOOD: Melancholy

There are times in life when one does not know which way to turn. When one does not know, who to believe or what to say. This is a time, when my heart aches, for every little fear, for every harsh word said, for everything that seems wrong in the world. But nothing in MY world was ever right to begin with. Even before I was born, nothing in MY world was right. Then, when I acquired the "gift" of communication amongst other human beings, things began to make sense, in an Alice In Wonderland sort of way. Of course, nothing in my life ever made sense. From the deception in elementary school, to the screams in middle school, to the teenage drama in high school....nothing ever made sense. The whole world, seems to be built on the illogical, thriving on the far-fetched, and as for me, I am the oddest one of them all. I seem, so out of place, so out of hope, so drained, of life. I have no passion. I have no hope for love. I have no dreams. None at all. And people look upon me, for answers, for help, for the need to fulfill their curiosity on the eccentric life. People become entertained by sorrow. As I cry in the corner of some room, people watch, wondering if I would spill some tidbet of information to later gossip to their friends. My stories of depression and heartache become some sort of modern day soap opera for the sick and lame at mind. There is no point, in the end anyways, for all this madness. One day, today won't matter, and even that day, will soon be shadowed by more days to come. As I grow older, grow weaker, tears will be forgotton, and sorrows will be mourned no more. So what is the point? for all this, so called emotions? What do we, as humans, derive from this feeling, called love? Why is it, that the bait is too often, too appealing, to not, walk away.....?

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Emotions by Destiny's Child

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 3:16 PM

April 27, 2005

Dear Diary,

CURRENT MOOD: Appalled

some people just have real guts....pathetic or not, some people just do....to do the things they do to other people, to allow the world to fall apart, to allow "friends" to keep on guessing......isn't it wonderful, how we think we know a person, and in the end...it isn't them at all? It's grand, that we can be a million persons in one, a certain personality and story to tell to particular people, slowly weaving an imaginary life...but one day, when that paper mache lantern cover gets ripped off, full bulb exposed......there will be no where to hide, no shadows to cover, only the light....only, the truth........

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Close Friends by Adema

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 4:25 PM

April 11, 2005

My life falls back into another depression

CURRENT MOOD: Empty

Back to nothingness I suppose, and here i sit, typing away, without a single bit of....well anything....I am lost, confused...and for once, the music can't seem to explain just what course my life is taking this time....how can I survive without the music? how am I suppose to explain, what it is this time? You know, I feel so empty, so worthless.....i just really let the whole world down, and when I am down, there goes the world, elated, flying away, floating on it's wonder drugs....and if I am not the cause for your happiness...who is? I just want, to make people happy....that's all I care about....but I can't, he gets into one of his moods again, and i try so hard, to get him to smile, but his mind is on other things, other people, not on me....so I quit....then I turn around and he is laughing, smiling, so happy without me....is that what he needs? my absence? I don't want to let him go, but I know, he could just care less if I did.....I care about him so much, I care so much about his happiness, but why, I ask, can't he see it? It's it obvious? How I go about my day, just to make him smile, even if it hurts me in the end? But when, at the end of the night, I am awake at one in the morning, thinking of him, wondering, if he is thinking of me, or just asleep, in another state of his dreamless trance....and I try to hold him, but he pushes me away, I wipe my shoulder clean for him to cry on, I wait, patiently, for him to tell me how he feels, but he shuts down on me.....why does he shut down on me? And I feel empty, useless, worthless....and I stare at the sunny skies, thanking god that he can warm my heart, and for a few moments, i can dream of the life i will have, and people who i can make happy, and friends who care, and a place where i belong.....and here come's the shadows again, slowly creeping their way towards me, hiding the sun, hiding the warmth....i want to cry...just sit down, plug in my earphones, and let everything i have been holding in for the past couple of months spill out in one big splurge of psychotic emotions and desperate wailing......but I can't, I have to keep up the act, I have to laugh, smile, go on as I was yesterday....because i don't want anyone to see me cry....no, i care not if you see me cry, what i really care about, is that i will be there, crumpled on the floor crying, and him, and everyone, would just walk by....not caring, not noticing, not stopping to say, "hey, is everything alright?"....no...people will never say that, not where I am, not where i live....they will walk on, thinking to themselves....god, what a drama queen....i don't know if it's just me, or whether everyone here thinks i am a villian, an evil crazy bitch, deserving to be put down to sleep......I think i am correct when I say people here...in this place, could care less about me...despite how hard i try to care about them...and the people who care...are too far away to hold....too far away, to really do anything.......everyone, seems to be too far away for me to hold....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Somewhere Out There by James Ingram and Linda Ronstadt

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 6:08 PM

March 14, 2005

Just another thought

CURRENT MOOD: Lonely

i feel so alone, again. yeah i have a great many friends now, but i still have this gap in my life, this emptiness in my soul that just can't be fulfilled. I have so many great people to talk to now. There's jackie, one of the few female friends I have. She's great to laugh with, & joke around with when it comes to eye candy. A great stress reliever and break from daily life's problems. Then there is Arnulfo, yeah I don't talk to my "fiancee" very much, but those times we get to hang out, is just so great, like our own little world where laughter can cure all illnesses and anything can be turned into an adventure, where things i normally can't tell anyone else are told, and i can let it all out, without him spilling it to the world. Then there is some new friends I made too, like Travis, from New York. He has so much hope, and is so enthusiastic about our friendship. He is like a male replica of me, with similar interests, and similar thoughts, much like the older brother i always wanted but never could have. Then there is Brian, from New Jersey, definitely on my top ten list for the most sincere/kindest guy i met so far. He can talk to me about anything and everything, and instead of me giving all the input, he usually always has something to say. And he makes me feel so great about myself, and tells me about himself, instead of me just jabbing away about my life. Plus, he is one of the VERY RARE examples of true spiritual love, and how there are people out there you can just connect with on such a deep level, a connection i sought for with someone for years, and more years to come......Then there is Paul, yeah just mr. bunny rabbit i known since Middle School, and good company when there is really nothing to do at school. Very trustworthy, and although a little wussy at times, true to his heart. He will make a girl really happy one day, one who would make him just as joyful. And last, but not least, Albert......this guy is the most perplexing and contradicting personalities i met so far. He is one whom knows me for who I really am. He the one who knows my life better than anyone else on this earth, besides me of course. He knows my fears, my dreams, he has seen my tears, and my smiles. Although he may be disappointing at times, and has broken my heart more than once, he has shown himself worthy of my love when it really counts. Now, I know all these great people, and so many more that I just have not the time to mention, but there is one flaw in all of this, I still feel so empty. Some of these people i can't see, I can't hug, I can't be comforted by unless its over the phone, but its not the same. The different time zones plays a big toll on my heart, because sometimes when you just feel bad, or just want to go out and get your mind off of things, you can't, just cause they are too far away......Then the others I see daily, there are just some people that you show a certain side of yourself. You can't cry infront of them, you can't ask to be held, because you see them everyday, and I am not one who likes to show weakness in front of others.....I hear of this deep connection one can have with another....I hear of it often......Something that goes far beyond how much one knows of the other, or how many things people have in common......a connection that intertwines the souls so that they become one, no its not love, its just, a true love, one that does not involve holding hands, kissing, and cupid flying around w/ its arrows....no not at all....its a deep appreciation for another soul. that baths your heart in a silver bowl, cleansing it of impurities of the past with warm, rose-scented compassion.......that just makes you feel, brand new.....no lust, no longing, just absolute love, a love of a mother and child, a love of a caring god and faithful follower, the innocent love of two elementary school children, your first best friend whom you thought you would live as roommates and experience life at its fullest together.......of course in a world as tainted as ours, with its everlasting desires of the flesh and frantic searching for "the one" to spend your life with, no one stops, and listens. Just sit down, and let your soul mate come to you. Not your soul mate in the sense of the one you would marry, but that, someone just for you, that person who can make everything right, a friend who can turn your world upside down and the both of you just have the greatest of time putting it right back up. Just someone to fill the emptiness in one's heart, to make life just so much clearer, so much more hopeful, so much worth living for.......a great friend i once had, whom knows nothing of me, and can't name my favorite color, can't recall the crush i had in the fourth grade, but whom i feel at ease with, feel like myself, feel just.....so brand new

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Think of Me by Sarah Brightman

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 6:15 PM

March 1, 2005

Oh so tired

CURRENT MOOD: Useless

I don't know what's been going on lately, but i been feeling...like i don't belong. I always think that people are talking behind my back, like everyone hates me and are in on it. I feel terrible, tired, and misunderstood. Why am I so much more different than everyone else? I want to be normal, I want to feel things that are normal. I don't want to be so sensitive and so paranoid of others. I want to have friends, and I want to know how to be a friend. But no one has patience to deal with me. No one has the capability to truly understand me, I mean as a person. I always do something wrong, or I always think the wrong way. My mind is so dark. I don't want to be anti-social. In reality, I am the friendliest person you ever met. I can open up to anyone. I guess that is my flaw. I let everyone in. I trust everyone too easily if they give me just a little attention. I am such an open book. I can tell anyone anything if they ask, which is why i feel so vunerable. I seem strong, independent, but deep down inside is a little pretty girl who just wants to feel like she belongs somewhere, with someone. Somewhere that I am not afraid to spill my emotions, my life....somewhere where I can be me, and people love me for it. Not here. This is not the place. Here people keep their feelings buried deep inside. Everyone is afraid to let people into their hearts. And just because I let everyone know how I feel, people hate me for it. When I am angry, I let you know how pissed off I am. When I am sad, I just don't want to be alone, I just want emotional support until i feel better about myself. I don't want advice, I don't want choices (unless I ask for it), I don't want people telling me how to live my life....I know what I could do, what should be done, I just want someone there to say, "hey, its alright. no matter what i'll be your friend, so have a hug, and just tell me what u want off ur back"....................................*sigh* Don't think my life is screwed up, don't think I am screwed up.....cause I am not....I am just me........A little insane, a little creepy, a little dark, a little sunny.....just a disproportional mixture of everything

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:41 AM

February 17, 2005

I am & will always be...

CURRENT MOOD: Gloomy

Yeah...ain't life great......? I feel just so alone..........hell yeah i got about 80 friends on myspace.com alone (for you who don't know, it's a website for friends to keep in touch & meeting new people) , but *sigh* what use is that now? I just can't get over it.....I am a complete failure....sure i get good grades, heck there are people who would give up anything to be me...to have my brains or my looks or my life, take it! i don't want it anymore...i never did....i never did anything right......i disappoint my family, i disappoint my friends, i disappoint my b/f (well now ex b/f)............I even disappoint myself.....what good is my life if i can't make people happy? it's hard enough as it is to keep myself happy, my job happy, my family happy, my friends happy, my school grades happy, my love(s)? happy.............*sigh* I am just not cut out for this life.....wake up at 6 am....make it to calculus by 7 am, go to work @ 9 am ( and I am lucky if i get to spend my 8:30 - 9:00 break with anyone besides Mr. Bear ), leave work @ 1:30 pm, make it home by 2 pm, take care of my 4 yr old bro till 4 am...then get about an hr or two of sleep................how do i do it? eh....just the part of my day i look forward to the most.....the reason i get up in the morning................but anywayz its all a waste.......cause of my hectic schedule i can't keep my (ex) b/f happy...and the little time i have to go out...well...he is just not there....we are two completely different people......he wants trust.....i want proof......he wants freedom.....i want to spend every possible moment with the one i love........he is spontaneous b4 12 pm......i am spontaneous after 12 pm...........yeah opposites attract, but how the hell can i keep him happy? how can he keep me happy? all i wanted was a guy there on call 24/7...that if i ever wanted to go out...he was there....that when he told me he was at home, well then....he'll be home....that when i show up at his doorstep unexpectedly, he opens the door with a loving smile and a big hug.........that if i ever wanted to be held, he'll rush to me, stroke my hair, and tell me everything will be alright.........does such a guy exist?............maybe, but no.....there is no someone just for me....someone who meets my needs and i meet his, no compromises, no questions asked....someone willing to show me proof, and me willing to put them b4 everyone else in life..........*sigh* should i change i ask? why yes...i should, cause well I will never met such a guy, alby is the closest thing i got....the only one i got......i don't want to make him feel like crap for me being me.....it's just how i am....who i am....blame my mom, blame my life, blame those damn disney films.....it don't matter...i still will be me *meow* v_v why does life have to be so lonely? so cold? so bitter? why was i programmed to feel pain......................? *sigh* well at least i have UC Berkeley, $28,000 scholarship, my fully functional body, my cracked and scarred heart...poor little thing....u are still so willing to love, & be loved....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Fly Away From Here by Aerosmith

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 9:45 PM

February 12, 2005

This is not the blog I intended...oh well

CURRENT MOOD: Distressed

yes in place of the happy go lucky entry i had written earlier....i decide to write this piece of crap.............yeah things are back to normal now....i am sad, lonely, and sick...........bleh.............well at least everyone else is happy, right? things are back to normal......albert's out there in his own little world.....my anti-social skills are hurting me for the worse in my solitude, but hey who am i to blame? the few i accept as socially companionable are out there living their own lives.......*sigh* and here comes V-day...whoop de doo.....yeah, buy me off for a day, make me smile, then leave me in the dark again while u play with ur friends..........i made one more enemy i can't call my own........click click...the computer will always be my friend...HAHAHAHA you can never leave me!!! *computer crashes* oh bother.........lol..............*looks at empty space besides her computer* i wish i had something to read........something to do besides damn homework..... *looks down* i am so alone...................

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Hardest Thing by 98 Degress

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 10:27 PM

"L" is for the way you look at me

CURRENT MOOD: Peaceful

Love, a four letter word that can hold so much joy, so much pain, so much compassion, that many have died for it, lived for it, and even waited for it. But how do you know you found love? Even worse, how does love know it found you? Throughout our lives we make decisions that closes doors and opens windows. Cliche, I know....but these choices we make defines who we are, and determines who we'll become. But you never know what is the right choice for you, until after you had made your decision.........

***Once upon a lonely girl's heart, was a dream of (just like ever other fairy tale you hear) finding her prince charming. Of course she was in love, and her boyfriend was as far away from prince charming as you can get...lol...but she wanted so much more out of her relationship, she wanted someone who will fulfull her every need and every wish. The boyfriend tried as hard as he could to keep up with the demand, but with life being as unpredictable as it is, bumps were hit along the way that made both of their hearts hurt just a little bit more. But the girl didn't expect anything more than what her boyfriend could offer. She accepted the heartache, she accepted the disappointment, of course she would, because she loved her boyfriend, and her loved her back. Sadly, the heart wanders off, and in that vunerable moment of pity and desperation, a defenseless heart crosses her path...or maybe it was the other way around.............???........This guy, he was just so heartbroken, so sad, so lonely, sitting there one toxicating thought after another with no glimpse of hope, (well....except for one, no, no, thats a forbidden fruit too sweet to taste......didn't stop adam or eve now did it?).......But how can she not offer him a hug? It was one of her boyfriend's good friends, he needed comforting, and she was just so good at that. One hug would never hurt....(never say never). Days passed, they became closer, this guy and her. What are others making of it? The boyfriend couldn't be there as much as this guy can, too many reasons beyond explanation excused him from being there in her life so often. Were they just good friends? Yes, why, yes they were! But this guy, he liked her. Loved her?....just infatuated by her.....?......Who knows? only she knows. Only she will be the one who ever knows.....They were perfect for each other, for that little time, it was perfect. Someone just for her. Someone just for this guy. Where was the boyfriend? As any good boyfriend, he knew, he knew all along. But he also knew something else. That love was just so much more than that. History with someone is hard to erase. The tears, the smiles, the fights, and the laughter....it's all too much to compete with, even for this guy who was just so perfect, so beautiful. This guy had the adoration, he had the devotion, he had the smile, he had the heart......he had everything a girl could ask for, well....almost everything. He didn't have the patience. Love, like all things, require patience. No, It was never love, just stubborn infatuation. The girl, she had patience, she was strong till the end. She knew, she knew this guy will never love her, as much as the boyfriend. Despite how much more the girl deserves, how much more qualified this guy is, he just doesn't know. Just doesn't know what love is. Or maybe, just maybe, he already knew......So there he goes, breaking his first heart, making his first girl cry, so many firsts.....she was glad it was herself, cause she can tolerate the pain. She's just so used to it on so many levels. But it was nice, lovely perhaps. Here comes the boyfriend again, sorry for not being good enough, sorry for not trying harder, sorry for not being there when she asked. He was ready to leave, just so she can be happy. (hush you and your nonsense *smiles*) But likes always, the boyfriend had the patience, the boyfriend waited till she realized what he knew all along. That despite the boyfriend's flaws, the fights, and his few bad habits, he loves her more than anyone ever could. He will always love her, she will always love him. He will always hold her hand, and even when she strays away, he'll be there to catch every tear, ready to let go if she asked him too.....***

Love is not how much you have in common, or how much you know about each other, but its a test of strength. When you can wait forever and a day for your love to return to you, when you know that an eternity later your love will still be there, then hey....you found it, or love found you.....It doesn't matter how tingly he makes you feel, how much she makes you smile, well of course its part of love, but, what really matters is how long s/he'll wait. Cherish the loved ones your have now, don't make YOUR love wait one day more for you. Tell that girl you liked since 7th grade how you feel for her (mr. bunny rabbit), tell that boyfriend you had for over a year just how much you care, tell your secret desire that you'll wait for their love until the end of time........because the worst thing you can do is miss that opportunity for another hug, another kiss............(maybe another lifetime)...........Appreciate whose thoughts are with you, and whose heart you have.

***......everything happens for a reason....and as Valentine's Day draws near, the girl is just so glad, that not only does she spend it with someone she loves, but she spends it with someone who loves her right back.
Happily ever after.***

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Enjoy The Silence by Depeche Mode

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 8:21 PM

November 23, 2004

This is quite lovely

CURRENT MOOD: Thoughtful

In the darkest hour of night,
weeds blossom into roses as
silver moonlight falsely plays
beauty upon an ebony screen.
Painting crimson lies, bold strokes,
unto my life; a white canvas
tainted with emerald obsession,
jaded hopes and dreams.
You blinded me with a velvet cloak
sprinkled with glittering promises;
Shattered to starlit torture
piercing the deep charcoaled sky.
You hid from my logic, unawares,
white hot fire feeding upon truth,
liberating truth, as you have held
my hands over my starry eyes.
Rewind me to memories of yesterday!
Doused with enamored smiles, feigned.
Powdered in tender kisses, insincere.
Sitting upon carpeted grass under daunting trees.
My artificial sweetener, hold me close
for I have succumbed to your charms.
Unwillingly have I fallen again
for dark pretenses in the name of,
love, vicious bittersweet love.
Phantoms of haunting desire
have riddled my virgin heart,
as frostbitten fire licks my body.
Remorseful sorrow crying her tears.
You taught me to love a tragic love.
You showed me excruciating anguish.
You led me into the depths of hell.
Masquerading as an angel rescuing me
from the horrors of solitude, you set me
apart from supposed evils stalking my soul.
Waltz with me! Swirling and twirling!
Dizzying the mind into drunken stupor.
Ignorance of the sweet, innocent spirit
has yet to save me from imminent doom.
I bow to the man who educated me
in the arts of uncertainty, and of course
the confidence of paralyzing insanity.
Throwing me into a downward spiral,
Forgive and forget, forgive and forget.
I can now watch for harlequin knights,
foolheartedly reciting love for women,
entranced by the serenity of the verse.
Now day breaks into the pervasive night
and roses wither away into dust, deathly dust,
as hearts grow fondly over lessons learned.
You, always there, and my pain lives on.

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: My Immortal by Evanescence

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:07 PM

November 1, 2004

to all the ladies!!! (men are urged to read)

CURRENT MOOD: Enraged

men are pigs...no doubt about it...my fiery critical side is up for the test...and here i am back where i was about a year ago...yes all u men out there are SLOBS!! sex-crazed maniacs looking for a one night stand.....but damn those women who are all "in love" and helpless and playing damsel in distress...hey i can critisize you cause i was in those shoes...but damn it....what year are we in? 2005? time for women to rules and for men to follow whether they like it or not......no more begging.....no more of all this sappy "oh boo whoo i need you" SNAP OUT OF IT!!! yeah i can say all this cause my dad was one of them....i dont want to brag....who wants to brag about a father who has gotten my mom pregnant at the age of 15...then forced her to have an abortion, having sex with her again in the very waiting room of the hospital when her abortion was to be had.....yeah most men find that "kinky"....well you guys are fucking sick bastards!!!! then my father has the nerve to get my mom pregnant 2 more times, two more abortions....i was a miracle child...all these years my mom lead me to believe i survived after 3 miscarriages....yeah i survived from my fathers hate.....he even abused me in my first 6 months of life.....which explains my hideous appearence.....men are such gross bastards!! i would kill every man on this earth....well u may say there are acceptions....of course there are "always" exceptions...guess what missy.....every man on this earth has been a good for nothing mofo....every man i know has used a girl at least once......every man i know..........don't you ladies deny it...and dont u ladies fall for it....if its love...then he will fight damn hard to win u over again and again...as many times as it will take...dont fall easy!!!!!!! dont!!!! i know, this is an area i am well experienced in....and if there are men out there who are "pure and true" well every women should doubt u...and how do u correct this wrong done on u? make every man realize his stoneage urges are kinda not up to date.....well women weep for loved ones lost....then party the next day....life made me cynical...and showed me some pretty fucked up shit...and now i am not being the ignorant woman protected from "bad things" as in the victorian age...no i am gonna see it...and call it as i see it.....

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 9:36 PM

October 15, 2004

A little taste for you

CURRENT MOOD: Artistic

I write a whole bunch of poetry....i never know if any of it is good....but i cannot ever find a name for any of them...if u mind reading through them and suggesting names...that would be great!!!

??????..1
In all the days to come
In all the ends to see
In all the years gone by
In all the dreams to be
She prayed a wish so sweet
She led a life so torn
She wondered on & on
Hopelessly forlorn
Now she walks this night
No purpose in her course
But to be relieved
From burning sweet remorse
The stars they glisten bright
The moon weeps silver tears
The wind kisses her cheeks
The dark brings comforting fears
Destruction smiles at her
While Death offers his hand
She steps into everlasting sleep
Comsumed in a dream so grand

??????..2
Another slap in the face
The mark is still there
Lying on the porcelain floor
Staring at the blank ceiling above
The light pours through the window
Into the humid, empty room
With it's pure white walls
Same song playing over again
My heart in a flutter
An expectancy waits for something to come
Drenched in a lonesome life
Eyes wide open taking in the sun
A thousand thoughts clash
Compressed into one tiny box
Awaiting to submerge into the open
But I threw away the key
Best left with myself
Out of faith, compassion, and hope
I don't miss it all that much
But your presence still lingers in my room

??????..3
I was almost there
Thought I had your heart
Someone new walked in
Tearing us apart
Left in a freezing cold sea of darkness
Since your light flickered out
My only source of warming compassion
Gradually taken away, since I lost my grip
Salty rivers run down my cheeks
Stinging the open wounds left by you
A thousand needles stab my heart
As you slowly tear apart my life
Everyday my mournful eyes meet
Painful images of you with her
You turn to look at me
And my eyes whisper the anguish I feel to your soul
A plastered smile hides my frown
Hiding my tormented and tortured mind
You know how badly I want you
Each minute brings emptiness that consumes my body
Yet, you still chose her...
You chose her, knowing her lies
You chose her, playing her games
You chose her, seeing her disguise
And in the end, you would have still chosen her…

??????..4
Your welcoming, smiling face
Outreached hands beckon my soul
Inviting me to come closer
Puzzling thoughts overflow my mind
Why are you here?
Why do I desire your company?
Why do you leave me so cold and needy?
Just standing there so still and silent
Yet coming closer, like the future that awaits me
Yes! You know what awaits me!
That is the secret you hide behind your smiling lips
Help me put my life back together
Or why should I want the life I so desired to leave?
And every time I close my eyes to rest, there's you
Haunting my life and following every step, just you

??????..5
Those never ending lies
Those flaws of mine you say I hold
Those that I so despise
Plentiful harvest of my defects
All of which I believe
Mind clouded in a senseless fog
Truth I can never retrieve
Masked by another's definition
Unknowing if it's right
Do I possess all these faults?
Truth once again out of sight
Lost in a world of another's expectations
Drenched in the darkness of supposed sins
Eyes cloaked by the black of night
Left wondering who I am within
Am I the horrid wrench they say I be?
Never am I understood or heard
Am I the forsaken failure without a purpose?
My identity a side effect of blighted lives

??????..6
Enter the chambers of my tortured mind
Hopeful dreams running through its corridors
Unfulfilled wishes are all that you'll find
Lying bryond the forbidden door
Here I hand you the silver key
To my mind, heart, and empty soul
Illuminate this damp, darkened alley
Ignite the fire that once fed on ebony coal
Whisk me away from shadows of broken dreams
Don't leave me in the Artic's cold
Waiting to be shown what true love means
Hoping to be rescued from solitude's hold
Lead me into an eternity of bliss
Bask me in your compassionate glow
Warm my frozen heart with your heated kiss
Save me from a lifetime of woe

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: When You're Gone by The Cranberries

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 10:30 PM

The Point of No Return

CURRENT MOOD: Restless

what sweet seduction has tempted my ill-fated life?
you must not know what i have done
for in my life are deadly secrets that can poison the soul
my tragic life is best never figure out

i live my life this way with purpose
directed by the blinded, shattered heart
being haunted by memories and fantasies
living in the world painted over my eyes

don't drag yourself into my mess
these troubled waters are mine alone to bath in
you must realize this is how i live and how i survive
i abandon reality and let the dream sink in...

what do you choose?
don't espect me to change
i warn you that these are dangerous grounds
for i play harzardous games with heart...

what do you choose?
i am not fully what you thought me to be
i care less if you continue to figure me out...
though it is not an easy task...

i know not of right or wrong
often blending in imagination with reality
you wish to be dragged downward?
to accompany my lonely heart and empty soul?
to ignite the flame that once burned bright?

so why does it matter that i seek all that causes pain?
leave and save yourself if you wish
leave my side and let my heart be...
i am used to walking this alone
it's your choice what to do...

i know my way and i know what i must do
no, it may not be for the best but does it matter?
for i've past the point of no return
my escape route is lost and there's no turning back now
i chose my way through the dark and haunted forest

will you follow? do you wish to lead
lead into the night of the dead
too late to change my ways, my future...
either steer clear of impending doom
or come with the deepest chambers of my hell

our strange meeting may not be fate
an ususual crossing of two black paths
or it can be destiny to walk together through insanity
but no one watching you can save you now
this choice is your own to make

i have warned you of what's to come
phantoms of hate darken the alleys of my mind
do not judge by what you have seen of me
for this white mask says nothing of my hidden face
when others see my true self...they run in fear
in fear of harm i cause...they can't stand my pain and torment

so are you ready to cross that bridge?
you really think you can stand to suffer?
then take the risk with me and hold no regret
watch safety disappear from the darkness of my world
no backward glances or second chances
as we pass the point of no return

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Past The Point Of No Return from The Phantom Of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 10:10 AM

October 12, 2004

Am I worth Anything?

CURRENT MOOD: Scared

I am evaluating my life...my traits...my self....and i am slowly finding more and more things to hate.....have i really became worse than i once were? being so love obsessed and fearing the loathsome status of solitude....i mean what is so great about me anyhow....i dont trust people....i fear everyone with an abstract idea that everyone would someday betray me.....i fear being alone...unloved....for i have already tasted the sweet dizzying wine of love.....but the cup is locked away.....and i am with no key or means of opening the cupboard........for the past month...maybe longer...i been living with this terrible physical condition.....my heart burns icy hot.....my skin feels ablaze with the most unplesantness....and i am falling further and further into comformity.....super-glueing my happy face so that i may somehow manipulate myself into believeing that i am happy.....my sanity is holding on by a weak thread.....but luckily i am seeking help from few people whom i consider valuable resources.....seeking temporary infatuation is not helping..... indulging myself into mountains of schoolwork does not get my mind off of my flaws......i hate how weak i have become.....i hate how superficial and materialistic i am....i need the straight As, the college degree, the money making job to be considered successful....but will i ever be happy? i find the only time i am happy is in small bouts of solitary walks through beauty, such as steeping myself in words of fictional realms, or feeding off the perfection of impressionist art, or even nature..........i can lose myself in the passion of my music, but the ecstacy can only live for so long......what kind of monster have i become? to allow myself to wear so many faces to so many different people and losing track of what i show to who.....even to the ones whom i thought i could show the deepest truest form of myself has asked me to once again put on my happy play of quick smiles and utter perfection.........understand i am a bitch! i care not if i believe that i am better than you all!!! but of course my own critic tells me that i do not deserve to breath the same air as such fantastic beings as yourselves.......maybe the reason i despise so many is because i am jealous of your clarity, your talents, your strength......and here i am splattering pathetic tales on your screen.....hoping for some words of truth and encouragement.....all i long for is truth.....and belonging.....i want to belong somewhere .........i yearn for truth....blinding truth, stinging truth....deadly truth....no matter the effect on my soul.........my dearst you see me here before your very eyes wasting away to a heap of shit......nothing more than shit.... longing for acceptence....my own acceptence....i make mistakes... but i blind my eyes from truth so that i may live knowing that i was right......i made the right choices....ha....so very funny......can i so easily walk away from all my responsibilities, my expectations, my goals....just to be free......should i go ahead and tear myself down and tell myself YOU WERE WRONG!!!....the saddest thing is that i knew...i knew all along i was wrong........pathetic me.....look at you trying to find sympathy....you became the very thing you hate....how i hate myself......of course to correct my wrongs i will have to go through a long series of torturous tasks.....*sigh* here we go again....have any of you read The Awakening by Kate Chopin? Such a truthful book...in many ways i relate myself to the protagonist, Edna.....i am too weak to fully break away from social double standards, and i am in desparate need for love....but i am also too weak...to well grounded on this earth...to attempt suicide....as much as i fondle and water the idea with my thoughts.....i cannot let go of this earth....for i fear the afterlife....i fear i do not deserve eternal happiness....or i fear that my beliefs of guardian angels and protecting entities will be smashed to oblivion...and i will melt away into non-existence....not being able to let any of you know that there is nothing after this life.......

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Giving In by Adema

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 6:56 PM

March 24, 2004

Another Sad Song

CURRENT MOOD: Depressed

I find myself crying more and more each day....harder and harder each night...and my heart feels like its being squeezed tighter and tighter each time i see him.....i loath people wallowing in a pathetic life grieving for a past love...and i tell each one of them "GET OVER IT!" but once again my expanding mind reaches a new level of conscienceness....i contradict myself once again....as my hands shake...trying to type up my soul'd cry...i realize i done it again and set myself for another broken..........well i should not hate people for their traits first of all....cheerleaders, suicidals, pathetic losers, sex crazed maniacs, i should not abhor a single one...for we too want to be them, would be like them, if only we lived their life in their mind....but back to my heart wrenching story...........like any other human on this earth i too am not perfect, maybe to the eyes of some but guess what, i am not....i need advice once again from the ones who know me the best...or those who know life's motives the best....i am not ashamed of what i done....or not ashamed of what i do...well....let us speak hypothetically.....*sigh* i am not sure if i am even allowed to say this much.....for i do not have consent from the other party....oh well.....i love him....if you know who it is then great.....but i really do....i would not be here if it weren't for him....whether you want to take it as living here today, or in my current mental instability....i cannot let go of him....and he is always there....i could hold him...i could hug him....i could kiss him....but worst of all i can see him....i see him day to day knowing that i could not have him....knowing he would not have me....he probably wont read this....most likely....but why do i have to see him everyday....with the possibility that i may lose him...to someone prettier, smarter, or just better than me.....once again this all goes back to survival....every other female predator out there is a threat to me, is threatening me......but it just goes so much deeper than that.....oh i trust him and what he says to me.....but why does it seem like....something else....Dr. Jekyll stop making my life a living hell and let me trust....or are you protecting me from getting too deep? and here i am setting up for another broken.............well i guess i cannot ask for advice if i am giving you nothing to work with here.....and dont assume you know what is going on...for like everything else in my life.....the layers of complication this single issue goes into is....well deep..........my lord i wish i could break away....i wish i had no eyes to see girls swarming about him....i wish i had no ears to hear his compliments to others.........i wish i had no taste so this bitterness on my tongue would cease.....i wish i had no smell so not to sense the cheap perfume of other women on his clothing.......i wish i had no touch, so that i would never notice that he is not holding me right now.......all i have to do is wait.......but even then is that single seemingly distant impossibility......i am not patient..........there is nothing to occupy my mind......no one to distract me....perhaps i allow no one to distract me......but do i really want to set myself up for another broken heart?

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:30 AM

March 22, 2004

Masks....You should read

CURRENT MOOD: Disappointed

yeah don't you love them....the masks people put on to hide what they fear most...themselves...whether its for protection from the outside...or maybe just to look "cool".....people use them all the time....people are too AFRAID to be naked....just come out with the truth despite what others think...i hate it when some put on a show for attention, or so to be recognized as one who is just so awesome.....but really....your not....damn it, if a person can't just be honest to others...and to themselves...then they are no better than spooners! (mindless blond cheerleader robots who giggle like fucking retards) use your own mind and take off your damn mask.....don't cover up who you are and don't try to ERASE yourself....cause it will never happen...you will always be you and one day people will figure out who you are.....and then they would hate you....no, they won't hate you for who you are...but they would hate you for who you are trying to pass off as.....once you can master a little thing called the truth, and be bold enough to step out in the sun in your own skin then you will find happiness and wisdom....and no longer will your life be solely dependant on your desire to be accepted...but you can finally live for yourself

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Magic's In The Make-Up by No Doubt

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:01 AM

March 20, 2004

Stupid Jerks Who look for Stupid Sluts

CURRENT MOOD: Pissed Off

Don't you hate it when guys eye a woman as if she were a piece of meat?? a trophy to be won?? a test of "manlihood" if he had sex with her??? well...i say this...ALL OF YOU SHOULD GO TO HELL!!! i hate it how men go up to a woman and say "hey sexy...wat u doin??" with their lame "charisma" and distinctive smell of immaturity...god...for example...today...i signed on to find that my profile has been viewed 142 times!!! now i am wondering how that could be if it was viewed 50 times yesterday...then checking my mailbox i find it littered with the expectant calls of horny men trying to find a one night cyber stand...now i think i speak for all well dignified & well-kept woman who say..DON"T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!! i mean ok...if u are trying to find a slut i understand..it is ur pathetic life not mine...and if u are a slut trying to give ur life away...the please do so..but god...if u are goning to send an invite into ur stupid life (or your antsy pants) then do a little background check & see if they are even interested!!! I for one cannot stand men who have their "friends" spaces filled with half naked sluts & all too willing prostitutes...so next time u see this face...or this profile..BACK OFF!! YOU LAME, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, LOWER THAN THE PRIMATIVE BEINGS WHO ONCE STAGGERED THIS EARTH SLOBS!!!!! unless you are one of the few people with morals and a sense of dignity who actually want to meet someone cool...then feel free to email me!! i am willing to meet anyone who owns their mind and body..not rent it out for $1.25 an hour....thank you and have a nice day

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Stronger by Britney Spears

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 10:07 PM