August 11, 2007
Somewhere, Someday
CURRENT MOOD: Wishful
Yeah, it has been awhile since I last seen you. Of course I'm speaking to that little page on movabletype that I use to frequent so often in years past. This page that I would turn to in order to type my deepest thoughts and feelings on those days I was feeling a little too low. It's been awhile since I've hit that "create new entry" button. Of course that doesn't mean I don't have entries written up from my hiatus to update this page with; it just means that I didn't have the time nor the tools to allow you to invade my privacy. Yes, this time I am referring to you, the reader. How clich"accentmark-e" - I was too lazy to find out how to put that little accent mark above that e - well folks, that's my writing for you.
Life, as everybody must know by now, is by far the most complicated little puzzle. What is so great about life (as well as the most annoying) is that when you think you put all the pieces together, little brother comes along and jumbles the puzzle up again... sometimes even eating a piece or two. Of course little brother can come in the form of many things: romance, money, health, business, school, etc. Always a new threat, well, for the lucky its alway a new threat. For me, it's same ol' same ol'. I'm always stupid enough to think that Mr. "I'm gonna screw up your jigsaw" is really Mr. "i'm gonna make sure the pieces stick this time". Oh well. It's not the end of the world... right?
It's not necessarily like my life has gotten all complicated again, if anything, it's far from it. It's just that for once I thought I really found some stability. Something tangible and that I can hold on to for the rest of time while everything else around me changes. Philosophers and prophets alike say "change is good". Well, tell that to the people who throw away twenty dollars worth of pennies, nickels, and dimes... Change is inevitable, no matter how you look at it, but its nice to just have a few stable dollar bills. Okay, enough with the puns... but really, my life would be so much better if there was one thing I can have for the rest of my life. Friends come and go, family is wedged with distance (not to mention is only good in small doses), school only last a few years, careers can only go so far, and as for residence... well, I migrate just about as much as swallows from summer to winter. One thing that I thought was a guarantee to stay with me for the rest of my life was a partner. Boyfriend, husband, whatever. I want a man who will stay by my side no matter what. Is that really much to ask for? In my case, its seems like the answer to that question is yes.
I'm an old fashioned romantic stuck in the modern age of independent women who need nothing more than the occasional physical indulgence. Men who come and go as they please and us women who are expected to just move on to the next entree (another accent mark please). Yes, those women are revered. Business women who rule the world and has everybody at her feet. Doesn't anybody believe in marriage anymore? Are there any women out there who still dream of finding a prince charming and living a quiet little wifely life?
It's not that I am going to be content with just being a tiny housewife. I want my own career and I want to help bring food to the table, but I want someone to share my life with. Current boyfriend says that one is never free unless one lives for oneself. He doesn't see a future with me, and just sees me as convenient for the moment. He doesn't understand how people can even have the desire to be with someone until they die... people should live for themselves and no one else. Well, as true as that may be, my desire to wear a pretty silver ring on my left hand is in my eyes the perfect way to live for myself. I want someone to love me forever and ever, and remember me when I die. So really, I guess in some way its a desire to be immortal.
The afterlife is a scary thing to think about. Sure you can believe in your god, but what if your wrong? I am not saying you are, but, just... what if? or what if you worshiped the wrong way and destined for an eternity in pain? No one knows what happens, we just all have theories... and thinking about death is a scary thought. The unknown is a scary thought... that's why we are afraid of the dark. But if I can have one person remember me with love, then my death won't be so bleak. My existence in that persons mind would be blissful. In that person's mind, I won't be forgotten in some void. I won't disappear, I won't suffer in flames, but in his head, I can have a happy afterlife... because that is really the only place we are guaranteed to be after we pass on. Only in thoughts and dreams.
Well, maybe all hope is not lost, I'm still young, and I still have plenty of time to find my prince, but it just seems wrong to still love the one I'm sleeping next to now. It's like I'm cheating on my husband to be. Current boyfriend says just enjoy the time we have together, but all I think is that he just wants someone to fuck for awhile. Is there a point in being with someone when you know it's going to end? What about if being with current boyfriend means missing out on the chance to meet future husband? Well, unfortunately my questions reach out to an absent audience... or a mute audience... who knows? One thing is for sure... one day I'll find another love.
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG:
Someday My Prince Will Come by Cassandra Wilson
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 01:22 AM | Comments (0)