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March 20, 2007
it is never enough. it never ends. they were there all along.
CURRENT MOOD: Teary-Eyed
I try, to keep calm, to stay happy, to look at the brighter side of life... but its never enough. for those of you who knew the old me, you would dare recall the old me, the me that always let life's little mistakes get her down, the me who got so easily hurt, so easily depressed. I use to so easily give up. Now, I've become someone different. Someone who doesn't let things get to her, and tries her best to keep strong. But at a certain point, it just doesn't seem like its enough.
There always has to be something going wrong in my life, just this time, the mistakes, the wrongdoings, the mishaps were all happening behind my back. People think I'm too fragile, that I can't handle the truth, that I can't handle reality, and instead, keep me thinking that everything is okay. It's family, its friends, it's everyone. Just stop goddamn trying to protect me. I'm going to fucking find out sooner or later.
I apologize for being annoying, I apologize for bothering too much, I'm sorry I can't help you, I'm sorry for just everything I ever done. I hate that I have no control over what's going on right now. Before, I blamed everything on myself, and now, I know its not my fault, and it hurts so much, because there is also nothing I can do about it.
There are a million things I am talking about right now, and I just don't feel like writing it all up. Why? because, now I'm feeling selfish for taking your time. For asking for your pity, your sympathy, your condolences. I feel goddamn selfish asking for all this pathetic attention that I don't deserve.
I feel alone again. Sure, you can all say your there for me, but I still feel alone. I can be in a room full of people right now, and I would still feel alone. Thing is, I want to be alone. Right now, I enjoy this solitude. I am starting to loath all those I loved. God. I don't want to turn back into me again. I wish I was someone lovable, desirable, someone good, someone worth a damn. Someone with some sort of appeal, but deep down inside, despite all I say about myself, I feel there is nothing appealing about me at all.
I'm sorry for the troubles, I'm sorry for the pain, I'm sorry for the worries, the tears, the uncertainty, the guilt, the doubt, the annoyance, the regret, the anxiety, the temptation, the mistrust, the disloyalty, the hurt, the lack of better things to say and better ways to say it.
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG:
See You Soon by Coldplay
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:10 PM | Comments (0)