« November 2006 | Main | January 2007 »
December 09, 2006
"You won't believe me if I tell you what I have in front of my eyes" -Blindness
CURRENT MOOD: Really Sad
There are many confessions people feel they have to make. Just as much as there are times, when one feels different, not normal; some even go as far as to say, insane. However, there is still about you, an air of rational conscious. Everyone has it. The characteristic which separates the "normal" from the "insane" is the willpower to follow that conscious. I am not calling myself insane, but I am not calling myself normal. I am human. I have human flaws. I make human mistakes. What I feel differs me from you, is that I don't learn from these human mistakes. I feel compelled to follow that unconscious Freudian desire. Yes, I feel different from you, because when I look in the mirror, I see a person I hate, a person I mistrust, a person who makes me cry simply because I know I am looking at myself.
I don't want to say you quite ever felt hopelessness like this. It is not a hopelessness, as if I had nothing to live for. It is more of a remorse for my future. For things that I will do, that I will regret, that I will hate myself for. For things that will become a part of my past, therefore, more a part of me. It is hopelessness because you know you will fall into the same cycle over and over again. That you are stuck in a rut that is imprinted in your genes.
You never questioned life like I have. To feel so bitter towards it. To really believe that this life is just a game; a big, pointless game. I try to imagine how other people can not feel this too. To think about birth, death, and the mindless wanderings that happen in between. How can I put myself, my conscious, outside of myself, look down, and see this girl, this socially labelled adult, who has no idea what she is doing. To see a life that really is worthless. Its not even a pity towards myself. Its not sympathy. Its not that I feel like I want to die. Its just seeing worthlessness.
I have a name, but sometimes that name doesn't seem to belong to me. Neither should this face belong to me. All that I feel I am, are the experiences; my experiences. I am my past. That is all I feel I am. I am my worst deed. I am my greatest failure. I am all the regrets that amass behind me; dragging along; holding me back.
I do feel obligation. I do feel pain. I do feel sorrow. I do feel loss. I feel envy. I feel pity. I feel love. I feel hate. I feel understanding. I feel hope. I feel shallow. I feel ugly. I feel tears running down my cheek. I feel the need to keep to myself. I feel the need to reach out to nothing & no one in particular. I feel anger. I feel guilt. I feel regret. I feel everything that you have felt.
The only thing I never felt,
The only thing I don't ever feel,
The only thing I will never feel,
Is human.
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Lilium by Kumiko Noma
Continue reading ""You won't believe me if I tell you what I have in front of my eyes" -Blindness"
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 05:38 AM | Comments (0)