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August 22, 2006
And now, a special announcement from our sponsers...
CURRENT MOOD: Nostalgic
Hm, I know there is much that is needed to be written and told before I write the conclusion to another unpredictably life-changing adventure.... but some things, firstly, cannot be said for the protection of myself and others, and also, this chapter that must be told is one that deserves our patience... since its a tale that needs much attention and detail when writing it.... but it will be told in due time my friend, in due time....
but back to the matter at hand... not only are these hours my last when it comes to my stay in good ol' Los Angeles... but it is also the end to another phase in my life... but like all things, in death, is life reborn... and i certainly feel just that, reborn....
well, not reborn in the sense where my life will change drastically, but then again... will it? I mean, I am changing my act, just a bit... I admit, my life the past year was a wild & crazy one... I am was jaded... i think thought i am was untouchable.... that the rules of life, society, & so on needed not apply to me..... but oh, how I was wrong... but sometimes I think, was I really?
sure, the past year I learned so much about myself... especially in the past summer... but life is not life without having learned something new... and I know I come here to crap out all the morals of the story and such... but hey, its what I do best... and I try to grow from it, go with it
well, I wouldn't call it quite growing, but going back to my roots... my oh, so innocent roots.... back in the days where I proudly would shout on the rooftops I loved Nick Carter & Backstreet Boys were my number one favorite band... back in the days where I would listen to the radio, waiting for one hit wonders like "I'm Blue (da boo de)" by Eiffel 65, "Mambo #5" by Lou Bega, "Angel" by Shaggy, & "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon... and though you may barely recognize the song title and not ever had heard of the artist... those of you 90s kids would certainly be able to hum along as I play them in my head...
In those days, guys weren't that big of a deal, sex was gross, you closed your eyes when watching sex scenes in movies, drinking wasn't the only way to have fun at a party, & being "open-minded" wasn't the latest craze.... but Pogs were all you needed to be "cool" & have friends....
yes, in the days I thought I knew everything, where intellectual arguments consisted of who was better, backstreet boys or nsync? and all that jazz... the days I didn't have to deal w/ beliefs in darwin contradicting w/ beliefs in god & trying to find the grey area in between... where make-up and short skirts & getting that guy's attention wasn't so important... to be a kid... simple, ignorant, and not caring if someone was "smarter" than you and had more complicated "opinions" than you
knowledge = pain... and ignorance is bliss... i want to go back to the days I was ignorant, when I didn't have to know what the fuck was going on in the world, & voice political views on this and that, & all that shit adults do...
i want to be a kid again, and stop pretending to be this adult I am not
I didn't live a full childhood, and this summer proves it... so before I go on... I have to go back to the beginning, and stop trying to grow up so fast... to make up for what I have lost...
my mistake was being older than I really was... my mistake, was maturing a little to quickly, and thinking I could take on life by skipping the basics... so here I go, back to the beginning, trying to find out what needs to be fixed in me, trying to find out what it was I am missing that makes me the insanely jaded/callous person i am today
i am not unbreakable, i am not untouchable, i am not an exception... i care not about being so freaking "smart" about this and that... i care not about being "open-minded" and trying to see the million sides to everything.... i want to have morals again, i want to see right & wrong, I want to have black & white.... i am tired of all this greyness, of all this space in between...
so we'll see what this new year brings... oh berkeley, what will you teach me now? I feel ready for what you bring next.... with my love by my side, my family in the bleachers, & my friends in the dugout... just let me hit this one out of the park, and Los Angeles, I'll run home soon.....
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Here's To The Night by Eve 6
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 03:17 AM | Comments (0)
August 16, 2006
It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Fucking Deathwish
CURRENT MOOD: Uneasy
Here I am... unbelieveable isn't it? today, sitting in some random mexican restaurant in my hometown... one week before I go back to UC Berkeley... oh what a summer this has been... oh what a life this has been....
my stepdad, my mom, my 6 year old brother... we sit there wondering exactly what to order, knowing we couldn't afford it... but pretending we could anyways....
"Why did you take all that stuff that night?"
that question just hit me all of a sudden... a dangerous curveball from my stepdad... what he was talking about, hadn't exactly been clear to me, until he explained what he was talking about....
The pills, those little blue sleeping pills.... *sigh* I know that night would haunt me forever, and it was made clear by these parents of mine that this would follow me for the rest of my life.... Me, little miss perfect, was stuck in a psychiatric hospital because I tried to kill myself....
He wanted to know why I did it... I knew exactly why I did it
Because I was hopeless... absolutely and utterly hopeless... even today, a dark sense fills me, that makes my heart either beat a little too fast or a little too slow... but i didn't want to tell him, I didn't want to tell him about my years of downward spiraling depression... about my two previous half-hearted attempts at suicide which no one knew about... about my past dangerous addictions to cutting up my left wrists as not only a punishment to myself, but also a punishment to those who have hurt me... those bloody red lines were the only physical proof I had that those I loved had hurt me....
I didn't want to tell him all that, neither did I want to tell my mom that she was one of those people who pushed me to do such things..... I didn't want them to feel guilty for my disease... it wasn't entirely their fault
so i just stared at my hands on my lap... secretly holding my phone & trying to txt a way out of this conversation... my mom tried to break the conversation w/ some light-hearted comedy... that's what I got from her... when things get too serious, make a joke out of it, and everything is fine.....
its funny how little worries can satisfy your hunger... how was it that I could have been so hungry? then all of a sudden, even the thought of food seemed unbearable.... but i had to eat, or else they would know something was wrong with me
my hands couldn't stop shaking, i had the shivers.... how did the room get so cold all of a sudden? is that heartburn? what is that cold-burning feeling inside my chest?
i couldn't stop moving, i just wanted to get out of there, i just wanted to go.... where? i dont know... i needed someone to talk to
Money... what happens if i have to drop out of college... just the thought of money makes me want to jump off a 30 story building... i can't fail at life, i can't... i can't be the one stuck living at home working at some mediocre job... I can't be the one everyone expected to succeed, and end up living on the streets....
what the hell is wrong with me?! if i was just normal, if i had just my normal thoughts, if i had not this "beautiful" mind of mine... my life, would be, so much, easier......
what am i gonna do when it comes time to pay for housing, tuition, loans..... scholarship deadlines, job applications... how can a child be expected to tolerate such responsibilities??????
I am not an adult... sure, i look like one, sure, i dress like one, sure, i can party like one.... but in the end, my heart and mind is no older than 15.... i can't do this... i can't do this... i really can't do this...
then, there is love, my love.... as hopeful as i want to stay that one day we'll be together, how exactly will that work? a benny & joon kinda relationship... except i am the only insane one, the only one with a mental condition..... i love him... i can't bring him down with me... i cannot bring him down with me... i have to let him go, but my life would lose so much meaning if i let him go....
there goes those chills again... how is it that without a moment's notice my body can shake so violently.....
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Mad World by Gary Jules
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 05:48 PM | Comments (0)
August 08, 2006
Can I meet you alone? Another night, & I'll see you...
CURRENT MOOD: Amazed
well, i never thought it would come to this... but i am so glad it has... its unbelieveable how perfect he is, and how, i had that perfection... sure, i have always admired the angelic beauty of a particular someone from afar... but never had i tasted its heaven... its absolute bliss... even amongst burning buildings, tumbling walls, earth shattering cries, worlds falling.... its still just, perfect... i have often held my love as the most important thing in my life, but for once, i feel, like he holds me as the most important thing in his life....
its beautiful, the little things he does... the little smiles, the little kisses, the little glances... being held in his arms, like everything in the world faded away, and nothing else mattered... his love makes all the pain and suffering worth it... even in times of hopelessness & despair, it was all worth it... his love, for me... to say that, just to say he has complete love for me... and to believe it, to really believe it... no doubt, no suspicion of it being otherwise...
trust in itself is a very beautiful thing
how is it that i can feel so complete, though i am so obviously lacking so much in life... but i feel complete when i am with him
his voice brings a serene calm to my trembling body, like no other was able to do before... is he the one? perhaps... the fact that there is everything but nothing keeping us apart... makes the challenge even more.... more.... well, let us just say, he was worth the struggle
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: "As The World Falls Down" by David Bowie
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 05:00 PM | Comments (0)