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June 07, 2006

California rest in peace

CURRENT MOOD: Appreciative

What is love? The other day, for a brief second in an online conversation with a friend, it was mentioned that my capability to love so easily, was enviable, while he was incapable to do such a thing

Of course, I think he believed there was double meaning when I mentioned that its not my fault he cannot love, when I have tried.... but the love that I tried to show him was not something to do with boyfriends, and romance, and hugs, and kisses. No, the love I spoke of at that moment, is more an appreciation for the world, and all the little things in it.

So, what is love?

Love is watching a movie, and being lost in its every moment. Feeling the pain & joy of every character and resounding every scene in your heart. Experiencing absolute ecstasy as your eyes get a taste of a beautiful world were everything falls in sync, no matter how unpredictable it is. Just pure enjoyment of fascinating characters you wish so badly to know, characters that leave you breathless. Characters you fall asleep to, wondering of the many adventures you could have with them.

Love is reading a book, and not being able to put it down. Living through the adventures you see before you, painted with words. Actually laughing with joy at every triumph, gasping in sorrow at every tragedy, and smiling with satisfaction as you reread the last paragraph to relive you amazement at such a story unfolded.

Love is listening to music, and being lost within its melody. Having the compassion to seek out songs that speak to your soul. When you feel so low, you listen to the songs that speak so dearly to your loss. When you at such a high, you blast on Lou Bega, Michael Jackson, Backstreet Boys, or a number of any other pop bands. Then in the spur of the moment you sing to your reflection in the mirror and dance around in your underwear, tube socks, sunglasses, and a starched white shirt. And when you come across that song that syncs up so well with every unexplainable emotion in your body, you are to the brim with tears as you ride out every tune, every word, & every beat knowing that if your heart had a voice, this is what it would say.

Love is being at the cliff-side of the world, with all the beauty of the city before your eyes. And through the visual flood, only appreciating the splendor of a single object, finding in that single object, everything and nothing of your world. Revealing that objects insignificance and meaning, its short-lived life and immortality, its connection to the world and the solitude of being one of a kind. Noting in all this, that this very object is the very toothpick holding the world together.

Love is basking in the glow of a hot summers day in nothing but shorts and a muscle shirt. Riding your bike along side the LA river and losing all attachment to the human world around you, yet being integrated with the city itself, knowing you are just a blade of grass. Being aware of the warm breeze whoosing through your hair as you pedal your fifth mile, sensing the oncoming stiffness that comes with sitting on a bicycle seat for more than an hour, drifting down a hill as gravity & inertia pulls you faster and faster, and pushing yourself & putting all your energy into going back up.

Love is creativity with words, images, sounds, tastes, and touch. People mistake love as something found in other human beings. But the truth of the matter, is that the reason we mistake love as something shared between two people is that we do not experience this plethora of emotion until you find it in someone. Until you found in someone a reason to be happy, then you see the world as I see it every day. Nevertheless, that is NOT the way the world should love.

Love is finding beauty and passion in everything you do. You cannot share it with someone, you experience it, and pass it on. You can find it in yourself to actually relate to everything around you without having to wait to use some significant other as an excuse. In this, you find undying love, because the love you cherish isn't something given to you, isn't something that can be taken away. It is something that defines you as a person, and as a puzzle piece in this vast universe.

Love before giving it away, THAT is the way things should be done.....because how can you give your heart to someone, if you had not one in the first place?

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Dani California by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 12:56 AM | Comments (0)

June 03, 2006

a blade of grass in a field of green

CURRENT MOOD: Frustrated

frustration is not fun... when it seems like the whole world is closing in on you & everyone is at war... but you're the only one fighting your side... some people are just able to look at the situation at hand, remark with some comment that it is bad, and move on their merry way... some people sit on the pavement with tears streaming & wonder, why me?, in silence... some people are loud, write blogs, tell friends, scream and shout because she is an artist. she wants to paint pictures the best way she can, she wants to throw her tears on canvas, she wants to ruin her life and say "Here mom, look what you've gone and made me do"

Some people think it's easy being me, it's easy to get out of a tough jam, its easy to accept that your family is broken, and nothing you can do to fix it... This morning I was having the time of my life, visiting old teachers I once had, talking to students about the wonders of going to college... every teacher was so proud of me, every teacher was so amazed that I made it through, they were all smiles & hugs... & I was on top of the world

Some of you might not be able to see why I am so frustrated... and with all honesty, sometimes I feel like I shouldn't bother people with my rantings... I've always didn't like being a burden... I don't like brussel sprouts either

Sleep makes the monsters go away... not long after you wake up do you realize your situation, but sleep makes the monsters go away... & ur in your home, all alone, everyone is asleep in their beds, and you have the night to hide in, to dance in, to take midnight strolls with strangers.... I need myself a new stranger... I need myself a new family.. but besides all that, I need to say:

Life. I've learned nothing about it, and no one can get it down to words. If you were to try to describe it, then you are ignoring all other aspects people have encountered through Life. There is no end, an infinity of definitions to Life, & it would be an injustice to try to explain it, to try to figure it out. It's an insult to say, I know what Life is all about. Why? Because you don't know what Life is all about. Do you know what my Life is all about? Cause that too is Life. Do you know what Mr. guy who flips your hamburgers' Life is all about? Do you know what your neighbor's Life is all about? You can't even say what your life is all about. Because you can have childish philosophies about how you seen this and seen that, & this is what you came up with. So you think its true? Try putting that philosophy to the test to someone in India, someone in Asia, someone next door. Will it apply? Maybe. Will it still hold true? Of course not.

Life, in a millionth of a fraction, is irony. It is, in a millionth of a fraction, truth and lies. For people to be selfish enough to put their definition of Life, to put their theories on Life, to put their philosophies of Life, at the center and say "THIS, my friends, is life." How can you say that? When that over there too is Life? When in another place it is Life? When in another time, it was Life? In the future, it is still Life. THIS, some single soul in the middle of all the universe, is not Life. This alone, is not Life, your aspect alone, is not Life. It is to multiply that, to say everyone has the center of Life, to give everyone a piece of the puzzle to fit in. Unspeakable. Life.

In such a universal view, it can be tough to cope with how small one person is in the world. How alone one person is in the world. So people carve out homes, families, friends, personalities, talents for something to hold on to. Attachments, a place in Life. And as in our nature to be human beings, we try to figure out Life, we try to contain it in some neatly wrapped box to show our friends and families....

To be opinionated is to be ignorant. To have a side in something is to ignore everything against you. It's even to ignore everything that is not even in topic.

In truth, well I cannot speak for truth herself, but in this instance, in this space (okay, well obviously not in the instance and space when you read this blog, because that altogether is another truth)... hm... this is getting tricky here.... In the circumstance I write this sentence, the truth is that I am not the center of it all, I am not even at the center of myself, I am merely a single fiber of the blanket. And there's you, and there's the car he drives, and there's her hairdresser's daughter's son. We are multiple centers of Life, of truth. Because no matter how much I write, no matter how good I write, you can never see my truth, my Life, or else it wouldn't be mine. This is true just as much as I cannot see your truth, your Life. Because to say that I am you to have seen that would mean that I wouldn't be me. What I am trying to say here is that even if we stand right next to each other and look at the same picture, we are still not seeing the same "truth"... we are still not living the same Life, we aren't even looking at the same picture...

I sit here feeling alot more comfortable that my life, isn't all of Life. I feel more at peace to know, that this is nothing and something, that those yells and screams, that my feelings and love, that my everything, is nothing, and something... I like staring at my wall and thinking all the mistakes i've made is nothing... of course its something to someone... but to Life, it is only a millionth of a fraction

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 04:37 AM | Comments (0)

June 02, 2006

you'll be sorry

CURRENT MOOD: Homicidal

i hate you, and i hate you, and i hate you... i dont care who any of you are... point is, I HATE ALL OF YOU!

here i was, write a stupid blog about crap in my life... and i came to realize, thanks to talking to a dear friend some random person on AIM, that nobody cares... why the hell would anyone care about my sappy stories and my pathetic life? all i am to be told by these people is that "oh i understand, cause my life is blah blah blah" or "well why dont you do something about it"

i dont know what i expect people to say when i say the things i wanted to say... i just wanted people to read it, take it in, and just listen.... no advice, no replies... just listen, then, tell me you love me, tell me that YOU care about me... and that i should live to see another day because you want to see me tomorrow

but i am just fooling myself, i am just fooling the world... no one gives a shit about anyone else but themselves... and here i am being told that i should give a shit about myself, and love myself... FUCK THAT... people do too much damn self loving everyday... yes, masterbation is the answer to world fucking peace

and after people pretend to care a little, they disappear, until you have another mental breakdown, then they come back and say "oh, i understand cause I blah blah blah"

sometimes i fantasize about my death... not because i want to die like some emo crybaby... because i hope that the day that happens, people will realize how much i mean to them... because people don't realize what they have until they lose it... i want to be lost, so that people will show up to my funeral, and i can finally see tears cried for me, i can hear people whisper "i love you" to me, i can finally have the world in silence, and listen to me


if you go, you'll be sorry... i'll be sure that you're all sorry

SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Ballad Of A Paralysed Citizen by The Faint

Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 11:36 AM | Comments (0)