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May 07, 2006
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
CURRENT MOOD: Insightful
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-- Alexander Pope
At this point in time, and this will be a condition that will last some time, I can not be in any serious relationship. Why? Because a serious relationship creates too many complications that I am not ready to deal with. I have realized I've become better at some things, and that I can trust another person. But I am still needy, and that's bad. I am still doubtful, not about the actions of the other, but moreso, my own actions. I still think I am not worth a damn, and when the time comes, that I can be easily given up. And when that happens, my emotions go haywire.
The difference this time, is I have no right to go haywire, and with my difficult position, it is actually helping with the coping of some... um, "issues" I usually had in the past.
Today's lesson: learning to give up. I have a very hard time letting things go, even when I know it's for the best. I hate change, because, there is always a chance that things will be worse then how they were before. In two weeks, I'll be gone. And things will change, for better, or for worse. I need to realize, that everything is not in my control, and sometimes, I have to let things take their course. I have to learn to cherish what I had, and move on from there. I know I shouldn't be allowing these false pretenses to keep up some delusional hope/dream, and it's killing me that the soft pinks and bright blues are dying with the sun, beyond the horizon, but I have to be strong.
I have somewhere else to be, and I need to learn to love myself. The hardest part, is making up my mind, and not turning back. To walk on without looking back. Without running back. Who knows if these roads might cross again, honestly, I hope they do. But, I admit, this time around, its a little easier letting go. I guess because it was the lack of "seriousness" and that I kept being brought down to earth... at least this time, my face did not fall flat on the floor, but I've been able to land on my feet.
I have enjoyed my first year here at Berkeley, and hopefully I've made some long lasting friends. For now, I have to learn to make my heart my home. I can not find comfort in others, because of the possibility that you will not wake up next to _______ the following morning. You can not find a place in any geographical location, because you can easily be uprooted and thrown somewhere else. You can not find hope in dreams, because your dreams can easily be taken away by any outside entity.
If I learn to love who I am, the thoughts I think, and the actions I take... then I would no longer have the need to please others. I have a horrible habit of giving the world and more to those I care deeply about. It's not that I need to change that, it's that I need to stop falling for others so easily.
I hope things work out for me, and I hope I don't spend the next two weeks staying up till 7am, crying on & off, listening to sad songs and wondering if life will ever be "right" for me.
I just want to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let go.
"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders" --Nietzsche
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG: Delicate by Damien Rice
Posted by ~*Pretty Kitty*~ at 04:41 AM | Comments (0)