August 11, 2007
Somewhere, Someday
CURRENT MOOD: Wishful
Yeah, it has been awhile since I last seen you. Of course I'm speaking to that little page on movabletype that I use to frequent so often in years past. This page that I would turn to in order to type my deepest thoughts and feelings on those days I was feeling a little too low. It's been awhile since I've hit that "create new entry" button. Of course that doesn't mean I don't have entries written up from my hiatus to update this page with; it just means that I didn't have the time nor the tools to allow you to invade my privacy. Yes, this time I am referring to you, the reader. How clich"accentmark-e" - I was too lazy to find out how to put that little accent mark above that e - well folks, that's my writing for you.
Life, as everybody must know by now, is by far the most complicated little puzzle. What is so great about life (as well as the most annoying) is that when you think you put all the pieces together, little brother comes along and jumbles the puzzle up again... sometimes even eating a piece or two. Of course little brother can come in the form of many things: romance, money, health, business, school, etc. Always a new threat, well, for the lucky its alway a new threat. For me, it's same ol' same ol'. I'm always stupid enough to think that Mr. "I'm gonna screw up your jigsaw" is really Mr. "i'm gonna make sure the pieces stick this time". Oh well. It's not the end of the world... right?
It's not necessarily like my life has gotten all complicated again, if anything, it's far from it. It's just that for once I thought I really found some stability. Something tangible and that I can hold on to for the rest of time while everything else around me changes. Philosophers and prophets alike say "change is good". Well, tell that to the people who throw away twenty dollars worth of pennies, nickels, and dimes... Change is inevitable, no matter how you look at it, but its nice to just have a few stable dollar bills. Okay, enough with the puns... but really, my life would be so much better if there was one thing I can have for the rest of my life. Friends come and go, family is wedged with distance (not to mention is only good in small doses), school only last a few years, careers can only go so far, and as for residence... well, I migrate just about as much as swallows from summer to winter. One thing that I thought was a guarantee to stay with me for the rest of my life was a partner. Boyfriend, husband, whatever. I want a man who will stay by my side no matter what. Is that really much to ask for? In my case, its seems like the answer to that question is yes.
I'm an old fashioned romantic stuck in the modern age of independent women who need nothing more than the occasional physical indulgence. Men who come and go as they please and us women who are expected to just move on to the next entree (another accent mark please). Yes, those women are revered. Business women who rule the world and has everybody at her feet. Doesn't anybody believe in marriage anymore? Are there any women out there who still dream of finding a prince charming and living a quiet little wifely life?
It's not that I am going to be content with just being a tiny housewife. I want my own career and I want to help bring food to the table, but I want someone to share my life with. Current boyfriend says that one is never free unless one lives for oneself. He doesn't see a future with me, and just sees me as convenient for the moment. He doesn't understand how people can even have the desire to be with someone until they die... people should live for themselves and no one else. Well, as true as that may be, my desire to wear a pretty silver ring on my left hand is in my eyes the perfect way to live for myself. I want someone to love me forever and ever, and remember me when I die. So really, I guess in some way its a desire to be immortal.
The afterlife is a scary thing to think about. Sure you can believe in your god, but what if your wrong? I am not saying you are, but, just... what if? or what if you worshiped the wrong way and destined for an eternity in pain? No one knows what happens, we just all have theories... and thinking about death is a scary thought. The unknown is a scary thought... that's why we are afraid of the dark. But if I can have one person remember me with love, then my death won't be so bleak. My existence in that persons mind would be blissful. In that person's mind, I won't be forgotten in some void. I won't disappear, I won't suffer in flames, but in his head, I can have a happy afterlife... because that is really the only place we are guaranteed to be after we pass on. Only in thoughts and dreams.
Well, maybe all hope is not lost, I'm still young, and I still have plenty of time to find my prince, but it just seems wrong to still love the one I'm sleeping next to now. It's like I'm cheating on my husband to be. Current boyfriend says just enjoy the time we have together, but all I think is that he just wants someone to fuck for awhile. Is there a point in being with someone when you know it's going to end? What about if being with current boyfriend means missing out on the chance to meet future husband? Well, unfortunately my questions reach out to an absent audience... or a mute audience... who knows? One thing is for sure... one day I'll find another love.
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG:
Someday My Prince Will Come by Cassandra Wilson
All Blogs on One Page , Confessions | By ~*Pretty Kitty*~ | 1:22 AM
March 20, 2007
it is never enough. it never ends. they were there all along.
CURRENT MOOD: Teary-Eyed
I try, to keep calm, to stay happy, to look at the brighter side of life... but its never enough. for those of you who knew the old me, you would dare recall the old me, the me that always let life's little mistakes get her down, the me who got so easily hurt, so easily depressed. I use to so easily give up. Now, I've become someone different. Someone who doesn't let things get to her, and tries her best to keep strong. But at a certain point, it just doesn't seem like its enough.
There always has to be something going wrong in my life, just this time, the mistakes, the wrongdoings, the mishaps were all happening behind my back. People think I'm too fragile, that I can't handle the truth, that I can't handle reality, and instead, keep me thinking that everything is okay. It's family, its friends, it's everyone. Just stop goddamn trying to protect me. I'm going to fucking find out sooner or later.
I apologize for being annoying, I apologize for bothering too much, I'm sorry I can't help you, I'm sorry for just everything I ever done. I hate that I have no control over what's going on right now. Before, I blamed everything on myself, and now, I know its not my fault, and it hurts so much, because there is also nothing I can do about it.
There are a million things I am talking about right now, and I just don't feel like writing it all up. Why? because, now I'm feeling selfish for taking your time. For asking for your pity, your sympathy, your condolences. I feel goddamn selfish asking for all this pathetic attention that I don't deserve.
I feel alone again. Sure, you can all say your there for me, but I still feel alone. I can be in a room full of people right now, and I would still feel alone. Thing is, I want to be alone. Right now, I enjoy this solitude. I am starting to loath all those I loved. God. I don't want to turn back into me again. I wish I was someone lovable, desirable, someone good, someone worth a damn. Someone with some sort of appeal, but deep down inside, despite all I say about myself, I feel there is nothing appealing about me at all.
I'm sorry for the troubles, I'm sorry for the pain, I'm sorry for the worries, the tears, the uncertainty, the guilt, the doubt, the annoyance, the regret, the anxiety, the temptation, the mistrust, the disloyalty, the hurt, the lack of better things to say and better ways to say it.
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG:
See You Soon by Coldplay
All Blogs on One Page , Confessions | By ~*Pretty Kitty*~ | 11:10 PM
February 6, 2007
Momentos
CURRENT MOOD: Beautiful
I was glancing over all the blogs I wrote in the past three years. Well, now turning into four years, and wow, I just have to say, I was so emo. It's amazing to see how my writing has developed over the past few years, and I believe that these chatterbox postings actually did me alot of good. Well, now, I am not so emo. Sure, every now and then I write the occasional melancholy "oh woe is me" blog, but that is just a good stress reliever. But nowadays, I try to write blogs with meaning, something with effect, and beauty. Because life is a random, yet beautiful thing. There is this quote I ran into a month ago: "Good times pass away, but then so do the bad. Mutability is our tragedy, but it is also our hope. The worst of times, like the best, are always passing away."
This quote, could not be anymore true. And it was this quote, that gave me the strength to keep hopeful for happiness in my life for the past month, as well as the same quote, that made me appreciate the good times I had (or having) even more. No matter what, for me anyways, life will always be a bumpy ride, but I just happen to have the luck, of life always turning around towards the best when times look bad. Ever since last spring, I get the best rewards for the worst experiences. And now, its not any different.
I cannot express just how beautiful and strange this world is. In the oddest places, at the strangest, yet most perfect, times, you can find, well, just the best that life has to offer. You find life-long friends, you find people who can make you smile with a simple glance, you find passion for hobbies, you find love for the arts, but most importantly, you find love for yourself. My life is grand, in the sense that I never know what to expect. But honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. Stability is nice, and sure, sometimes you get a little sick from going up and down on that roller coaster, but most times, you just raise your hands up high, with a smile on your face, and scream your head off.
There are many people I have to thank for my happiness right now. In the past year, I went through the biggest change so far in my life, and realized things that I never had seen too clearly before. I am well on my way to making myself a better person, a saner person at that. I no longer feel like my life is out of control, but I know, that in order to control life, I have to be able to control myself.
In the same way that life is complicated and full of surprises, it also is full of simple pleasures. I don't know how my life does it, but its an oxymoron of sorts, just simply complicated. But how I am loving it! Every second, every smile, every thought, every memory, every experience.
Now I find that I am in the middle of very depressing/depressed people. It's tough, to try to cheer them up, and tell them that there is something to look forward to. It's practically impossible to tell them to feel happy, because they are too hardheaded about their depression. I know, I use to be like that. All I can do, is pray and wish that their life turns for the better as soon as possible.
Well, I am just glad I have no more depressing blogs to write, or well, not as frequently written anyways. Now, I feel 20, I feel like, an adult, but still an innocent child at heart. Life is wonderful, my life is beautiful, and right now, I am seeing the world in rose-colored glasses. That's all I can say, and for now, that is all I need.
SONG THAT BEST REFLECTS TODAY'S BLOG:
Even The Nights Are Better by Air Supply
&
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow by The Shirelles
All Blogs on One Page , In a normal state of mind | By ~*Pretty Kitty*~ | 2:16 AM
January 30, 2007
Concerning The "Myspace Bulletin"
We usually repost bulletins for others to reply to about how hot we are or how one feels about us, etc.; hoping that that one person we want to reply, would reply, and thus, confess to each other some mutual feelings.
Does it ever work? Never seems like it does. But we still do it anyways.
Waiting, and hoping, and wishing, and dreaming.
Its a little funny, how we are too shy to simply tell a person "I like you" or "I love you", yet we are all too eager to bulletin the deepest of secrets and offer ourselves up, vulnerable, for the world to see. We are offered security in the fact that its just another mass-produced bulletin. A template that anyone can fit into, and anyone can use. So we are just reposting because we don't want Bloody Mary to come at 12:12am and stab us with her knife, nor do we want our love lives to be ruined for the next 20 years. Of course, none of us believe that crap, but we use it as an excuse, because it's alot easier than saying "I am really posting this up because I want you to tell me I'm beautiful, that you like me, that you want a chance with me. Because I want us to start something wonderful, but I am too afraid to tell you, so I am giving you the chance to tell me."
It's tough. Waiting around for an answer. Hoping for his/her reply. Closing your eyes and wishing with all your might that its him/her as you click on "New Messages". Dreaming of the day.
And when that message is not there, we just post up something else.
Waiting, and hoping, and wishing, and dreaming.
All Blogs on One Page , In a normal state of mind | By ~*Pretty Kitty*~ | 6:37 PM
January 26, 2007
Random, Random, Random.
It's been awhile since I've written an "inspired by life" blog. Well, it's not as if I haven't been inspired by life recently, but I haven't felt the usual, pushing urge to write that goes along with such a muse. Well, I suppose that means I haven't been inspired enough. So what is this blog about? Nothing eye opening, that's for sure, just I guess a kind of warm up to the writing I have to do in the near future (goddamn essay is due next week!)
Eh, I shouldn't even post this up, its pointless. A waste of your time. Well, not so much as a waste of my time, seeing as I have still one hour to kill before my shift here at work ends. I should read for my classes, but I'm too lazy to write. I suppose I should use this time to update you on my life.
So, I'm single. Yayee. Well, this time around, it just doesn't bother me so much that I'm single. I'm actually quite enjoying it. Well, not so much enjoying, seeing that I am not having the social life I did last year, but I made a new year's resolution to go out more and have more fun. But then again, I am going out more! All my time is super occupied! I have my new, upcoming DJing career at KALX 90.7FM (the best radio station ever!! I dare say!!), I have my job at Unit One (being a security monitor which requires monitoring the security of our residents! LOL), the usual classes, and well, I think that's a pretty fulfilling life right there! Soon, I'll be active in the music scene once again!! I've been out of it for a while now, but now, all the bands I love are touring around the US. :(
Oh well. What I REALLY want to do this year, is make new friends! Like, okay, I do meet new people all the time, but I guess I never really found anyone that stuck to me. I guess I am anti-social, when it comes to strangers, its rare to find people I really do enjoy hanging out with. But I want fun people! People to come over to my place and I go over their's. People that I can call in the middle of the night, ask if there is a party going on, and they say "hellz yeah! it be a party here every night!". I have fun people like that in LA, but I want bay area people like that here!!!!
So I guess there is a message and point to this blog.
Do you want to be my neighbor?
All Blogs on One Page , In a normal state of mind | By ~*Pretty Kitty*~ | 1:54 AM